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Let me just say that I’m beyond happy for you two. Sure, I’m partially happy because this dog puts another potentially expensive destination wedding a little further away because you’ve got a lot more on your plate now. And yeah, I’m happy because you can raise this little guy together which will do wonders for your relationship. Furthermore, I’m happy that you’re in a place with each other where you feel comfortable enough to make these types of commitments. It’s a beautiful thing, and I wish you both the best in your future endeavors.
I also think it goes without saying that your puppy is adorable. From the rolls on his little face to the way he snored in that video you sent me, that pup is melting hearts all over the place. The next time we get together for a long weekend? I’ll be rolling around on the ground with that little guy for the better part of a hungover Saturday morning (and I’ll probably have trouble saying goodbye to him, too). I simply cannot wait to have him in my life for a few days.
But I have to ask — what are you doing, man? Do you realize the implications that this has for the rest of us? We’re all screwed now, and this is completely on you.
You know we’ve all been swerving questions requiring any sort of long term commitment, right? Becoming official on Facebook, engagement rings, getting an apartment together, everything. We’ve all got about one year (two years, max) before we’re completely tied down, and the only time we can go wild is when our wives are out of town at one of the remaining bachelorette parties they have. But this dog? Huge wrench in our plans. And with every Instagram and Snapchat, you’re expediting the entire process for the whole lot of us.
To be fair, I don’t think you’re doing this intentionally. I want a dog too, but I can barely take care of myself so I just don’t think it’s the best idea for me right now. You’re killing it at work and living comfortably, so it makes sense that you’d get a dog. It really does.
But plain and simple, you’re going too fast. And no, I’m not saying it’s too fast for you and your girlfriend. Y’all should go at your own pace and do what’s right for you. But it’s too fast for the rest of us. Now all of our girlfriends are looking at us wondering why they don’t have puppies of their own. We’re all sitting here on our phones deflecting requests to go to humane societies and shelters this weekend. But because of all of this, she’s already picking out names, collars, and drafting blueprints of Instagrams for years to come while I’m still paying off credit card bills from 2012 and Googling how 401Ks work.
And to do it right before Christmas? Come on, bro. Are you kidding me right now? Did you not think about how this would affect the rest of us? I’m already breaking the bank this year trying to get in her good graces, but you’ve planted the seed in her head now. Anything less than a puppy jumping out of a box under the tree while I cover her eyes is going to be a monstrous letdown now. I could pop the damn question and she’d still, in the back of her mind, wonder if a puppy is still somewhere in the house.
Just know, from here on out, I fully expect you to be vigilant when posting photos of him. Know that for every bed selfie you add to your story, that’s going to be another mid-morning conversation where I have to let my girlfriend down. Be aware that for every Instagram you toss up of him with your girlfriend, my girlfriend will like it. But I’ll be getting a text within minutes of you uploading it.
Yes, I wish the best to both of you, and your dog. Just please keep a low profile until I can sort my mess of a life out. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Now I want a puppy for Christmas 🙁
I want that dog in the stock photo.
My walk to work includes going past a dog park. Every single day I dream about quitting and buying a puppy and being one of those happy people hanging out with their dogs in the park.
You have two weeks until some cheesedick proposes on Christmas Eve. Consider yourself warned, and expect some sort of fight to ensue.
Hopefully they don’t ever break up. I couldn’t imagine losing a dog at the end of a relationship. That’s why I’m glad I got my dog when I was single.
Whoa, man. Too real.
It hurts when you clean and still find some random fur 🙁
It’s a toss up on who leaves behind more hair between my dog and my fiance.
Missing her dog more than you miss her. PGP
Too much real life, Shibs.
The worst is having to go back months later to pick up that one thing. The dog still remembers you and is super happy you’re back, but then you walk out the door for good.
That seriously made me cry a single tear.
Happened to my brother. She’s batshit crazy and went to his house during the day when he was at work and took him out of the back yard. She claimed that she took care of him just as much as he did even though he was registered to my brother. He lost his shit and got him back after a cop showed up to her house. They got back together a few months later and my entire family refuses to acknowledge her presence.
Will, after you write these articles does your girlfriend want to have a “talk” or does she just take it all in stride? I read these and get nervous on your behalf.
Googling how 401Ks work hit a little too close to home. I just started a new job and they asked about how I’d like to set up my retirement package. I spent the next hour doing nothing but sitting on Google trying to figure out what the various options even meant.
Meanwhile I can’t even get my boyfriend to move in with me and split the rent. Sigh.
Sorry Will, I’m to busy with my puppy to worry about you dodging questions that I have already given into.
Still cheaper than a kid.
“You know we’ve all been swerving questions requiring any sort of long term commitment, right? Becoming official on Facebook, engagement rings, getting an apartment together, everything. We’ve all got about one year (two years, max) before we’re completely tied down, and the only time we can go wild is when our wives are out of town at one of the remaining bachelorette parties they have. But this dog? Huge wrench in our plans. And with every Instagram and Snapchat, you’re expediting the entire process for the whole lot of us.” Wow…just wow.. how sad to feel this way. Maybe I’m just over the whole thing but who needs to be fb official or have a ring? And living together honestly? It kind of blows. Sure, sharing the bills is nice but for the most part you space is best and the sex is better when you don’t see each other everyday. As for going wild pfftt..I’d let the guy go nuts who cares? Go have a fun weekend see ya when you get back. Dogs are wonderful companions by the way possibly the only creature actually capable of giving unconditional love.
We get it, you married a douchebag. Now stop trying to pour rain on everyone’s parade and go work on your marriage.
ScarFace- Between your husband withholding money for your medication vital to your breathing, you saying you’d rather share a bed with a dog, and now the above– I am concerned for you. Please take a beat and think about YOU.
Or this is a fake account and you have successfully trolled me.
Either way–best of luck.