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If You Own A PlayStation 4 And Regularly Have Intercourse, You Need These Games

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What’s up you fucking nerd? Just kidding. If you were a legit nerd you wouldn’t read this column because you’d already own all of these games and be too busy working on hour 172 of Fallout 4 or some shit. Long story short, I’ve played every PS4 game worth playing because I am a nocturnal freak, and these are far and away my favorites. During the heat of this summer, you’re undoubtedly going to have some downtime where it is both unhealthy and irresponsible to step foot outside, so grab a copy of everything below to load up on endless hours of entertainment and thank me later.

Oh and I’m not going to waste keystrokes telling you about shit like GTA V, or Call of Duty or FIFA, because those are obvious and if you don’t have them already I feel truly sorry for you. Also, I will destroy any of you in FIFA. Get at me, bitch. Gamertag is BossRolen.

1. Horizon Zero Dawn

This isn’t just one of the best games I’ve played on PS4, Horizon Zero Dawn is easily one of my top 10 favorite games ever on any platform — period. It’s one of those games that, at face value, might strike you as too nerdy to be up your alley if you’re not a mouth-breather, but give it a chance and I guarantee it will blow your fucking mind, consume weeks of your life and probably do significant damage to your personal hygiene. It’s that good. Fantastic storyline, unbelievable graphics, and easy gameplay. Two words: robot dinosaurs. Boom shaka-laka. If you buy this and don’t enjoy it, let me know and I’ll personally come through and slap the shit out of you because you have trash taste.

2. The Last of Us

This particular title is the reason I bought a PS4 in the first place. While it’s definitely one of the darker games I’ve played (it revolves around a zombie apocalypse, so dark vibes come with the territory), The Last of Us falls into the same tier as Horizon Zero Dawn in terms of quality, entertainment, and addictiveness. It’s like watching a badass movie, but you’re in control instead of just sitting there with a tub of popcorn like a fat doofus. If you’re into zombies, or a fan of The Walking Dead or anything like that, this shit right here is guaranteed to please. I can confidently say this is one of the greatest video games ever made. It’s completely enthralling and often genuinely terrifying. If you’re the kind of psycho who likes watching scary movies home alone in the dark, you will be aroused. If you’re not that kind of psycho, you will still have a ton of fun.

3. Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End

I was completely unfamiliar with the Unchartered franchise until a buddy of mine recommended Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End, and now I am forever in his debt. I ran through this hoe in a week flat. Couldn’t remove myself from the couch. Might’ve called in sick to work a couple days just so I’d have more time to ball out. So many bullets. So much awesome. Puzzle solving, righteous gun battles, pirate treasure. In a lot of ways it’s comparable to the Assassin’s Creed franchise (my favorite of which is Black Flag, because pirates), but on a whole other level of insanity. I’m going back to play all the preceding Unchartered titles as a result of this one. That’s how good it is.

Also, and this might come off as a little random, but Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is fucking garbage. It’s regularly advertised as some kind of masterpiece and rated as one of the top PS4 games, but I got two hours into that thing, had no idea what the fuck was going on and wanted to fly to Japan to fight the creators. The storyline is completely indecipherable and nonsensical. Fuck right off if you come at me in the comments for leaving that “game” out of this column.

If you fall on the slightly nerdier side of the spectrum (not that there’s anything wrong with that), here are a few other PS4 titles that I thoroughly enjoyed and promise you’ll dig: Overwatch, Destiny, Batman: Arkham Knight, and Titanfall 2.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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