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The Adult Sleepover May Be More Trouble Than It’s Worth

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The bed has been made. As far as your guest knows, the closet with its door shut doesn’t have piles upon piles of unfolded laundry laying on the floor. To an outside observer, your room is, objectively speaking, clean. At this point, it’s very much like a game between a Power 5 squad and a really bad MAC team. A foregone conclusion.

She’s coming over, and you both know what is about to go down.

I’m talking about sex. Oh yeah, baby. Six to ten minutes of pure, unadulterated joy followed by you asking her if she’s hungry and if she wants to stay over and watch something on Netflix. I can understand where guys are coming from when they say that they don’t like sleepovers. If you’re not really into the person you’re having sex with you probably don’t want them staying over. But if I really like a girl, I always ask. I’m not a huge fan of them myself even though I really want to be.

To me, it’s always just felt like the right thing to do. The polite gesture is to ask if your friend who you just bumped uglies with wants to stay over. But I think there’s some urban legend that has infiltrated every male psyche in America.

It’s the belief that girls want to laze around with you in that bed that now has bodily fluids all over it. That they want to stay there and cuddle. That they want to fall asleep on top of you while you writhe and kick the sheets around trying to find a good spot to fall asleep in.

I think if both parties are honest here we’ll get a majority that says the adult sleepover is highly overrated. More trouble than it’s worth when you really start to think about it. Double the trouble if it’s a school night.

I like to cuddle and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Pillow talk? Sign me the fuck up. Munching on treats while laying in bed with a girl you actually like is awesome. There is no doubt that it’s nice to have someone to fall asleep next to. Absolutely no arguing that. A warm body to lay next to is great.

It’s an hour and a half into the cuddling when you’re both trying to locate that elusive REM sleep that having someone in bed with you becomes a problem.

In June, July, and August, you might as well forget about getting good sleep if you share a bed with your partner. It’s hot as shit. There are too many covers on the bed. Legs are sprawled out everywhere. Every time you think you’re about to finally get some real rest the person you’re laying next to adjusts their arm every so slightly and BAM! You’re fully awake again.

In the cold months up north, it’s almost necessary (if you’re lucky enough to have a girlfriend or boyfriend, that is) to have sleepovers. That extra body emitting heat is a really nice treat when the wind chill is below freezing and the snow is showing no signs of stopping.

But even then. EVEN THEN, you guys, the sleepover is still precarious and it’s all because of what Ive already mentioned. This constant shifting of bodies. You can try as much as you want to say that you and your partner cuddle through the night. But it’s not true and you know it. If you want to even attempt to get some solid rest the two of you need to separate and go to opposite sides of the bed. No touching. Yeah, you can go in for a little hug every few hours just to let them know you’re still there and you still like them, but you can’t be cuddling all night. It’s just not practical.

Drake has a fantastic song about how much he hates sleeping alone. But Drake also fails to mention that he more than likely sleeps in something larger than a king size bed. I’m rocking with a queen here, Drizzy. When you’ve got a bed that is larger than most people’s living rooms, you can claim to hate sleeping alone.

But until the day comes where I can afford a king size, I’m going to be in the “Okay, we can have a sleepover, but please keep the touching to a minimum and stay on your side of the bed as much as you can” camp.

Image via Unsplash

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

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