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I freaking love old people. Their perfectly white tennis shoes, their never-ending craving for food, and their love for blaming things on terrorists just inspires me so much. But perhaps my favorite quality of old people is how they give zero shits about what comes out of their mouths. They’ve reached that time in life where they don’t need to hold back what they really want to say. And why should they? They’re past all of the bullshit sucking up to your boss/trying to impress in-laws/trying to be a good role model parts in life. All they have to do now is yell at the golf channel until they die facedown in their pudding.
So, I’ve decided that by the time I am old enough to have grandchildren, I am going to be painfully honest with them, as any grandparent should be. I’ve even started thinking of some potential conversations that might arise that I will have no shame sharing the absolute truth with them about.
1. Your dad was a total cockblock growing up.
I love him and everything, but how many bad dreams about Ed Sheeran can a kid really have? He needed to learn how to sleep in his own bed, so eventually, we changed the locks and would trap him in his room at night. Once we had that figured out and the scratching on the door would stop, your grandpa and I would head back to our room and get our freak on.
2. I was totally inebriated and hitting on someone better looking when I met your grandpa.
Obviously, your grandpa was drunk too. Even back then he needed someone to help him walk because he was so trashed, which is precisely why I was getting sexy eyes with someone else who was a little more coherent. We ran into each other a few more times after that, and I finally decided he’d do for the time being. Didn’t expect it to last this long.
3. You should definitely lie on job applications.
All you really need to do is put shit like “works well in teams, proficient in Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint, etc., bilingual, won’t eat everyone’s food in the office — stuff like that. If the time comes when you get hired and don’t know how to do something you lied about, just ask for help or Google it. That’s why the Internet exists.
4. At first, I thought your mom wasn’t good enough for your dad.
She told me she was gluten-free. I’ve accepted her flaws since then.
5. I use to hook up with my co-worker.
We’ve heard this story a thousand times, but I actually did it. But only like one or two or fourteen times. And tbh, I don’t regret a thing. Not even the burning fire in my pants that took a while to get rid of.
6. I really don’t care what your significant other’s name is.
You’re young. Keep your options open. Don’t let one person keeping you from letting your freak fly while all of your friends are single and willing to go out and meet more single people. Until I see someone worthy, I will just refer to your significant other as “Casper” because one of you is going to end up ghosting the other, and honestly, it will probably be for the best.
7. I don’t understand what in tarnation you kids think fashion is nowadays.
Besides my white New Balances, I’ll admit I do not know much about fashion anymore. And apparently, your generation doesn’t know anything either. Please stop letting hipsters control the world.
8. I still send your grandpa nudes.
In case you were wondering why your grandpa and I have Snapchat still, this is why. It’s not because we like you enough to send you stupid selfies with rabbit ears on Easter, although that is fun too. He tends to open them when he’s out golfing with his friends. I don’t even mind when he shows his friends because I might as well flaunt it while I’m still on this earth. This is also why he calls me his “little Snapchat queen who doesn’t need filters.” It’s all natural baby.
Better they hear the truth than a lie, amiright?.
A friend asked me the other day “does having a kid mean we’re too old to ask for nudes now?” and of course the answer is we’re never too old for nudes. Ladies, I don’t think you understand the amazing changes you can make in a man’s life with a little mid day booty snap.
I wish I could @ my SO
Nothing better than an afternoon wagon pic
A world where I’m too old for a surprise midday nude is a world that I don’t want to live in any longer
PSA: If you send nudes during regular work hours, make sure to send the person a message letting them know you’re about to send something NSFW.
Fuck that, I like to live on the wild side.
Boring, bro. If you’re not sneaking under the table to open a snap then stuck trying to pretend like you didn’t just get a view of a world class caboose, you’re missing out.
“Back in my day, you had to sit at the family desktop and wait for your crush to get on AIM.”
When they got on then immediately got off. Soul crushing…
no way. the entire point of being a grandparent is getting a free pass to tell your grandkids absolutely absurd lies about your life and having them eat it up.
tom friggin brady was dating your grandma, kids, and old nautilus here swooped in and stole her damn heart
Except to them, Tom Brady will be some distant football player they read about on a sports history site (or whatever the 2068 version of a website will be).
Unless he becomes President. Which isn’t out of the question.
He’ll have to wait until President Yeezy serves his eight years.
“Listen here, kids. Come gather ‘round. I know they won’t teach you this in schools so here it is. The military industrial complex will run your life soon enough. There’s a ruthless underground network of people in politics, religion, and Hollywood who destroy children’s lives mentally and emotionally by trafficking them while also giving them stardom. It’s your job to safely navigate this place and enjoy things that make you feel something in terms of motivation and inspiration or else you’ll become like everyone else who’s merely just existing…now run along and bring me my blood pressure medication, I can’t believe I made it this long lol”
Here’s to hoping there will be 3D nudes in the future.
For #7, just contact Duda. I mean…
“I watch the Eagles win a Super Bowl” is something my dad and grandpop were never able to tell me but I can’t wait to tell my kids and grand kids
Meanwhile I’ll probably have grandkids and still be waiting for the Mariners to win a World Series…