Inside sales at a small company you've never heard of. When I'm not on PGP, you can usually find me having a panic attack during a cold call or spilling coffee on my Tommy Bahama linen shirt. Sometimes I'm funny, but most of the time I'm just a dick.
I credit losing my virginity freshman year of high school because my parents’ house had a hot tub. There isn’t an easier way to get a lady friend to take off nearly all of their clothes than a hot tub. A little music, a few mixed drinks, bada bing bada boom.
I have a buddy from high school who makes a killing as an electrician. Even when he was an apprentice he still made like $12/ hour. Trades are always in high demand and certainly nothing to look down on.
I’m starting to really look at the big picture, here. You can pay someone to break up with your significant other, and then you can pay someone else to delete your ex from your social media. Let’s take it a step farther. For a $5,000 retainer and $50 per billable hour, I am offering my services on the following: creating a Tinder account for you, wooing potential matches on said Tinder account, maintaining conversation with your new boyfriend/girlfriend via text and social media (including damage control when you fuck up), break up with them via text or phone call, and then delete them from your social media. I am now accepting new clients.
Mr. Rodgers, Bob Ross, and Bill Nye all dropped some serious knowledge on me as a kid. I think somewhere along the line, many of us forgot what they taught us. Thanks for the reminder.
I wonder what kind of weddings gifts Warren and Jimmy Buffet give new couples. Warren’s gifts are probably more expensive, but Jimmy’s presents are probably much more fun.
File a lawsuit against her and the company for sexul harassment. Use your date as a witness. Tell them that she threatened to fire you if you didn’t perform sexual acts on her. Boom: 6 figure Christmas bonus.
One of my buddies from high school throws a NYE party every year at his place. I fly up and stay at his place for the weekend. No driving, no waiting in lines. Then we’ll go to MetLife on the 3rd and watch the Giants embarrass the Eagles after brunch.
About this time last year, a girl probably not that much younger than me ran into our building. She was dressed in flight sweat pants and obviously high as a kite, crack or meth if I had to guess. This isn’t really surprising because the neighborhood across the street is really rough. My office is one of the first in the hallway, so I always get stuck playing receptionist (most people who come to our building are lost). My office buddy Dave was sitting next to me, and he just gives me a look like he knows some weird shit is about to happen. I ask her if I can help her and she tells me that her boyfriend has a gun and is trying to kill her.
Dave immediately says, “so you come HERE and he probably followed you? Fantastic. Thanks a lot.”
The dude was running around outside the building screaming and waving a gun around, so we locked the door and just hoped he wouldn’t figure out which office suite she’s in. My boss called the cops and it took HALF AN HOUR for them to arrive even though the station is only 5 minutes away. By that time the dude with the gun had given up looking for her, and to my knowledge was never arrested.
TLDR: I nearly died doing a job I hate because of a junkie.
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I credit losing my virginity freshman year of high school because my parents’ house had a hot tub. There isn’t an easier way to get a lady friend to take off nearly all of their clothes than a hot tub. A little music, a few mixed drinks, bada bing bada boom.
I wouldn’t say no to a backup liver.
If Rashida Jones worked at my office, I would never get anything done. Just a whole new caliber of gorgeous.
Hopefully they don’t ever break up. I couldn’t imagine losing a dog at the end of a relationship. That’s why I’m glad I got my dog when I was single.
Die Harder was pretty good and also set in the Christmas season. “Just the fax, ma’am. Just the fax.”
Also, lighter fluid smoke tastes awful. There’s no chance he’s going to use a zippo over butane to smoke bowls.
I have a buddy from high school who makes a killing as an electrician. Even when he was an apprentice he still made like $12/ hour. Trades are always in high demand and certainly nothing to look down on.
Fuckin’ A. I’m rooting for you, big guy.
Did you get those texts from two chicks at the same time, Lawrence?
I’m starting to really look at the big picture, here. You can pay someone to break up with your significant other, and then you can pay someone else to delete your ex from your social media. Let’s take it a step farther. For a $5,000 retainer and $50 per billable hour, I am offering my services on the following: creating a Tinder account for you, wooing potential matches on said Tinder account, maintaining conversation with your new boyfriend/girlfriend via text and social media (including damage control when you fuck up), break up with them via text or phone call, and then delete them from your social media. I am now accepting new clients.
Mr. Rodgers, Bob Ross, and Bill Nye all dropped some serious knowledge on me as a kid. I think somewhere along the line, many of us forgot what they taught us. Thanks for the reminder.
I wonder what kind of weddings gifts Warren and Jimmy Buffet give new couples. Warren’s gifts are probably more expensive, but Jimmy’s presents are probably much more fun.
File a lawsuit against her and the company for sexul harassment. Use your date as a witness. Tell them that she threatened to fire you if you didn’t perform sexual acts on her. Boom: 6 figure Christmas bonus.
Kathy sounds like a lot of fun.
One of my buddies from high school throws a NYE party every year at his place. I fly up and stay at his place for the weekend. No driving, no waiting in lines. Then we’ll go to MetLife on the 3rd and watch the Giants embarrass the Eagles after brunch.
You can give it to my boss because he’s such a jerk off.
I just kind of assumed you were the guy who made the Todd account and just ditched the Pepto Bismol account.
Joking about mass shootings is low, man, even for you.
About this time last year, a girl probably not that much younger than me ran into our building. She was dressed in flight sweat pants and obviously high as a kite, crack or meth if I had to guess. This isn’t really surprising because the neighborhood across the street is really rough. My office is one of the first in the hallway, so I always get stuck playing receptionist (most people who come to our building are lost). My office buddy Dave was sitting next to me, and he just gives me a look like he knows some weird shit is about to happen. I ask her if I can help her and she tells me that her boyfriend has a gun and is trying to kill her.
Dave immediately says, “so you come HERE and he probably followed you? Fantastic. Thanks a lot.”
The dude was running around outside the building screaming and waving a gun around, so we locked the door and just hoped he wouldn’t figure out which office suite she’s in. My boss called the cops and it took HALF AN HOUR for them to arrive even though the station is only 5 minutes away. By that time the dude with the gun had given up looking for her, and to my knowledge was never arrested.
TLDR: I nearly died doing a job I hate because of a junkie.
“I want to pick something up for Todd.” Oh God she’s going to buy a gun and go postal on Todd. I can’t take the suspense.