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After months of searching, weeks of planning, two mental breakdowns, and two days of moving, I finally did it. I moved into my own apartment. For the first time ever, I have no roommates and am as close to being self sufficient as possible (still clinging to the Verizon Family Plan for dear life). It’s a studio, sure. And yeah, the kitchen’s a little cramped. But you know what? It’s mine, and frankly, I’m kind of obsessed with it.
I had a lot of apprehensions about living alone, especially the first few days. What happens if I go crazy? What if I get locked inside my apartment? What if I get lost on my way home because of the new commute? At one point, this stuff kept me up at night. It was actually the first of the two mental breakdowns.
But now that I’ve been here for a full day, I have to admit it’s pretty sweet here. I won’t get too far into it, but these are some of the highlights.
Everything works.
This is a seemingly ridiculous quality, but honestly it’s so important to have. When you’re looking for a new apartment and the deadline is quickly approaching, it’s easy to look past a place’s flaws, like not having air conditioning or screens on the windows or flat floors or locks on the doors. After living in a place like that for a year, I forgot how amazing it feels to sit down in a chair and not have it slide backwards. I certainly forgot the blissful dance that air conditioning plays on your skin when the sweat first starts to form.
Private time.
I’m not the kind of person who would walk around my apartment naked when my roommate wasn’t home. It’s not that I’m not comfortable with myself or whatever, it’s just not my thing. However, now that the only person I have to worry about seeing my private, intimate moments with myself is myself (and maybe the people in the building across the alley), I’m giving it a shot. I’m talking about pooping with the door open. I’m talking about walking through the living room naked to get to the shower. And yeah, I’m talking about diddling myself with the lights on.
Although, I will say that last one left me feeling shameful.
Talking to myself.
This was totally expected and completely on brand for me. I think out loud all the time, and normally it leads to conversation with whoever is in the immediate vicinity. I’m not exaggerating when I say that within the first 45 minutes after my movers left, I talked to myself five times. Honestly, I think that’s fucking great. Sure, I probably sound like a psychopath to my neighbors, but it’s not like I’m talking to Satan and reciting Slayer lyrics in spoken word. Quite the opposite, actually. I’m trying to figure out if my bakers rack would make more sense in the cramped kitchen or if I feel comfortable enough putting it in the closet space. I’m thinking I’ll lean towards closet space.
I live in a retirement community for young people.
For those familiar, I moved from a house in an actual neighborhood where families lived called Logan Square to a high rise studio apartment building on the lake shore in Lincoln Park. Essentially, I went from a place where people had yards to a place where I’m greeted by a barrage of car horns when I walk out the front door of my building, and I fucking love it. There’s an energy here that I can’t really explain, but it gets me excited to be a part of it. This unspoken bond from person to person on the street that makes you think, “I don’t know him, but that guy just gets it.” Maybe it’s that I’m closer to the hustle and bustle of downtown now.
Or maybe it’s because literally the only people I’ve seen in my new neighborhood are under the age of 35. I swear to god, I’ve been walking around my apartment building and the immediate surroundings for the last few days and everyone looks to be right around my age. Where did we all come from? Is anyone else at the tip of their budget as well? I don’t think I’ll ever know. Just because everyone looks like I can relate to them doesn’t mean I actually plan on doing it. Why would I? I have an entire apartment to myself now, and I intend to make the most of it..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
@therescharlie
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herescharlie
Wait, what’s wrong with diddling yourself with the lights on?
Sup?
Uh
Major uh
I diddle myself all day every day, especially while taking a steamy dump
I read Lincoln Park
But my brain said
I tried so hard and got so far but in the END it doesn’t even matter
RIP
Get a Google Chromcast. You can play your favorite adult entertainment videos on the big screen and use your surround sound.
AppleTV 4 lyfe
Trying this tip out later
I travel with a chromecast now. Doesn’t work at hotels, but it’s always nice to have.
You can finally enjoy the ole’ hub without having to use headphones
Even better, you can throw it up on your big screen, but out your yoga mat, and work your way thru the solo Kama sutra
Is it acceptable to watch porn with no audio
no man wtf
Nothing worse than cold headphone wires contacting naked flesh.
Please advise, I’ve never watched with headphones, even when I had roommates. Is it experiment time?
I’d feel like someone could creep up on me if I wore headphones.
Am I the only one who feels weird watching porn without headphones even when I live alone?
Yes
Am I the only one who takes messy dumps, or do girls do that also? I feel like my bung hole sometimes is like a muddy geyser of soft moist poop that just doesn’t break off cleanly.
I take my dog to the vet when he has that issue. You should get it checked out.
That’s the best you could come up with, slugger?
Still better than anything you’ve put out, chief.
#1 – porn without headphones sucks.
#2. You can spend hours taking a hot steamy dump while your bung hole erupts like Mount St. Helen and have juevos rancheros every night for dinner without having to share the bathroom. Jeez – I left more skidmarks on my toilet than a dragster during a burnout.
While I respect your loyalty to the shtick, it’s not working for you, bud.
Hey bud, it’s working just fine. Why don’t you take your one-inch willy up on outta here before you get hurt, chump.
Hey, Grandex, after seeing what happened to TFM is there any way we could get losers like this kicked off the site? Not that he’s the worst troll possible it’s just the snowball of jerkoffs like this taking over the comment section that’s a concern. Free speech and stuff but we really don’t need a guy with (unoriginal) poop jokes
You’re not fooling anyone @vaginator…
Bye Bye Lil Sebastian!
I’m not your bud, friend.
You no longer have to fight over fridge space with 3 other guys
Make sure you employ the 2 minute rule living by yourself. If a task takes 2 minutes or less, do it immediately. If not, save it for the weekend or a day off
I don’t wanna rain on your poop parade but you should keep the door closed strictly bc of sciency reasons like bacteria and pathogens flying around your entire house if you leave the bathroom door open.
Your worried about that, but I’m assuming you keep your toothbrush in the bathroom?
Fuck you’re*
No sir. After watching some dumb science video in 2012, I’ve kept toothbrush and all open things in my room.
I’m weird.
The only thing raining is my bunghole. It’s like chocolate hail in this toilet, jeez.
LOL
Moving in 2 months to live with the bf. Been living alone for 3 years. Terrified of what is to come since my living alone habits are strong (literally never have closed my bathroom door). At least he has AC though….
What kinda place were you living in that didn’t have AC?
A tent would be my guess.
Southern CA. No need really when it’s always around 70. That being said tho I am beyond excited to crank it up when I have the option.
Having everything work is something I never thought about until living on my own. I always lived with roommates in a house, with the owner so now living alone in an apartment where things work sometimes is taking a long time getting used to.
Welcome to Lincoln Park