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“Ugh, will you just pick?” she pleaded to Todd who sat scrolling a work PDF on his iPad.
Todd slid his glasses down to the edge of his nose and looked first at her, then at the television, and then back at her.
“I don’t really know what you want me to pick,” he explained to her. “Honestly, I’m not even really watching.”
She tilted her head back in frustration before clicking back into the “Recently Added” section. Her temper was short – partially from being unable to find the Apple TV remote (which, of course, Todd was sitting on) and partially because she’d just gotten out of a hellish group text regarding Labor Day plans.
“Stupid,” thought. “Boring,” she continued. “Blah,” she mouthed.
“Ughhhhhh, Toddddddddddd,” she labored. He again looked between her and the television, this time locking his iPad to give off the vibe of giving her his full attention. He rested his hands on top of it before attempting to calmly tell her, “I really don’t know what you want me to do.”
Readjusting in bed underneath the comforter, she looked straight ahead with a look of disgust.
“It’s just, like, you never pick anything,” she lectured. “A place to eat? It’s always on me. What to have for dinner? I’m always choosing. Can’t you just make one decision?”
Todd grabbed the remote that she had just set down next to her. Sperry stood at the foot of the bed which caused Todd to have to adjust where he pointed it in order to change the channel. Rather than engage in a long back-and-forth regarding anything more than picking a show or movie on Netflix, he thought he’d take the bull by the horns and simply choose something.
“Okay, what about Ozark? John said he loved it.”
“Bleh,” she said. “Caroline said it was like Diet Breaking Bad.”
He rolled his eyes, but she didn’t notice given they were both looking emptily at the screen.
“Want to watch this Louis C.K. standup special?”
She snarled before admitting, “Honestly, I don’t even find him that funny.”
“Okay,” he said while moving the cursor further and further to the right. “We could try to pick House of Cards back up?”
“I don’t even remember where we left off,” she told him. “Besides, I kind of just want something I can fall asleep to.”
While still scrolling hoping something would catch her eye, Todd began to think about the absurdity of trying to find a show on television that is so boring that you literally will fall asleep watching it. The concept of giving yourself the most baseline entertainment you can think of with the sole purpose of not finishing it was lost on him. At this point, he was just clicking the remote over while lost in a train of thought regarding the absurdity that was panning out in his mind.
“Wait,” she interrupted him, “Have you ever seen Gossip Girl?”
Todd turned his head and looked at her. “No,” he told her. “Why would I have ever seen Gossip Girl?”
“Oh my Godddddd, Toddddddd,” she drew out while sitting up, “It’s soooooo gooooooooooood.”
He reached over and set the remote on her lap before admitting to her, “Honestly, I have zero desire to watch that show. If you want to, you can, but I might just watch something on my iPad.”
She mouthed “okay” in a passive-aggressive manner before grumbling, “You don’t have to be a dick about it.”
At this point, he had already resumed reading on his iPad and was about fifteen minutes from falling asleep. “Can we not?” he pleaded.
“Not what?” she asked as if she hadn’t just called him “a dick.”
“Argue about Netflix right now,” he clarified against his will. “I’m absolutely exhausted and honestly just don’t feel like watching anything.”
“I mean, this isn’t just about Netflix, Todd.”
“Then what’s it about?”
She hesitated for a moment to gather herself. “Like I just said – you never pick anything. I’m the decision-maker in this relationship nine times out of ten and it’s almost like you’re just going through the motions.”
“And you’re getting all of this from the fact that I don’t want to watch Gossip Girl?” he asked. “Is that what we’re doing?”
“No, I’m getting this from the fact that you haven’t made one big decision for us in, like, forever.”
Todd rolled over and turned off his bedside lamp before sternly telling her, “I’m not doing this tonight. Please, just do not do this tonight. Any night but tonight.”
“Fine, Todd,” she said, the room dark with the only light coming from the 50″ Sony. “Just go to sleep. That’ll solve alllllll our problems.”
“Let’s just talk in the morning,” Todd told her while shutting his eyes. “Night.”
Even more mad than before, she loudly set down her glass of water as if she wanted the cup hitting the table to keep him awake. She snatched the remote while all Todd could hear was her exiting out of whichever menu he had left them in.
Her thumb pressed down on the volume taking it from their normal volume, somewhere around 18, to 35. The room lit up with her newly selected show.
Todd, still lying awake, considered covering his one exposed ear with a pillow but figured he’d fall asleep soon enough. Until those words and that guitar came from the television.
“So no one told you life was gonna be this way…”
Despite his eyes being closed, he still managed to roll them.
“Goddammit,” he thought. .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
Look, sometimes suicide really is the only option.
10 years from now there could be another installment of “Making a Murderer” about how Todd mysteriously had his throat slit.
Girl, Gone Girl. Coincidence? I think not.
Are you saying he should have turned on M.A.S.H.?
If Jaime Lannister can walk away from the abusive relationship you can too, Todd!
I’ll walk away from this shit before Todd does.
Todd should have immediately started playing the ESPN 30 for 30 on the Russian hockey team that lost to the US
U S A!
U S A!
U S A!
Or Hit it Hard.
This was an instant classic when it dropped. Might have watched it three or four times that week.
Of Miracles and Men. Most underrated 30 for 30 out there.
Goon.
Todd is always stuck in second gear
Todd can’t even find the gear shift
Todd can’t even drive stick
Todd’s gear shift has apparently fallen off
Swing and a miss there champ.
Wow – Girl complains that Todd never makes a major decision in their relationship so he finally tries to pick Ozark, a tremendous show, and girl now is upset? Doesn’t want him to make his own decisions, she just wants him to pick what she would have for her. SAD! Hinting that he needs to make major decision and get a #ring is very disingenuous behavior – worse than terribly overrated @DanaBashCNN saying Trump comments on ratings were abhorrent. The FAKE news liberal media LIES. When experts are calling #Harvey a once in 500 year flood, they say Trump is handling situation beautifully. We have the GREAT coordination and the BEST people on the ground – will do tremendous job. #MSM trying to use hurricane catastrophe to attack Trump is more sick than total pervert alert @RepWeiner – noted cousin of it @micahwiner and said to be huge fan of the podcast while he’s out of work. Thanks!
Thanks!
Ozark can wipe down this.
Real talk: ozark is actually fantastic, y’all won’t regret watching.
^agreed
I have it on my list to watch and now that GoT is over & I’ve finished the new Sherlock season I will be watching.
Sherlock, while a great show, will also put you to sleep if you let it.
I mean… Anything can put you to sleep if you’re letting it.
anything?
Spoiler alert: Girl is intolerable and Todd still can’t find his balls
sup?
Always appreciate a ‘sup 😉
A Sperry sighting!
About time, amirite?
Where have you been and what goes on in the apartment that Will isn’t telling us?
I’ve mostly been working on how to survive on minimal attention and affection. I’m hoping the next post is: TGDAG: Hire a Dog Walker.
I’m rewatching the office for the 8th time so I have no room to talk about Netflix issues
We’re in the golden age of television….Live it a little one time for me.
Of course Todd can’t make a decision. Making decisions takes balls, which he clearly does not have.
Also, Family Guy is the best show to fall asleep to.
Family Guy is a terrible show.
woah man take it easy
Nah, I’d say The Office is the best. The mockumentary format means there’s never any bright lights or loud noises, so it’s easy to slowly tune out.
Friday Night Lights?
movie or show?
no, it isn’t
Hell yeah it is. 20 minute episodes that have no continuing plot and random, stupid and pointless comedy that helps you turn your brain off after a long day. What more could you want?
Actual comedy