Sugary Cocktails Be Damned: Consider The Vodka-Water This Summer

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It’s finally starting to be consistently hot outside and for me that means one thing: gratuitous sweating. I can’t walk ten feet outdoors in 70+ degree weather without breaking a sweat and “pitting out,” as the kids like to say.

It’s unfortunate, but there really isn’t much I can do about it outside of consulting a physician and getting a prescription deodorant for stuff that quite literally closes the pores underneath your armpits. Sidenote: I’ve gone the prescription route before, and I can tell you that the burning sensation you feel under your armpits after application is not worth it.

In any case, it’s essential that you have a drink in front of you that can combat the assault that is summer weather. If you’re looking for a beer, you need not look any further than an ice cold Michelob Ultra. That had to have been obvious if you read this website and I don’t want to be around you if you’re drinking any other beer.

Sometimes a beer isn’t going to do the trick, though. There are simply days when a frosty sudchowski isn’t appealing to the palate. You need something with a little more kick and that’s where the mixed drink comes in. Liquor, my friends, is the elixir of life, and if you need a go-to mixy for the season I’d highly suggest considering the vodka-water.

In the past, I’ve said that a Tom Collins is the way to go if you really want to do summer the correct way. That was then and this is now. I’m no longer a spry 24-year-old man. I’m on the cusp of turning 26 and my body simply can’t handle a sugary concoction like the Tom Collins anymore.

It’s just too busy of drink for a man of my stature. That simple syrup that I used to love now gives me a hangover that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The time it takes to make a T.C. or something similar to it is right around five minutes. I don’t got that kind of time.

I need something that will hydrate as well as intoxicate, and the vodka-water is the answer to all of my prayers. The thing that I love about the vodka-water is that it doesn’t matter where you order it.

You can go to a dive and get a V-W without getting judgmental looks from a townie down the bar. You can hit up an open bar at a wedding reception and be the bartender’s favorite patron because of how easy it is to make. The V-W is sort of like McDonald’s in that you can get the same taste, same flavor anywhere you go in the world. It’s quick, it’s simple, it gets the job done.

This drink is impossible to fuck up, gets you drunk quickly, and doesn’t require any special ingredients. Yes, drinks like the Tom Collins, margarita, and pina colada are all fantastic. But those drinks require time and effort that not all of us have.

On a special occasion, I say go for it. But when the bar is crowded and you’ve got to make a snap decision that won’t leave you waiting for 15 minutes? The vodka-water garnished with a lemon wedge is there for you. Toss the lemon in and you’re good to go. No mixing required here.

You’ll probably still have a hangover in the morning because any amount of alcohol will usually do that, but at least you won’t feel bloated and gross like the schmuck who was sucking down gin and tonics all night with reckless abandon.

That water in your vodka is going to save you the next day. Let’s get back to our roots as a drinking culture. Enough with all of these complicated cocktails filled with crazy liqueurs and garnishes that we can’t pronounce correctly.

You’re going to simultaneously be the drunkest and most hydrated person at any bar you go to when you choose the V-W. The only phrase you need to remember for the rest of this summer?

“Excuse me, barkeep? Make it a vodka-water, please. And a lemon wedge if you’ve got it.”

Image via Unsplash

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail:

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