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The following is a real life conversation had with Todd regarding her book club.
“Hey, I can’t do dinner on Wednesday night. I have to work late and I’ll be pretty dead after all these meetings. I’ll probably pass out in the middle of the game.”
“That’s fine. I have Book Club anyway.”
“Hold on, what? You’re in a book club?”
“Yes, Todd. You’ve know that.”
“I most definitely did not know you were in a book club.”
“What do you think I do every second Wednesday of every single month?”
Silence.
“Todd, how could you have not known this?”
“Okay, well, for starters, I’ve never seen you read anything but US Weekly or Instagram before.”
“First, rude. Second, how dare you. Third, are you kidding me right now?”
“Babe, how would I know you’re in a book club when you literally are never reading a book?”
“Um, have you ever considered I might have downloaded the book on my iPad?”
“You have an iPad?”
“You just don’t get it, Todd. It’s not just about reading books.”
“But it’s a book club. How could it not just be about reading books? Isn’t the basis of a ‘book club’ that you, you know, read books?”
“See, typical. It’s a chance for us all to get together.”
“You talk to your friends all the time.”
“I, like, literally never talk to any of my friends.”
“Who are you texting RIGHT now?”
“Katie.”
“She’s your friend. You’re talking to her right now. You talk to your friends all the time.”
“Yeah, but I never see my friends, Todd.”
“Last week alone, you had a girl’s night on Friday, a Sip & Paint party on Wednesday, and you all went to spin class on Tuesday. I legitimately don’t know if I saw any of my friends on any weekdays last week. Actually, no, I know I didn’t. Oh! And you had a gender reveal party with someone I’ve never even heard of.”
“Why are you doing this, Todd? Are you trying to pick a fight? Are you trying to piss me off?”
“Babe, no, I’m just confused why you have a book club where you don’t read books in an effort to see your friends who you see all the time.”
“You. Just. Don’t. Get. It.”
“What don’t I get?”
“IT.”
“What is ‘it’, babe?”
“Never mind.”
Five minutes of silence ensues while both parties take to their phones. Todd, smiling slyly, looks up at her before asking a question with a sarcastic tone.
“So, uh, what book did you read this month?”
“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW, TODD?”
“It’s just a question! I’m interested!”
“No, you aren’t, Todd! You’re patronizing me!”
“I’m not patronizing you! I’m just curious, jeez.”
Sixty seconds of silence again graces the room.
“…you didn’t read a book for book club, did you?”
“Todd!”
“It’s fine, it’s fine. I get it, you’re doing this because it’s a good way to socialize with your friends. But just tell me, did you read a book this month?”
“Honestly, I don’t know why you care anyway, but yes, I did.”
“What was it called?”
“None of your business.”
“You’re really not going to tell me the name of the book you read for your book club? Really?”
“It shouldn’t matter what the name of it is, Todd.”
“Okay, I’m going to ask you one last time: Did you read a book this month?”
“…”
“I knew it.”
“Fuck you, Todd. You’re being an asshole right now.”
Todd, laughing to himself.
“I just think it’s ridiculous that you have a book club where none of you read books. That’s like me having a hunting club where I don’t hunt.”
“Are you fucking done yet, Todd?” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Todd fucking roasted her. I bet Todd’s dad is in a hunting club.
I bet Todd’s dad has a “if it flies it dies” bumper sticker on a Yukon Denali and frequently imagines people as geese.
It’s right next to his “I’d rather be driving a Titleist” sticker.
Will, if you ever compiled all of these into a single book I would buy it in a heartbeat.
…while not buying Kendra’s book.
Good. Use your aggressive feelings, Todd. Let the hate flow through you.
“I can feel your anger…”
Todd’s already starting to sabotage the relationship. This is gonna be good.
Things girls do after college: say they need some space.
I’m torn. I love the ridiculousness of the Todd relationship, but I also feel it’s distracted from the original fun satire of “dumb white girl”-ness that started this series. Fingers-crossed that they break up soon, Todd gets a spinoff about things guys do after graduation, and we get stories about how our favorite basic is so “over” Todd and gets back on Tinder or Hinge and starts buying copious amounts of Anthropologie.
That’s the best part about it. We get to see her basicness through Todd’s perspective.
Yeah, but there was something funnier about seeing it through her own oblivious, Warby Parker-framed eyes.
100% accurate. I was invited to a book club and read the book for my first one. I got there and it was a talking Pinterest board of wedding and home re-decorating ideas.
The saddest part about reading this was recognizing a relationship you know in real life, except in real life your friend isn’t Todd and just takes it.
And so begins the beginning of the end.
“Yeah, we’re done.” *Todd calls Dad and the boys for celebratory cigars and cocktails.*