Power Ranking Every Interaction I Had At The Office On My Last Day Before A Week-Long Vacation

Power Ranking Every Interaction I Had At The Office On My Last Day Before A Week-Long Vacation

Back in July, I got a promotion. I took a risk, shot my shot, and crushed it. Without going into too much detail about my company (because I signed the NDA), I went from assessing and handling risks to training the people that assess and handle risks. I was really, really excited about that, until I realized that we would be going on a three-month long hiring sprint from mid-September through mid-November, ending in mid-December.

About halfway through the sprint, my parents asked me if I wanted to join them and the rest of my family on a New Years trip to Punta Cana, to which I obviously said yes. Well friends, the sprint is over, and New Years is here. Today is my last day at the office for the next week, and naturally, I had to talk to a few people. Some of these talks were good, some were bad. Let’s rank them.

5. Luke, my Boss’ Boss

I’ve known Luke for about a year now, and honestly, I just can’t get a read on him. He’s fantastic about speaking in front of crowds, but the second you get him in a one-on-one scenario, he can see right through you. He caught me working late last night, hustling on some Google Sheets so that I would have less stuff to do today. Today he asked me why I was working so hard last night. When I told him that I was going on vacation tomorrow, he shook his head and said, “Oh, I gotcha,” while looking at my boss behind me.

I’m not sure what that means, and now I’m paranoid.

4. Katie, Coworker On My Team

Not amazing, not terrible. Sorry Katie, but you bring nothing to the table and trying to have a conversation with you about anything other than Black Mirror is like pulling teeth.

3. Garrett, Work Buddy Who Hates His Job

I’m putting Garrett at the middle of the pack for two reasons. The first is because he’s genuinely enthusiastic about me going on this trip. We both started here at around the same time, so naturally, we bonded. We want to see each other succeed, and have a good time doing it.

The second reason that I’m putting him at the middle of the pack is because, frankly, the guy hates it here, and the conversation was kind of sad. At one point he said, “Make sure you take a lot of pictures so that I can imagine doing cool shit one day,” which I know is not far from what he’ll do if he sees pictures of me in a Hawaiian shirt on a catamaran somewhere in the Caribbean.

2. Elizabeth, Cute Secretary

Her: I’m sooooooo jealous of you! I haven’t been on a trip like that in forever!

Me: I know, I know. I’m really lucky I get to go. I’m just worried about what kind of tan line this beard is going to give me!

Her: *Looks at the ground, then back up at me* Oh, I’m sure it’ll be really cute. You have a knack for that kind of thing.

Me: Ahh, I don’t know. These days I normally look like the upper half of a vanilla soft-serve ice cream cone with my shirt off, so I’m sure the beard-tan-line won’t help that mess.

Ranking this at the runner-up because I realized an hour later that she might have been flirting with me.

1. Janitorial Staff

I won the admiration of our janitorial staff a few months back. I’m not sure how I did it, seeing as they have a general distaste towards anyone who isn’t of their kin. Maybe it was by saying, “Thank you,” the time I spilled coffee on the carpet. I don’t know, common courtesy gets you places sometimes.

Either way, when Grant came up to me today to tell me that he heard through the grapevine that I was going to Punta Cana, and I confirmed it, his eyes lit up. He was like a kid on Christmas. He was giving me advice, teaching me how to say, “Hey man, do you know where I can get some weed?” in Spanish, and telling me how to eat all of the traditional Dominican foods—which, admittedly, was weird, because he’s white. But when I asked him why he was showing me all of this, he said the following:

“You’ve just been busting your ass for the last few months, looking stressed as hell, and I want to make sure you hit the ultimate level of relaxation.”

Thanks, Grant. I do need to hit my ultimate level of relaxation so that I start 2017 off right. Let’s go.

Image via Shutterstock

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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