I still don’t know what the acronym in my company’s name stands for. PGP.

My Halloween news feed went from a bunch of girls in slutty costumes to a bunch of babies in costumes. PGP.

I have $23 in my checking account to last until payday. PGP.

My career arc is disturbingly similar to Matt Leinart’s. PGP.

My only regret from college is that I didn’t appreciate my hair when I still had the chance. PGP.

That 25-minute early morning poop/Tinder sesh starting your day off right. PGP.

Telling your buddies, “I had to get the Feds off my back” after making a student loan payment. PGP.

Brushing your teeth while peeing in the morning to save time. PGP.

That moment of anxiety between logging into your bank account and waiting for the page to load. PGP.

I swear every single person in my office sneezes like a fucking freak. PGP.