I’ve done this before to my fiancé. Luckily, I forget how old I am a lot, I had to text her this morning at the doctor’s office to ask, so she doesn’t murder me when I screw stuff up. Her claim is: “you are exceptional at your job and completing complex tasks but you are a fucking idiot when it comes to everyday things.” What can I say, she pampers me. If you’re reading this, I love you, Satan.
I ruthlessly roasted Tom Brady when I saw that video with one of my good friends. My good friend kept defending Brady until I realized why. He’s a family kisser. Disgusting.
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Fuck that, I like to live on the wild side.
My folks live in Ponte Vedra. I’ll let them know you’re coming by. Please be sweet to John and Leslie. Thx, bloods.
You are a national treasure. I love you.
Yikes. You’re a crazy person.
Not the last you’ll say that.
I don’t know much about commas, but I know that’s not how you use them.
Blue Bell is TRASH. Braum’s or gtfo.
Professional or amateur?
Suck it, Katie.
Papa Bear just got body bagged.
Agreed, Abe.
I’ve done this before to my fiancé. Luckily, I forget how old I am a lot, I had to text her this morning at the doctor’s office to ask, so she doesn’t murder me when I screw stuff up. Her claim is: “you are exceptional at your job and completing complex tasks but you are a fucking idiot when it comes to everyday things.” What can I say, she pampers me. If you’re reading this, I love you, Satan.
I’ve been telling my fiancé for months I’m getting a flip phone when my iPhone bites the dust. She calls me a broke boi bitch which hurts a lot.
Best twitter account in this universe
Slowly turning all of my short collection into bird dogs. I’ve got every male member of my family to adopt them as well. They’re great.
Crazy, that’s actually my Christian name.
I ruthlessly roasted Tom Brady when I saw that video with one of my good friends. My good friend kept defending Brady until I realized why. He’s a family kisser. Disgusting.
Just pull a Ron Swanson and say their name incorrectly
When Eating Starbucks for breakfast you’ve gotta go with your normal coffee order and a birthday cake pop. Their sandwiches aren’t worth the calories.
You are correct. I thought Heathrow was one of the airports that had Global Entry. Dumpster my bitch ass b/c I am trash.