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Welcome to the airport, where basic human dignity and any social constructs are thrown out the window. It’s a zoo for humans, and it only gets worse once you step onto that metal tube that’s going to hurtle you to your final destination. Give me your poor, your sick, your tired masses. The depraved, the filthy, and clinically insane. Just put em all in the airport, because it seems that everyone’s true self is revealed in the goddamn airport.
The People Who Stand In Line
Listen up. Every flight you’ve ever been on, excluding private jets, has had assigned seating. So why does a majority of the plane feel the need to stand up in line 20 minutes before boarding just to get to their seat faster? Relax you idiots. Your seat isn’t going to be gone if you wait until everyone boards. This hurry-up-and-wait mentality is so, so, dumb. But then again, a majority of people I see and interact with on a daily basis are morons so I guess I don’t really know why I’m surprised. Sidenote: these are the same people who will jump up and unbuckle immediately upon arrival (despite orders from the flight attendants to remain seated). They’ll scramble into the aisle as if they’ll get off the plane faster by doing this. Just sit in your fucking seat until everyone in front of you is walking off. It’s total lunacy. I won’t stand for it.
Shorts Guy/Girl
Vacay, bitch. You’re going to land and be beach ready right? Wrong. So wrong. What makes shorts guy think he can get away with this move, you ask? Newsflash-people do whatever they want at the airport. Once you get past TSA you’re in the Wild West. No rules. Jungle law. I don’t want to look at your pasty ass twigs in chubbies for three hours. Put a pair of jeans on like an adult. Equally as bad are the dads who wear those pants that zip off into shorts. Gotta be better than that. Just wait until you get to your hotel to put shorts on, please. Same goes for open toed sandals. Nobody wants to smell those dogs or get a glimpse at that bunion you’re too scared to take off.
The One Who Brings Hot Food
Not talked about very often, however, this is one of the more disgusting things I think one can do on an airplane. Possibly the biggest assholes in this article. Airplanes are disgusting. If I could wear a hazmat suit while flying I would, but I don’t feel like getting put on some watch list for possible terrorists. There always seems to be a guy who stopped at fucking Carrabbas or Applebee’s right before takeoff and ordered a three-course meal that is going to stink up the entire plane. Microwaved food in a pressurized cabin. Can you say YUM? This is amplified if you’re sitting next to someone with food. Was it really necessary for you to bring a goddamn meal for this two-hour ride? Couldn’t wait until you were back in the real world to shovel shit down your disgusting gullet? They’ll usually be open mouth chewers too because of course they are.
The Small Bladder
Are you asleep? Maybe zoning out while you listen to The Boy, aka Drizzy, aka Drake croon about ex-girlfriends on Views From The 6? Not with fucking window seat Sally in your row. This person gets up no less than three times to take a leak because they had to have that ten dollar liter of iced coffee from Starbucks. They’ll give you a really nice fuck you smile whenever they get up too because they know they’re winning the battle. But battles aren’t wars. Which is why the next person I’m going to describe can and should be you if you play your cards right.
The Armrest Champion
Everyone knows maintaining the armrest is essential on airplanes. It’s doubly important if you’re sitting in the middle because you’ve really got nothing else to fight for. Never, under any circumstances, take your elbows off of the armrest. This will result in your arms at your sides uncomfortably for the duration of your trip. So now that you’ve got your elbows situated, continue inching your way to more surface area of the armrest. Eventually you’ll be touching the other persons arm. Most people are mentally weak. They’ll withdraw and give it up no problem. Sure, there will be a few who won’t budge, but that just makes your flight a little more interesting. Enjoy this, as it’s probably going to be more entertaining than watching Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium on that 8-inch screen in front of you. It’ll all be over soon. And God speed if you’ve got an international flight coming up. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I think the standing in line people are less worried about their seats getting stolen and more worried about the limited overhead storage for their carry-ons.
I used to try the trick of waiting last minute so they ran out of room so they had to check my bag until my flight on Christmas Eve and I didn’t get my lost checked bags until 6 days later
Exactly. However, I still wait for the last moment if I only pack one bag. My Timbuk2 travel bag that can fit under the seat if necessary. If I have to take a rolly too getting in line is a must these days.
I’m Team line. Fuck having to put my bag some other place then above my seat. and a special Fuck you to the lady who puts her huge ass parka above the seats. Its fifty degrees out and that space is holy, bring a different coat.
I agree. Being from Houston, winter travel is the worst. If it drops below 60 here, folks dress like they’re living in The Day After Tomorrow (underrated movie in my opinion)
They did this before charging for bags made overhead space an issue too. They’re just animals, there’s no rationale for it.
Gate lice are the worst. If you’re zone 5, your bag is going to be checked no matter how close you stand to the gate.
Flying comfortable is the only way to fly. Shorts, sweat pants, flip-flops…..get over yourself Johnny D. However, fuck the hot food person all day long. They suck.
I think shorts are okay within reason, but sweatpants? Really?
I can’t stand the people who bring babies on the plane. At first it’s like their way of humble bragging that they created another walking bag of garbage as if they’ve contributed to society in a positive light. Then the baby starts crying because it starts to realize that it’s in a careening metal tube of potential death and uncertainty. The parents usually don’t do anything to try and stop their baby from crying, instead they try to press it tightly to their chest and whisper sweet nothings into the baby’s ear as if smothering another human being is a good look in public. The baby never stops crying, in fact the screams get more intense with every in un-enlightened flight attendant and elderly person that comes up to it and tries to cheer it up with hand gestures and funny faces. The parents usually try to laught it off but I already know that they deeply hate each other in some capacity because I look at the dad’s face and it usually screams “should’ve wrapped it up” and the mother usually has this look on her face as if she just accomplished the most amazing thing that could ever happen even though literally 99% of the population has the capacity to accomplish what she did at anytime. Listen, don’t get me wrong. Babies are def cool in their natural habitat but we need to create better parents who actually understand that going on vacation with a baby probably isn’t going to be fun anyway and then they just stay home for like 18 years.
You need to write an column.
Never mind, apparently you can click on someones name and see the columns they wrote. Can we get a delete button on this site for impulsive people like myself?
This is the best and most accurate description of dealing with an infant on a plane I have ever read
Most of those people probably aren’t going on vacation, but going to visit family or something else unavoidable. Get over it.
I have a feeling you’re not going to like Mr. Neirbo.
She’s only a month into the game, give her time.
I find myself reading your long comments at an ever-increasing rate of speed a-la that boat / tunnel scene in Willy Wonka.
You know, I never noticed that I do that too, but… you’re right. It’s like a roller coaster climbing the hill and then boom, there’s the drop.
But can you imagine if these people stopped and figured out that they could avoid all of these “unavoidable” things if they just stopped growing the family tree before it got wiped out by the inevitable forest fire that is….ALIENS, who have come to end the experiment they created (obviously).
People who take their shoes off on an airplane, or any public space for that matter, physically disgust me. I once saw a man walking around barefoot, including into the bathroom, on a transatlantic flight.
Once sat next to a woman who took her shoes off AND pulled out a Q-tip and started to go to town on her earwax. Awful.
Jesus Christ, where the hell was the Air Marshall when you needed him.
Only being able to afford discount airlines #PGP
Hey if it worked for John McClane, it works for me.
Generally with you on this one, but if your feet don’t smell and you keep your feet to yourself, a little shoeless time is great, especially on +8 hour flights.
I’m not saying it doesn’t feel good, but that doesn’t mean it’s not gross. It doesn’t really have anything to do with your feet, but how dirty the airplane undoubtedly is.
#6 Fat Fucks. Big babes need to buy two seats.
How about these people sitting in the wrong seats…infuriating. Is it that hard to look at your ticket to assess which row and which seat has been designated to you? And the “shocked” look when you tell them it’s your seat….don’t even get me started.
“Can I sit next to my bf/gf/significant other? I have a middle seat and you have a window but I can’t bare to be without them for an insignificant amount of time”. FUCK YOU!
I’m not sure that exact scenario makes a lot of spatial sense, but yeah, those people are the fucking worst. If the switch results in me getting an upgrade, sure, ask me; otherwise, eat shit.
First class or pass.
I have enough flight anxiety as is, so I am always saying no to that bullshit
I have a sweating problem, so I wear shorts when I fly. Sue me.
#6: people who sit in the back but put their bags in the front overheads so you end up having to put your bag in the back and wait for everyone to get off before you can get it
For that matter, any kind of carry on asshattery. One bag, 9x14x22, that’s it. Not three plastic bags of souvenirs, your winter jacket, and a duffel bag stuffed full of dirty underwear. I especially despise the kind of people who sign up for a credit card to get group 2 boarding and feel entitled to fit said items in the overhead.
Cough up the $90 annual fee and you can be one of them
I bring a full roast chicken, taters and gravy, biscuit or two because the airport chicken places are the best.
Shit you not, I’m currently 30k feet above y’all and this lady wearing a cruella deville outfit is middle seating between myself and an older gentleman. She’s smacking her gum and popping bubbles with it AND just asked the older man “since you’re in the aisle would you shift your hips outward and give me a little more room?” I’m not sure if I hate her or respect her for the power move