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What’s happening? Today is a big day. Coming off the heels of last week’s smashing success, I am back with a new Monday piece for all of the loyal postgrads out there. In fact, I’m making a declaration: Producer Micah is gonna be firing hot written content at you each week on Mondays. Settle in, it’s content time, baby!
Let’s start with this. What’s eating Micah this Monday? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m moving this weekend. It’s only Monday, but I’m already feeling tremendous anxiety. I’ve got the mover lined up, I’ve already paid all the apartment costs, the city is setting up electricity Wednesday, cable install set for Thursday. I went with Uverse. I think it’s the right move, but who knows? I took Friday off, but I need to come in to record Jerzday (subscribe to Grandex Labs to get the new episode as soon as it arrives) because I love the fans. My friends Katrina and Alex are in town Friday and I agreed to have lunch with them too. It’s a lot.
Oh, and my girlfriend is picking up her entire life, moving away from her loving family and friends to move to Austin, with me.
In all seriousness, I could not be more excited about her arrival. No one (excluding my parents) have ever made such a life-changing commitment to me. It’s a tremendous compliment that such an amazing person wants to be with me. I’m also motivated to be the best person I can be– to prove that she made the right decision. It’s also kinda overwhelming, and I’m just moving across town.
Work is gonna be busy this week. We’ve got hella content coming your way. I’m technically off Friday, so that’s 20% less time to accomplish our goals. We also got a new table delivered to the office Friday, so our podcast studio is getting closer to its final form. For those asking, yes, we are working on a permanent video solution to bring all of our podcasts back to YouTube. Bear with us as we’re getting closer.
What’s Micah eating? It’s big-ass salad SZN. I picked up an oak-smoked rotisserie chicken at Central Market yesterday. I picked the carcass clean, chopped some chicken and added it to a bowl. I added some shredded carrots and a handful of cherry tomatoes. I really like carrots. Then I added a few scoops of a Trader Joe’s salad mix I previously made. I normally go with their Southwestern Chopped Salad, but it wasn’t available when I visited last week. Instead I tried the Tahini, Pepita, & Apricot Slaw Mix. I like the slaw mixes, as you can dress them and they still keep well in the fridge for several days. This one is just OK. Not a lot of flavor from the tahini dressing, and frankly, the pepitas and apricots leave much to be desired. Here’s a photo of today’s salad.
OK– so it’s time to get down to it. Last week, I was recording a podcast, and Will deFries took this opportunity to photograph my desk and use that as an excuse to assassinate my character on postgradproblems.com. Read the complete story here, and see my response below.
The Finger-Smudged Monitor
Quite possibly the most disgusting part of a disgusting desk. When someone’s monitor is riddled with that many smudge marks, it makes you question how they even got there. Micah is rarely at his desk, so to surmise that he’s pointing things out on his monitor would be irresponsible. But in that same breath of him never being at his actual desk, you’d have to imagine there aren’t just rogue interns running around smudging it either.
Taking a bottle of Windex to your desk once a week should be standard protocol in any open office setting. The fact that he lets it sit dormant like this is vile.
Look, this monitor isn’t clean. I accept that. But, this monitor is new. The first one I had on my desk did not work, so I grabbed this one out of storage. I don’t think I’ve yet to plug my laptop into it, so I hadn’t noticed it’s smudgy condition.
I have a desktop computer in the podcast studio, and a laptop that I also work from. I’m currently typing this piece from the table in the kitchen while Dave and Will play ping pong, T-Man and Hayden play NHL2018, and Carter’s dog sniffs my Air Huaraches. It’s nice to have the second screen on my desk, but it hasn’t gotten much use yet. I’m gonna wipe it down rn.
The Post-It Notes On The Finger-Smudged Monitor
If you can’t read them, they individually read “DIFFERENT,” “BETTER,” AND “SPECIAL.” I’m not sure what he’s referring to with these vague adjectives, but I’d have to imagine it has to do with the podcast realm. Last I checked, he started a Jersey Shore podcast on Grandex Labs which I’m not sure qualifies for any of those words.
Most importantly, these words aren’t difficult to remember or ingrain in your memory. A phone number? Sure. Doctor’s appointment? Toss that bitch in a Google Calendar and call it good. These aren’t things that need to be tattooed into his memory.
I understand that Will’s work is nominally considered “comedy” and that he is trying to make some jokes here. I however try narrow my focus to a few guiding principles. “DIFFERENT” “BETTER” and “SPECIAL” represent the standards I try to live up to when creating new content for the company that employees me, Grandex.
Specifically, in the podcast realm, I believe that everything we produce– be it a new show, a spin-off, or a second episode of Effin’ Around, should fit this criteria– different than anything out there, better than the competition, and special in its own right. I got this inspiriation from a podcast: Origins with Jim Miller. The episode was about the ESPN show, PTI. Erik Rydholm created the show and used “different,” “better,” and “special” as his guiding forces.
So, that’s that.
The Fraternity Paddle
We get it, dude, you were in a frat. He was *allegedly* the president of his fraternity at Mizzou, but the wild part of this paddle is that it’s a KA paddle from The University of Texas. I haven’t checked his liberal retweets lately but something tells me he probably takes big issue with the university as a whole.
Micah once told us that he has a “standing tee time” at Lions Municipal Golf Course which Texas desperately wants to build a condo or some shit on. Maybe he pulled off some sort of heist to steal this from a frat house in rebellion. Or maybe it’s some relic that’s near and dear to his heart. Either way, he should probably move it before potential advertisers come in here and think we’re a bunch of idiots who refuse to grow up. We like to keep that fact to ourselves.
Perhaps you guys know that we at Grandex also own a website and brand called “Total Frat Move.” Yes, I was the president of my fraternity (Kappa Alpha Order) at Mizzou. Shouts to all the Alpha Kappas out there.
The paddle in question is actually my father’s. He was a KA at UT in the 70’s. I brought it into the office for decoration purposes (since my company owns Total Frat Move).
Funny story about this paddle: I had it in my car a couple of weeks ago before I remembered to bring it into the office. I actually had my front left tire blowout on the way to Houston. I managed to safely pull over to the side of the road. There was one difficult lug nut that I could not remove. Then I remembered the paddle in the back seat. I used said paddle to hammer the wrench onto the lugnut in question, was able to remove it, and change the flat without incident.
The Sonicare Electric Tooth Brush
You can go on and on about brushing your teeth in the office. I, for one, think it’s disgusting. Where the hell do you spit? The kitchen sink is out of the question. Dave will tell you all about that. Brushing your teeth in a public restroom is even more out of the question. You might as well blow your nose with toilet paper that’s stuck to a toilet because you clearly do not give a damn about germs.
If anything, I think this is to put out a “yeah, cleanliness is important to me” vibe. Unfortunately, keeping a toothbrush in an environment as dirty as a communal office space is the furthest thing from cleanliness. I mean, fuck, the closest thing to it is a frat paddle from the goddamn ’70s.
I brush my teeth a bunch. Never would I apologize for this. Is that ok, Will? For those of you who are interested, I typically brush my teeth over the trashcan or in the bathroom sink. Never would I brush in the kitchen sink. You can call me a lot of things, but inconsiderate is not one of them. Thanks.
A Random Drill
Okay, it’s not that random. He used it in an attempt to put together something for our podcast studio the other day. I say “attempt” because it took all of five minutes of him slapping around boards before I had to intervene and help.
I don’t want to put myself down too much but, in this case, I have to. If I am the one helping you construct something, things have gone completely off the rails. If we did an in-office draft of People You Want To Help You Do Manly Shit, I would rank somewhere between J-Bone and Ross. No offense.
Out of all the places in the office. pic.twitter.com/LLLmyEvuCW
— Touching Base (@TouchingBasePGP) April 11, 2018
No, I am not very handy. In fact, Intern Luke is currently putting together our new mic stands in the studio while I am bringing you, the reader, this fine written content. But, the drill is mine. I own this drill. This has to count for something. I will be using it this weekend to hang curtains and assemble furniture. Kiss off, Will.
I almost started writing about this before I thought to myself, “Will, go pick up the Yerba Mate and see if there’s anything still in there.” And yup, sure enough, there’s about a good inch of liquid hovering at the bottom. I don’t want to even surmise how long that has been there for because it has 100% been there for at least a week.
If you don’t know, Yerba Mate “a beverage made from the leaves and stems of a powerful rainforest tree, native to the subtropical rainforests of Paraguay, Brazil and Argentina.” It’s like natural coffee or something. I don’t know, ever since Micah started training for a fight at Onnit, he’s pretty much grasping at every straw he can to become optimized. Just drink some coffee with MCT Oil like the rest of us.
I am caffeine sensitive, everyone knows that about me. I start my day with a tumbler of cold brew and maybe a splash of soy milk. That’s normally enough juice to get me through my day. But sometimes we all get that 2:30 feeling, and we need a little pick-me-up. Someone dropped several cases of the Mate off at the office and I wanted to give it a try. The can is huge and contains two servings, so obviously, there’s no way I’m gonna pound the whole thing. The following day, should I have thrown the can away after I only drank half of it? Yeah probably. Fucking sue me.
The “Had To Do It To ‘Em” Shirt
This shirt was a gift from Madison. Madison is kind enough to order us free shirts from Grandex Shop so we can stunt in them. Micah kindly has this in a ball on his desk which says to the Founder and CEO of the company, “Thanks but no thanks.” I can’t tell, but it just might be sitting on top of another Grandex Shirt as well. Probably a Lunch Beers shirt all next to an “I’d Rather Be Drinking Lunch Beers” mug.
Nothing says you value your job quite like balling up gifts from the dude that signs your checks. The disrespect.
Will is really reaching on this one. This is an attack. He extrapolates that because the shirt is prominently displayed on my desk I am actually disrespecting my boss. GTFO. I don’t wear T-shirts to work, sorry bloggers. Your boy has a collar on 5 days a week. The only time you might catch me in a tee is at the gym. But, you already know I’m a #sweatboi, so I would never disrespect this fine shirt from the Grandex Shop by sweating through it at Muay Thai.
The Yeti Lowball Rambler
Probably half-full with a weak cocktail. And somehow, that’s the most respectable thing about this entire situation.
This is possible..