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Last night the stars aligned for yours truly. I crawled in bed absolutely beat, so tired in fact that I didn’t even roll over to scroll my phone while it sat idly on the bedside table charging. I was within five minutes of my head hitting the pillow, and I danced from dream sequence to dream sequence, slaying dragons, living in underwater worlds, and having relations with Emily Ratajkowski. I was out like a light last night. Full on REM mode for nearly nine hours. That’s a feat I don’t accomplish most nights, whether it’s from work related stress or a bladder that didn’t get completely emptied before I hit the hay.
And while the sleep I got last night was fantastic – under a down comforter, completely naked and surrounded by pillows at the perfect sleeping temperature (it’s 68 degrees for those asking) – all of it came crashing down this morning when I rose from my bed.
At some point during the night, I had risen from REM momentarily to down nearly 32 ounces of filtered water from the Nalgene next to my charging phone. I have no recollection of doing so, but it happened, and the bad news was I out of water.
I like to chug a glass or two of cold water right when I get up. It jump starts the day. It’s a shock to the system and I need it. No big deal, though right? Just a quick trip to the kitchen to fill the old Nalgene up and I’d be right as rain.
But as I walked from my room to the refrigerator where the BRITA is kept something felt off. A sense of dread and eeriness crept into my consciousness as I extended my arm to pull the refrigerator open. The hair was up on the back of my neck, as if I was in Skyrim and someone came up from behind me and slit my throat stealthily with a magical dagger.
The BRITA filter was empty – bone dry with no signs of life. To make matters worse, the light on the filter system was yellow, signaling that I was in desperate need of a change. I fell to my knees, arms outstretched at the ceiling above me with tears streaming down my face as I screamed “WHY, GOD? WHY MUST YOU TEST ME AT EVERY TURN?!?”
Now I’m not saying that I’m innocent in this situation. I can’t know for sure if I was the one who took the last of the filtered water. As I said, last night before bed I was pretty goddamn tired. I fill my Nalgene up before bed most nights- could I have been the prick that finished the good shit off and didn’t refill? It’s possible. But not likely.
You see there really is nothing worse than having an empty BRITA filter. BRITA is my lifeforce at home. Water is something that I hold near and dear. I like to have it and I avoid the unfiltered stuff at all costs. I call the water from my kitchen faucet “sink juice” because it doesn’t the deserve the designation of water. I buy Evian or SMART water at the airport not because I need it, but because I like the vibe it gives off to my fellow air travelers.
Yes, I can afford a six dollar water and no, I don’t want to just use my empty Nalgene and the free water fountain next to my terminal. My point is that leaving the BRITA empty is paramount to high treason. You’re a scumbag of the highest order if you leave one of those empty after cashing it. And I am not a scumbag. Ok, maybe I am but not scummy enough to leave an empty BRITA in the fridge. So whoever subjected me to an empty BRITA this morning will pay. In this life or the next they will pay for the harm they’ve caused me.
This morning I had to drink room temperature BRITA water because I wasn’t going to filter the water and then wait twenty minutes for it to get cool. And on Thanksgiving Eve, no less. A day when hydration is crucial for the night ahead! Some of you are probably rejoicing over this fact. I bet there are a few people fist pumping right now reading this knowing that I was inconvenienced this morning. Many of you will offer alternatives to my predicament.
“Just drink the sink juice, John it won’t kill you.”
“A little well water never hurt anyone.”
“You are the worst. Not every sip of water needs to come from a filtered source.”
To my detractors all I can do is shrug. You just don’t get it (*insert Dr. Evil “You just don’t get it, do ya Scott?” clip here because I couldn’t embed it*). And you might never get it. I can live with that. What I cannot live with is an empty BRITA..
Image via Youtube