The Guy Who Has To Comment On Everything Is Ruining My Life

Just Shut Up

Everyone has a kid in their group of friends that is universally hated. He’s kept around because the rest of the group is a.) too lazy to tell this guy to suck one or b.) has been in the group so long that it’s not worth the fight that would commence once you confronted the guy about how annoying he is. Now, I’m not sure that everyone has a guy like the one I’m about to describe in their group, but if you do, just know that I can sympathize with you. So cheers to everyone with enough patience to put up with “The Guy Who Has To Comment On Everything.” I’m fed up. I’ve absolutely had it. The next time this shit happens to me, I’m saying something because I’m at my boiling point.

Don’t you ever just want to tell someone to shut the fuck up? Societal norms tell us we can’t do this, but why? What is so wrong with telling a person to shut their mouth? If they’re being annoying, shouldn’t they have a right to know?

Back before I moved to Texas, I was sitting at home watching an NBA Playoff game with my dad and a buddy from high school who I hadn’t seen in a while. Marv Albert was doing play-by-play for the game, and every time Marv said something – whether it was a simple mention of the fact that the ball went out of bounds or a metaphor that didn’t quite work – my friend was there to make some stupid remark.

It got to be so annoying that my dad finally left the room. I didn’t say anything because a.) I hadn’t seen this kid in a while and I wanted to be nice and b.) I didn’t want to get in an argument. So I thought if I kept giving him one-word answers and little half-assed laughs to his dumbass comments he would get the hint and shut the hell up. But he couldn’t do it. After all of my non-answers, he continued on like this for the rest of the game. It was unbelievably annoying. But it wasn’t just this kid. There always seems to be one somewhere around me, whether I’m in Michigan, Texas, Illinois, etc.

And it isn’t just during sporting events. It happens during movies, tv shows, any sort of live event being broadcast – there is always one guy there to make some generic, painfully obvious comment that doesn’t need to be addressed. It’s like he can’t stand the silence of a room so he has to hear himself speak. It’s unbelievably annoying for a person like me who just likes some peace and quiet when I’m trying to listen to what’s happening on the television. But what can you really say to someone like this? “Hey man, your voice is annoying me can you just watch the fucking show, please?” Nah, I don’t think that would fly.

The guy who comments during sporting events with unoriginal takes he heard from Stephen A. Smith isn’t even as close to as bad as the guy who has to say whatever the hell pops into his head during an episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia or when you’re watching a 30 for 30. “Man, Isiah was such a dick. I love that guy.” Like, yeah, good one, man. Thanks for sharing. He’ll then look at me expecting to say something. I’ll roll my eyes or shrug my shoulders, look over and say a very succinct “yeah” and pray to God that he keeps his mouth shut for the rest of the episode.

I just want to know why. Why does this guy have to get his two cents in every. single. time? Is it because he knows he’s the annoying guy in the group? Is he trolling? Is it because he genuinely believes his takes are important and worthy of my time? I can’t understand it, but then again I struggle to understand most people because I’m convinced I’m the smartest person in every room I walk into.

I get annoyed easily. Anyone who knows me or reads my articles knows this. I can’t help it, that’s just my personality. But if you can’t agree with me that the guy who has to get a comment in on every little thing is awful then you are a part of the problem. Let’s start telling these people to shut the fuck up. It’s ruining my television watching experience.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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