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Today, as I was sitting on the edge of my bed, mindlessly browsing Twitter in an attempt to wake myself up enough to get up and face the arctic tundra that is Chicago, a hashtag caught my eye. Apparently, #WhiteLiesOnMyResume is trending, and I realized that I’m not alone in filling my resume with bullshit.
People lie about their skills:
I can type 90 words per minute with 100% acurscy. #WhiteLiesOnMyResume
— Hanna Shuey (@HannaShuey) December 16, 2016
People lie about their experience:
I have 19 years of experience.
(I'm 19 years old and experience life daily)#WhiteLiesOnMyResume— AfroGum (@AfroGumOfficiaI) December 16, 2016
And most of all, people lie about their personality:
#WhiteLiesOnMyResume When I said I'm a team player, I meant that I like to tell everyone what to do. I'm always the captain.
— Regina Spacola (@gigirules7) December 16, 2016
Since reading everyone else’s filthy white lies, I have decided I’m going to come clean as well. Here are the parts of my resume that may not be 100% accurate. I hope no recruiters ever read this.
1. I am a highly focused and diligent individual.
It took me three minutes to type that sentence because I got distracted by a Snapchat notification and had to look up how to spell “diligent.”
2. I am always timely and a hard worker.
I will usually arrive between 5-10 minutes late, and work my ass off for the first four hours, after which I will coast until 5 p.m. I don’t even know why I have to lie about this because there’s not a single person on earth who works hard at their job every hour of every day.
3. I am fluent in Italian.
I took high school Italian for three years and never got a grade higher than a C. During the ages of 13-16, I could probably stumble through passable Italian, but ten years later, the only phrases I still remember are “Your eyes are very beautiful,” and “Where is your hotel room?” So basically, I know everything I need to know. However, Google translate is rock solid nowadays, so I can probably fake this skill unless I have to converse with an Italian in person.
4. I was the Director of Brand Management for my fraternity.
I occasionally promoted one of our philanthropy or community service events in between tweeting wildly inappropriate things on my chapter’s account. I also fine-tuned my chapter’s Instagram aesthetic (Hefe filter or GTFO), and sent out a bunch of “alumni newsletters” that were thinly veiled requests for money. My chapter was only suspended once during my tenure, and it was not as a direct result of my actions, so I think I crushed this job.
5. I currently work in sales at a fairly large entertainment company.
I sell alcohol to people trying to black out and forget about their workweek. Watching these drunk people try and hit on everything that moves, get down and dirty on the dance floor, and eat shit walking down the stairs is entertaining, and my company is, in fact, a company. My claim is technically true, but in a much more real sense, completely false.
6. I have 5+ years experience in my field.
I don’t have 5+ years experience in anything. I’ve had over 20 jobs in less than 10 years of working. I haven’t committed to a single hobby for more than six months and my longest relationship was between one and three years, depending on which one of us you ask. I am, however, still wearing the same moccasins that my parents got me for Christmas 2005, so I guess that shows a commitment of some kind.
7. I graduated from _________ University in 2013.
I mean, I’m pretty sure this is true, but I’ve never actually confirmed it. There was a slight snafu with some of my credits (due to my advisor not knowing basic addition) that I’m 99% sure was resolved prior to me walking at graduation. The fact that I have never been mailed my diploma is disconcerting, but I choose to believe it simply went to the wrong address, and not that I am one credit shy of being a college grad. I will never look into this issue because I’m not going back to school, and I’d like to take the “blissfully ignorant” approach to this matter. Also, no one is going to look at my 2.6 GPA from a state school and feel the need to do some digging to make sure I’m not lying.
8. I am proficient in Microsoft Excel.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I fucking hate Excel and it hates me back. A drunken monkey could put together a spreadsheet better than I can. You won’t realize this until three weeks after you’ve hired me, and by then it’ll be too late.
*To all recruiters: Everything in this column is completely false. My resume is 100% factual; please don’t look too hard at it. Also hire me. Please hire me.* .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
I mean this nicely because it’s Friday, but you seem kinda useless.
I was gonna say, the whole thing about not being able to work Excel ends it for me
I’ll be blunt, you seem very useless.
White lies on my resume
1. I’m not a degenerate piece of shit who still drinks until he vomits
You have this on your resume?
“Vice President of Inter-Fraternal and Sorority Outreach.” I was social chair for half a semester.
Thought you where a guy till now… sup?
Yep..Pretty sure he’s still a guy
Can confirm, dangling between the legs.
Damn
It’s okay to act like an idiot in high school, but not even knowing if you actually graduated college is pretty pathetic man. I’m not denying that you’re not a smart guy and a hard worker, but having a crappy resume is pretty stupid. That’s the whole reason you went to college.
Also, learn to use excel. Pretty simple and great tool. I recommend the Excel Bible 20XX. More useful than the real Bible. Sorry Jesus.
Dissing the good word? Someone’s not making it on the list of PGP Apostles.
Sorry that I agree with this. You spent how many years and how much money just for the degree and you may not have it? I hope you’re right in that someone doesn’t investigate!
If that one about college is true and not just for content purposes, it is absolutely hilarious.
Recruiter here…..you might want to get that degree thing checked out, btw. Most decent companies will run a background check on someone after the verbal offer and before the written offer. You could easily fail a background check because of this. The 3rd party that runs the background check likely won’t tell the company who offered you why, either. It’ll literally come back as “failed background check.” You could have done 20 for kiddie porn or you could have been a credit hour short of a degree, most background check firms won’t differentiate between the two when giving the thumbs up or thumbs down on someone to a company.
I know that’s deep and way too much effort for a Friday afternoon, but seriously, don’t fuck yourself over on something like this.
Your username is still so niche and so phenomenal.
FREE ITALIAN LESSON!
I just got back from Italy and the only things I know how to say in Italian are “Dove è il vino” (Where is the wine?) and “Mi piace giocare a calcio” (I like to play soccer)
It’s all I needed.
You wanna turn a girl on before you go to bed and you’re shooting her a goodnight text, say “Buona notte e sogni d’oro”
Good night and gold sausage?
It’s “good night and sweet dreams” but that works too
I don’t speak much non-English except for “muchas cervezas por favor” which I assume is universal
What’s your point?
My life is already a lie. Resume’s not worth the blow-back, although I did throw the word “senior” around pretty liberally: it’s technically true but not hard to achieve when your place of work as a shitty turnover rate.
Can I please Amazon you new moccasins? It’s concerning you haven’t gotten a new pair in over a decade.