I see my Jimmy John’s delivery guy more than I see my family. PGP.

Our office WiFi connects in the parking lot, but there’s no signal in the bathroom. PGP.

My wife joined Twitter. Now I have to stop following porn stars. PGP.

Getting up to go to the bathroom out of boredom, not necessity. PGP.

Never making it past a first date. PGP.

Whoops, got drunk on a Tuesday. PGP.

Still trying to convince myself that I am one, really big poop away from my pants fitting right again. PGP.

Size 36 on Friday. Size 38 on Monday. PGP.

Whoever installed an even number of urinals can go straight to hell. PGP.