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With my alma mater, the Florida State Seminoles, running through the ACC at a pace that has garnered the attention of ESPN at almost one tenth the coverage that a Tim Tebow sighting would get, the office has started throwing opinions at me left and right. I am a huge supporter of my alma mater and am more than happy to talk about “Famous” Jameis Winston and the Noles, but these people are really starting to test my patience. There are a few types of football talkers that you’ll encounter, each one painful in it’s own way.
1. SEC Snob
Yes, Alabama and the rest of the SEC is by far, hands down, without a doubt the best conference in the NCAA. I am not walking around the office claiming that FSU would whoop up on any SEC team the way they put the hurt on most of these ACC scrubs, but for some reason not talking about it is not enough. The constant “I’d like to see how they’d hold up in a real conference like the Big 10 or SEC” comments make me hate the SEC Snob. They went to Kentucky, anyway. Wait until basketball season to open your mouth. Actually, don’t.
2. Never Watched Football Guy
Yeah, dude, I’m really stoked that you’d like to hear me talk about how awesome the game was, but the conversation would be much better if you had any idea what you were talking about. Your snipits of knowledge from the ESPN highlight might have been enough to get you through this conversation if you had any idea how the game of football works, but you don’t. Repeating exactly what Kirk Herbstreit said after the game is about as bearable as listening to Lou Holtz attempt a nursery rhyme. I’m not mad that you don’t know football, but I am livid that you are trying to torture me with this excruciating conversation. Let’s talk about the stock market or where you think this season of Nashville is going – literally anything, please.
Maybe their school didn’t have a football team, maybe they’re foreign, maybe they’re a Jacksonville Jaguars fan and just need something to be happy about for once in their life. Whatever the reason, people are jumping on the bandwagon of whatever flavor-of-the-month BCS contender pulled off an upset last week. That’s totally fine, especially if it happens to be the same team I root for. Come on board. It could be a fun ride. You know what I’d like you to refrain from doing? Mispronouncing player’s names, talking about the facilities that you’ve never seen, and above all else, don’t try and one-up my knowledge of the team. Kenny Shaw is an amazing return man, but Kenny Shaw is not the best return man FSU has ever seen. That would be Primetime himself, Deion Sanders. Leave my office, leave it now.
4. The Rival
I’m all for a little back and forth with a Miami or Florida fan; it comes with the territory and I’ve learn to embrace it. Even if you didn’t go to the school, as long as you have a history of being a fan of a rival team, I respect you. You know who I don’t respect? The guy who worships Tim Tebow and hates me on some personal level for essentially no reason. Bro, chill. I don’t need you walking into my office, talking shit just to get me riled up. I have my boss for that.
Looking forward to having all of these conversations after attending the game this weekend. Odds are the guy who reviews the SportsCenter highlights will know more details about the game than me. The only proper way to end this would be Go ‘Noles.