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I woke up on the morning of Halloween thinking it was a day like any other. In fact, I was excited. I had a Día de los Muertos party at work, and I was looking forward to leisurely cranking out the next couple weeks before flying home to California for Thanksgiving week. Until all of a sudden everything changed. This happened.
My roommate just told me he's taking a job in another city so now I get to figure out if I want to live with a random person at this point in my life or if my girlfriend and I will be moving in together earlier than expected. Happy Halloween being an adult is the real nightmare
— No (@noampao) October 31, 2018
That’s right. What I thought would be a pretty chill month suddenly turned into an extremely un-chill month. Two weeks later, it’s official. As of January, my girlfriend and I will be moving in together, a first for both of us. “But how did you figure it all out and decide to live together?” You may be asking. Well, it’s simple. I’m fucking awesome at relationships. And with my advice, you can be too. Here are all the steps necessary to make moving in with your girlfriend as painless and, dare I say, exciting, as possible.
1. Plant the seeds.
You can’t just outright ask someone to move in with you. No, no, no. You have to convince them without them knowing. Inception them, if you will. Talk about how nice it would be to sleep together every night. Bring up how much fun it would be to decorate a place together. Bitch about how fucking small their stupid late-1800s-orphanage wrought-iron bed is. Luckily, I had been doing the last one for almost six months now, so my seeds were already pre-planted.
2. Have a mature conversation about living together in the near future.
Where better to have a mature conversation then at a place where only grownups are allowed? And if said location happens to serve delicious ciders on draft, wouldn’t it be rude to not try a couple? Exactly. Get drunk and talk. It. Out. Alcohol makes you truthful, right? You wouldn’t want to not be completely transparent in such a serious conversation. And if one, or both, of you happen to take out some of their newfound stress on the other one, well, that happens. Phrases like “Your apartment is fucking disgusting” and “you want me to pay how much for a fucking studio?” should absolutely tossed around. Let it all out.
3. Find out your roommate might not be moving?
During all the anxiety of discussing future living situations, you forgot one important thing. Your roommate is the woooorst. Is he moving? Is he not moving? He doesn’t know, and neither do you. He now has am interview at a company in Chicago, and if he gets that, he’s staying. Which is awesome. It means no packing, no more “mature conversations” with your significant other, and no more watching your sanity dwindle as you try and find a place that fits two people’s lifestyles. He just has to crush this final interview!
4. Resume planning.
Well, that was a nice three-day delay in your plans. He’s definitely moving. Cool cool cool. Back to figuring out logistics.
5. Ensure your girlfriend knows that you support her no matter what.
After all, she has a big decision on her hands. Will she decide to break her lease and move in with you, the person she claims to love, or will she stay with her roommate and leave you to live with a random person at 27-years-old, an age that many say is way too old to be having random roommates? You have to let her know that, no matter the decision she makes, you’ll stand by her fully. Even if that decision is to maroon you in an awkward living situation instead of sharing a home with you, her boyfriend of nearly three years. It’s a tough choice, and both options are definitely equally admirable.
6. Figure out whose furniture will be furnishing your new home.
You did it! You and your girlfriend are officially moving in together. Well, technically she’s moving in with you, but you’re avoiding that kind of language because her “not wanting to feel like she’s moving into your place” was a big pain point that was brought up during your mature conversation. It’s most definitely your guys’ place, and will be furnished and decorated by both of you, together, as a couple. Of course, it is already filled with furniture that doesn’t have to be moved. So, technically, it is already furnished, unless you, as a couple, decide it’s important to spend the time and energy to move new furniture in.
7. Rent a U-Haul for her furniture.
You, as a couple, have decided that it’s important to spend the time and energy to move new furniture in to your new place. It turns out the furniture that is already filling your apartment is “gross” and “stuff you literally found next to a dumpster,” and it needs to go back to where it came from. This was a good revelation. Now you just need to shell out $19.99 (plus all the ticky-tacky mileage fees) for a truck to bring the new furniture over. You should also set aside an entire Saturday and Sunday in the heart of football season to move all this shit.
8. Clean the shit out of your apartment.
Your apartment is disgusting. You wish you could disagree, but it’s a fact. It needs a deep, top-to-bottom scrubbing, and you’re an able-bodied man with a mop and a six pack of brushes. Get on your knees and reach under that toilet that hasn’t been cleaned since you moved in three years ago, it’s time to make those floors sparkle.
And there you have it. Granted, I’m only on step six, but I feel confident the last couple steps will be as fun as the first ones. Just follow my path, and you too can move in with your girlfriend with no resentment or stress. Life is a breeze. .