So you went out last night. Maybe it was someone’s birthday dinner (one of four birthday events spread out over the weekend). Maybe it was a happy hour that went off the rails and turned into you slugging shots at 2:30 a.m. on a weeknight. Maybe you just made the conscious decision that your week has been long enough, and you wanted to black out (#respect). There’s no judgment here. I’m in the same boat. I woke up this morning in a bed that wasn’t mine, wearing nothing but three bar stamps on my arms, with nothing on my mind except getting home. It was a long commute, and I think I set my record for two-handed face wipes on the train, but luckily I followed a set of steps to ensure that I crushed that walk of shame.
Step 1: Embrace the hungover look.
Listen, you’re not fooling anyone by attempting to tuck your shirt in or do your hair before you head home. You have visible bar stamps on your arms, you smell like a distillery, and your eyes are bloodshot because you didn’t think ahead to bring sunglasses. Anyone who’s judging you is just secretly jealous they didn’t get any last night. A stained button down and messed up hair at 8 a.m. screams confidence. You want people to look at you and say, “Damn, that guy went out last night and crushed it,” not “is that guy about to throw up on my lap?” If a pretty girl gets on the bus, maybe hit her with a wink. Girls like what other girls like, and that scratch mark on your neck lets her know you’re a freak.
Step 2: Make sure to double-check what train/bus you’re getting on.
If you’re trying to hop on the local line for a quick two-stop ride home, make sure you look before you get on the train. You don’t want to look up from your phone after fifteen minutes and realize you’re on an express train and it’s taking your hungover ass to the end of the line. If you don’t double check, you will end up in a part of the city you’ve never seen before attempting to figure out a new (and more expensive) way home.
Step 3: Make sure to charge your phone before you leave for home.
You may think all you want to do is get out and get home, but believe me, you’re going to want that thing charged up. For one, this hungover commute is not the time to get lost in your thoughts. It’s a weekday, you’re surrounded by people on their way to work, and you don’t need your brain trying to bring you down by asking when you’ll grow up and stop doing this to yourself / why you thought it was a good idea to order tequila shots at last call. You need to be able to listen to some jams, browse social media, and text your boys to ensure yourself that you have friends.
Furthermore, when you inevitably end up at a random part of the city nowhere near your home (because you’re too dumb to read what train you’re getting on), you will want to be able to use your phone to get home. Lets be honest, you have the sense of direction of a blind lemming, and you will have no idea where your house is, or what train to take to get back.
Step 4: Make sure to be aware of the events schedule for your city before you begin your commute.
This will ensure that when you finally figure out which train to take towards home (after being judged by several business men you had to ask for directions), you won’t accidentally get off at the stop right outside of a baseball stadium during a home game. You should know by now what home games are happening in your city with all the SportsCenter you fall asleep watching, you lazy idiot. If you do not follow this step, you will end up in an enormous crowd of slow moving tourists, seconds away from tears as you desperately just want to walk the final mile to your house. The only positive side to this situation is the fact that your stench will make people move out of your way a little quicker.
Step 5: Hydrate.
When you finally do get home, make sure to catch your breath and think for a second before you reach for a refreshing drink in the fridge. If you give your hungover brain a minute to process, you will not make the mistake of accidentally grabbing that jug of pre-made mimosa disguising as orange juice. Of course, since you won’t follow this step, you’ll decide you deserve a mimosa after your long morning and end up rocking an accidental buzz at 11am. On a weekday. Congratulations, you degenerate.
Step 6: Brag.
Options for this include (but are not limited to): describing your night (and subsequent morning) to everyone in your group text; writing a column about how you crushed your walk of shame and let the Internet bask in your wise words and knowledge. You’re welcome everyone. .
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