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I come to you live from a bedroom at my mom and dad’s house. It’s raining, the window is cracked, and I’m on the wrong end of a wedding weekend where I didn’t hold back. Mentally and physically, things are… bad.
Before we get into today’s crop of stories, I implore you to listen to The Sunday Scaries Podcast on iTunes. The episodes are short, relaxing, and you can probably knock one out in the same time it’ll take you to read this column. Here’s yesterday’s episode.
Alright, let’s get into this week’s crop of stories. I need them more than I can explain. If you have stories of your own, you can email them to me at will@grandex.co — always anonymous.
Hey Will,
LTFT. My college boyfriend and I have remained close since breaking up and moving to different states. He started dating a new girl earlier this year. Always a strange feeling, but I wasn’t upset about it … until this past week. I realized he was no longer returning any of my texts, snaps, nothing- couldn’t even get the obligatory “like” on the (fire)memes I sent him. Don’t get me wrong we don’t talk all the time anymore, but I was pretty shocked to be completely ignored.
I call him out, get really upset about it. He kind of responds a bit saying he hates not talking to me but it’s getting serious with her and she doesn’t want him talking to me blah blah but the excuses aren’t cutting it for me and I’m pissed.
Fast forward to the weekend, I go on a bad ass trip with my friends to Blue Ridge. We get there about 11 am and immediately start drinking. I’m not exactly what time the drunk dials started but I know they didn’t end for a loooong while. In my state of mind I decided that if he was going to ignore me I would just harass him until he finally either talked to me, or blocked me. Might have also called all his friends wanting them to step in on this “totally bullshit situation” (because oh yeah, he should definitely pick friendship with me over a legitimate relationship with another girl.. what the fuck @myself). His friends are still my friends too, but I’m the one who ended our relationship in the first place so this was clearly an insane request.
After about an hour of sleep (on the couch, never made it to bed), it’s time to leave. I can barely see straight and am feeling a bit sheepish the more I remember. On the way out we last-minute decide to stop at this random hole in the wall for breakfast. This is in the middle of nowhere, it’s not so much a restaurant as it is four wooden posts with a roof on top. Fine with me though- I look like I’ve just been pulled out of the gutter, and probably smell the same as well. We sit down, I look up and see my ex.
He walks out and around to the back of the restaurant. I’m thinking there’s no way that’s him, I have got to be hallucinating. All fucks to the wind I jump up and beeline for him… and run smack into HIS MOTHER. I’m still super drunk and just completely dismantled at this point, so I’m not sure I even said “hi” just start talking to her. She is saying something about their seating- I realize oh my shit, she doesn’t recognize me. She thinks I’m the waitress. So then I have to introduce myself, at which point new girlfriend is walking over…. with a puppy. Ex boyfriend and his dad walk over, and I’m just standing in the middle of the circle of them. I’m full of regret at this point and there is no escape. Feeling like a sacrificial lamb about to be gutted, I try to smile and chat all friendly but all that I really remember saying was “um… you got a dog?????” Then I get out of there as fast as I can.
Return to my friends and immediately lay into the fact that “THEY GOT A FUCKING DOG TOGETHER what the fuck they just started dating!!!!” (as you can tell I’m very upset about this puppy scenario) and just am losing it when I finally see that my friends are trying to signal me to shut up. His mom had walked back into the restaurant and heard every bit of my profanity-riddled breakdown…
Lesson learned: the crazy ex role is not for me. Also never travel without a Xanax on hand.
Okay, this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but are there pics of this dog? Just like, a couple photos that I can look at right now? What breed is it? Boy or girl? There are a lot of loose ends here that I would love to tie up.
Delete this guy’s number from your phone, by the way. This sounds unhealthy.
I’ll make this one quick. My friends and I are recent grads and start our respective jobs in the coming weeks in different cities. Since it was our final weekend together we decided to head to the bars Saturday night. We drink a good bit and towards the end of the night I black out only to wake up in my friend’s sisters room (she’s away for college) having no recollection of getting back to his parents place. In the morning, I try to piece the end of the night together with my friends and for the most part, it seemed like nothing too bad happened. Low and behold, on Monday evening I get a video from my friend showcasing that I had pee’d in his sisters hamper. Nothing like an aftershock when you thought you had escaped. I’m way too old for this… I surely know a residence I’ll never be welcome at again.
Three certainties in life: death, taxes, and people peeing in closets/hampers when they’re three sheets to the wind.
Favorite co-worker and good friend left the company on Friday.
Break up with the S/O Saturday night.
Have to travel for work basically through January, and I hate traveling.
The Sunday morning coffee isn’t strong enough for this.
Somehow, those are actually listed in the same Scary-ness that I’d rank them. The coworker loss is just brutal.
Coming to you live from the comfort of my couch, where I will stay the rest of the day.
Went to a sorority sister’s wedding last night, so of course we all had to act like we were still in college. The open bar closed before the cocktail hour even ended because we had already met the quota. So, it was then a cash bar. The bartender really liked only a few so us, so instead of paying $7 for cocktails, we got away with only paying a buck. Meanwhile, the girls he didn’t like, had to pay full price.
I hit a fucking wall, and instead of going out with my friends, I took home the best man- a kid I knew in college who once DDed me and my ex. Found out the hard way that my headboard is NOT secure and pissed off both my neighbor and my poor roommate. I have a HUGE hickey on one side of my neck and a fucking BITE MARK on the other. This dude had the audacity to say “huh, I’ve never given a hickey before.” Yeah sure okay. Went to breakfast with my friends after the best man left and got a lot of judgmental looks. Then had to go get my car in the church parking lot while service was letting out. Sorry God, I’m ashamed.
Wish me luck as I attend yet another sorority sister’s wedding next weekend and stay at my parents’. Any tips to get rid of this hickey are greatly appreciated. Also for some reason I’m watching “Mother!” rn and I think it’s just going to make me feel worse.
Ha, who even thinks it’s a good idea to give hickeys? Come on. It’s 2018. What’s next? Going steady and doing some necking?
My alma mater had move-in weekend this weekend. I graudated in May and am still searching for a job. Anyone hiring?
Nope.
First of all, I love this weekly column and your brand, thank you for the countless hours of great entertainment. I have some sober scaries to share with you. My wife and I just moved into a brand new, beautiful home this weekend. Our apartment lease isn’t up until early September so we have some time to clean before our final walk through. The apartment is in great shape and is about two hour hours of light cleaning away from being move out ready. However, about two weeks ago our purebred corgi, I guess, stress peed all over a box that was sitting on carpet in the living room. There were a bunch of other boxes and furniture in the living room at the time so we didn’t notice it until long after he peed, and now there’s a yellow box outline in the carpet. We’ve tried everything to get it out from random home solutions to store bought cleaners, and nothing will get this stain out. Our apartment makes us pay $100 for carpet cleaning no matter what, but I’m having scaries that even professional cleaners won’t get it out and we’ll be charged for the damage. To make the scaries worse, I went to our apartment today to finish cleaning and found a note on the door notifying me that management will be doing a pre move out walk through this Tuesday, so now I have basically tonight and tomorrow to figure it out. Nothing else went wrong with the move or new home, and this is the only anxiety spiking issue, which is annoying because it could have been avoided. I wanted to play golf tomorrow because I took the next two days of work, but I’m still dealing with this stain. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Love the fact that he referred to this dog as a “purebred corgi.” Just dunking on everyone for being shoppers and not adopters. If anyone in the comment section has any advice for this gentleman, please leave it. I’m inexperienced in this realm so hopefully my purebred Springer Spaniel never pees on anything.
I saw American Aquarium live for the first time ever on Saturday night. I was second row. Moved by the spirit in the truest sense. Phenomenal show. Band photographer captured a photo of me in the crowd screaming my head off during “I Hope He Breaks Your Heart” and today (Sunday) the band used it as the promo photo for their next round of tour dates on Insta. Had no idea until random people started messaging me about it about five mins ago. Now I’m the crazy girl from the American Aquarium show. Bless up.
Am I old for not knowing this was a band and thinking she just got hammered at an aquarium? Because honestly, both sound pretty tight. And you know everyone reading this is going directly to their Instagram to see this photo.
Told myself I’d stop claiming it was my birthday Sunday at 8 PM after celebrating Tuesday through now. My birthday was Thursday.
Boyfriend made reservations at the best restaurant in the city Thursday night, where we ate far too much pretentious but amazing Italian food. He then dragged me to a brewery that I did NOT want to go to, where several of our friends were waiting to surprise us. Chugged two mango beers after having a tequila based cocktail and two glasses of orange wine (yeah, I’d never heard of it either, but it was $22 a glass so I guess it was good) at dinner.
Grabbed an Uber XL and dragged everyone to another beer hall, where we mixed liters of German beer with tequila shots. Managed to get my 21 year old hipster cousin to come out and meet us, and spent the rest of the night smoking his mango Juul.
After two or three liters and too many shots to have been a good idea, we roll to the skeeball bar across the street and spend $100 on touchtunes between the ten or so of us, playing exclusively early 2000s rap and Mr. Brightside for an hour.
Wake up the next day miraculously not hungover, but with a raging cold. I bravely soldier on and move the party 90 miles north to NYC, where activities ranged from drinks at Bemelmans to seeing Bette Midler on the street.
Paying the price right now as I battle a cumulative hangover, the aforementioned cold, and the #feelings leftover from doing the 9/11 Museum this morning. Gonna be a rough Monday.
If we’re being honest here, that actually sounds like a fun weekend. Your hipster cousin sounds like he would bully me IRL and then blow Juul smoke in my face. He’s probably way cooler than me.
Hey Will first time, long time
So this is coming from the post midnight NJT train from penn cause being home sounds sooooo much better than commuting from the city in the morning.
This weekend I had a wedding for the sister of one of my best friends from college and a good piece of our group was getting back together. Friday night was preseason football to get the body ready and Saturday was “to take it easy”. After getting back to Myat friends apartment at 4am, not so easy. Tiredness aside, we solidered on to a slightly boozy brunch before napping everything off before the wedding.
The ceremony was really nice and the venue had some beautiful views and the booze flowing. Everyone’s having a good time and we’re stumbling through the night.
All of a sudden, this guy taps me on the shoulder and says let’s do shots. Me being a man of good tastes says let’s hit the bar. At the bar, said guy gets a beer instead and then asks if I want to hit the bunny slopes. Figure ehh why not and we head out to hit the slopes. Homie proceeds to produce a line equivalent to the Himalayas to me and after a couple falls we make it down the slopes.
By this point I’m pretty pleased having let all my stuff back home. However said “friend” now wants a cig outside. We head out front where he proceeds to give me 30 minuet lecture on why religion is bs and the government isn’t real and so on and so fort. I somehow talk our way back upstairs and catch up with my friends right before the wedding ends. No one (important) seemed to notice I left and I head back to the hotel room I’m splitting with one of my friends.
After arriving at the hotel room, he surprises me with the “I’m still sober so I’m gonna check out and go home right now” move so my ass is now needing to catch a train home cause my bed seems better than any other at the moment.
Also in a stupid attempt to get me down cause I’m strung along harder than a metal guitarist, I got a rather strong edible right before the train. Not sure how this is gonna go but Ts and Ps I make it to my station.
Keep up the good work with the scaries podcast. Love them
You knew it was over after you decided to do shots. Stop doing shots and giving hickeys — these are irresponsible things to do in this day and age.
Guys and gals, hope your Monday goes smoothly. Great work out there this weekend. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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After reading the first submission, I have a new appreciation for every ex that has let the past be the past.
Right? I got a serious case of secondhand anxiety for the poor dude who got broken up with and then had this chick go absolutely certifiably batshit insane on him for moving on with his life.
This girl sounds like she needs to talk to someone
Especially after she was the one who called it off
talk about coming in hot on a Monday
First gal – Woah there…
American Aquarium gal – On the bright side, you can use this to catapult yourself to fame (or as a story for Bumble/The League).
Last person – your euphemism was so long and drawn out that I’m now confused. Did you do winter activities on actual snow or cocaine????
American Aquarium girl in the red top? Why’s your hand so filthy?
I’ve gotten hammered at an aquarium before. Can confirm it’s pretty neat.
American Aquarium girl – are you the blonde? with the rust colored top? Whomever you were thinking of while singing that song, you definitely let them know
Originally read the title as “Peeing in Hickey’s,” thought some weird shit may have gone down.
Hickey trick: Spoon in freezer, hold it there and also scrape the edges against the hickey lightly as long as skin isn’t broken.
It’s not a hickey when your skin breaks, it’s a vampire bite.
I would suggest a penny rather than a spoon. Scrape away from the center of the hickey, it’s gonna hurt but if you do it every 30 minutes to an hour it will be gone within the day depending mostly on how bad it is.
I have seen American Aquarium 5 times live, no one should be taking pictures during that song, it is an ALL TIME sing along. Crazy Ex from the first submission would love it.
AA goes hard
@ dude with the corgi-pee damage problem – A similar thing happened to my boyfriend and I this weekend. We bought a house last November but our lease wasn’t up until end of July this year, so we got subletters. Got a call from the landlord this weekend saying the sublets didn’t pay the last few months of rent and also caused damage to the apartment. So we owe him a fat chunk of change on top of the security deposit we won’t be getting back. Be grateful if all they do is hold on to your security deposit.
To the guy with the pee stain, try Nature’s Miracle. It’s for pet stains, but I’ve used it for everything from cleaning cat vomit off my couch to getting a red wine stain out of my carpet. Shit’s amazing.
To the last guy, you’re lucky NJT didn’t cancel your post-midnight train home. The bastards cancelled mine on Saturday night and I had to take a $100 uber home.