The Keys To Being A Terrible Sports Fan

How To Be A Terrible Sports Fan

You probably view yourself as a good, dedicated, and passionate sports fan. You always root for your teams and favorite players in a respectful manner, and proudly support your teams no matter if they’re in first or last. Now, if for some reason being an upstanding sports fan is no longer what you want, and you’d rather just be a complete shitbag of a fan, here’s what you do.

Have Multiple Favorite Teams

Backups? What? Ugh.

Nothing is worse than the clown who says, “My favorite teams are the Jets and Bengals. When they play each other, I just hope they both do well.” Picking multiple favorites is a key indicator that you’re a terrible sports fan. You can’t justify this by saying something like, “Oh, the Giants are my NFC East team, but the Chargers are my AFC West team. Go ahead and make sure you proudly let everyone know when they win, and really ramp it up if they both make the playoffs. Cement your status as a shitty sports fan by making a Facebook post announcing how excited you are that both your favorite teams won their divisions.

Troll Players On Twitter

The last thing that a professional athlete wants to deal with after a tough game or extended slump is some jackwagon on Twitter telling him how awful he is at his job. To come into your own as a terrible sports fan, you need to be that dickhead.

If a guy strikes out for the third time in the same game, better tweet him and let him know that they should release his ass. Maybe even get real personal and tell him that his wife is going to leave him, but pretty much anything to push the envelope and let everyone know that you are really the worst person on Twitter.

Give Your Expert Opinion Despite Possessing Zero Expertise

A staple of being a bad sports fan is long social media rants about your analysis of any sporting event in which you have no real experience or knowledge. A truly terrible sports fan would’ve absolutely laid out a detailed post about why Pacquiao would dominate Mayweather, despite having watched no more than three boxing matches ever, and one of them was that Celeb Boxing with Dustin Diamond.

This year gave you a unique opportunity to both give your analysis of the fight, and during the same week, let everyone know which guy was the steal of the NFL draft because of that one highlight you saw. Also, Kiper said it, so it must be true. Make sure that you constantly call for the firing of multiple head coaches each season, because you don’t believe their system is right for their personnel, but also make sure you can’t name more than two players on that team.

Be Sensitive About Your Bandwagon Fandom

It goes without saying that being the worst sports fan means that you hop on every bandwagon in full force. You have Spurs, Heat, and Mavericks championship shirts, and you’re rooting like hell for the Warriors this year. What takes you to a new level of being awful is getting extremely pissy when someone calls you out for it.

Here’s a likely scenario: Someone calls out a bandwagon Astros fan after their record April and this person responds with “Uh, my great-uncle was a big Astros fan, so I’ve always liked them.” To hit your terrible fan peak, you need to have a widespread family tree that allegedly root for damn near every single professional sports team.

Basically, you’re the terrible football family from the Visa commercial. The more aggressive you can be with your bandwagon rebuttal, the better. Nothing makes a sports fan worse than an angry tirade about how you’ve been a diehard Royals fan since you started watching baseball.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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