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If you’re enjoying following “PostGrad Single Dad,” be sure to go listen to the latest episode of “The DadGum Podcast,” live on Grandex Labs.
“Alright buddy, what about these? How do they fit?”
Grant pulled up the jean shorts handed to him by his father. They’d been going through all his warm weather clothes now that the Texas weather was beginning to transition into the “heavy sweating” portion of the year.
“Daddy they’re a little tight.”
Yeah, they are. You look like you’re trying to get backstage at an Elton John concert.
“Yep they are champ, take those off and try these.” He flipped him some khakis that six months prior had fit like a glove, his face falling when he saw that Grant’s growth spurt had also rendered them too small. He reached for the “try on” pile and handed Grant his favorite pair of blue Nike shorts.
Ah, at least they fit. God bless gym shorts.
Grant, relieved that he was done modeling everything he owned, excused himself to go watch Toy Story. His father sized up the “Thank God these still fit” pile and the “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” pile. The majority favoring the latter was upsetting.
He walked over the couch and addressed Grant. “Well buddy, looks like all those veggies have paid off,” referencing the small bowl of carrots Grant would occasionally not turn his nose up at. “Looks like we need to go shopping for some new clothes. We’ll grab some new shorts and tee shirts then maybe go get some ice cream after. Sound like a plan!?…Grant, sound like a plan?…Grant!”
Grant snapped his head up from his TV trance, becoming suddenly aware that his father was speaking to him. “What Dad? Woody is saving Buzz!”
Woody isn’t the one making sure you’ll be going to school in something that fits, now is he?
“Well, you’ve seen him do that 1,000 times. Come on buddy, we’ve gotta go shopping for some new clothes.”
“Where are we going?”
“Down to the shopping center we always go to buddy. To the GAP and Old Navy. The blue building.”
Grant jumped up, “OH! Can we go to the Toys R’ Us store?”
“Uh….yeah, sure buddy. If it’s open we will definitely go. Come on, get your shoes on.”
I’ll cross that bankrupt bridge when I get to it.
Driving to the shopping center was uneventful, aside from Grant surprisingly screaming “HEY I LIKE THAT SONG!” when his father went to change the radio from Kid Cudi’s “Day ‘N’ Nite.”
Great, might as well fill his teenage room with bongs and glow in the dark shit on the ceiling now.
Pulling into their parking space, Grant noticed right away that the building, which once carried the title “Toys R’ Us,” now held a banner that said “Coming Soon!” with nothing noted as actually coming soon.
“What does that sign say?!?” asked a distressed Grant.
“Just says ‘Coming Soon,’ buddy. They must have closed Toys R’ Us. Sorry, that’s a total bummer.No way we could’ve known it wouldn’t be open when we got down here.”
It probably says “Coming Soon” because “Millennial Childhoods Just Got Fucking Incinerated Via This Bankruptcy” wouldn’t fit on the sign.
Dismayed, Grant lowered his head as he held his father’s hand and walked to GAP. “I don’t even want new clothes, I want toys. I don’t need clothes.”
“Well buddy, pretty soon you’re not going to have any clothes that fit, and new clothes make you look so handsome.”
Without missing a beat, Grant replied, “But Dad I’m already handsome.”
Chill out kid. You’re no Efron.
“That may be true, but no one likes a handsome guy when their clothes don’t fit right.”
Except for Efron.
Grant and his father entered the store then began their usual clothing duel; it was like a gun fight with $10 tee shirts. His father kept motioning towards little polos and plain t-shirts with front pockets and stripes. Grant refused to budge from the section displaying a Batman and Curious George shirt.
“Grant, you can’t just wear Batman shirts 24/7.”
“But I want to be Batman when I grow up!!”
Hey selfish ass, do you know what happens to Batman’s dad?
“Well you better hit the gym and I better hit the lotto. And I don’t know about that George one, either.”
God I hate Curious George.
They continued walking around the store sparring like Rocky & Creed. Shorts weren’t a big issue; both father & son were big proponents of summer being gym shorts weather. Deciding on a shirt bounty was a point of contention.
They’d settled on two Batman shirts, a Paw Patrol shirt, a couple of his personal selections of simple t-shirts, and a dinosaur t-shirt (both father & son agreed was tight as hell). Where a thin red line had been drawn, however, was over a light blue short-sleeve button down. Grant was treating the shirt as if his father was trying to force feed him cyanide.
“Nooo, that shirt would hurt me! No buttons! It doesn’t even fit!”
“Grant, you’re not even wearing it. You need at least one shirt that looks presentable. What if we go somewhere nice? Wearing this shirt would make your Grandma happy; do it for her.”
Not to mention how many women in the grocery store would be telling me you look cute as hell in it.
Grant stared at the shirt like his father had just informed him Paw Patrol had been cancelled and replaced with audio recordings of NPR. Then his face twisted into a resolved grimace.
“Okay Daddy, I’ll make you a deal.”
His father was borderline shocked. “Oh yeah? Hit me with it Mark Cuban.”
Ignoring his father’s reference that he didn’t understand, as four-year-olds don’t watch Shark Tank, he proposed “I’ll wear the shirt and if I don’t like it we have to go to the ice cream store, but if I like it we have to go to the ice cream store, but I won’t like the shirt so we are going to the ice cream store. Deal??” He looked pleased with himself and was under the impression that he had just made perfect sense.
Not the worst deal ever there kid.
“Alright, that’s a great deal. Let’s go to the dressing room and you can see what it looks like.”
Grant’s body tensed up like he was being draped with a snake as his father put the shirt on him . Opening his clenched shut eyes, he looked at his reflection and eased his body.
“What do you think Grant? I think you look really handsome!”
Grant held a blank expression then smiled. “I do look handsome!”
Thank God, this kid will wear something that doesn’t make him look like a hobo.
Grant’s smiling continued as he looked up at his father and said “Now you need some new clothes Daddy, you don’t look handsome at all.” .
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