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I have a fundamental issue with a restaurant I normally go to about once a week. People say their margaritas are like breasts – “One isn’t enough, but three is too many.” But sayings are all well and good until you try to put them into action. When there’s an hour wait, you’re going to drink a margarita. When you finish said margarita and sit down at your table for some chips and salsa, there’s going to be another margarita. And when your entree finally comes, well, you know the drill. When it’s all said and done, you’re drunk.
But the fear of drinking three margaritas is nothing compared to the disgusting activities our readers engaged in this weekend. Let’s explore.
Had some friends over for a breakfast of eggs bacon and pancakes before a long day of day drinking. Desired to get reckless very early and started pounding shots of straight jäger at about 9am on Saturday. Blacked out by 11:30am. A friend I was with that day told me I threw up multiple times, and one time was about ten feet from of a bunch of Girl Scouts who were selling cookies. Pretty sure I have scarred those girls for the rest of their lives. If I was coherent I would have bought all their cookies to make up for it. I was also told I tried to fight a group of 3 men who looked to all be about 24-27 years old. #LiquidEncouragement
Yeah, man. I don’t know. Like, I want to make you feel better about yourself but I also don’t want to encourage your behavior. The notion that it might be okay to 1. drink Jager in the first place and 2. Drink Jager around children is just false.
sent the following to my buddy. i changed the names to protect myself a little.
alex bailed. i yelled at her and we ended up talking all night until i blacked out. i was with new michelle all night but she left at like 12 so i found christine and bought her a shot then started feverishly making out at the bar like children. that happened for like 20 minutes and then she got kicked out for spilling a drink. we went home had sex passed out. had sex again this morning. she was calling an uber at like 8 and realized SHE DIDNT HAVE HER PHONE. so we had to wait until 11 for her to go to the bar and pick it up. but my car was at steve’s so she had to uber with me there and i had to drive her back to the bar to get her phone. LUCKILY her roommate lost her dignity last night too and was there waiting for them to open so i got to leave. and now i’m watching liberals complain about russia while i eat a burrito
Honest question – why didn’t you just call her an Uber from your phone? I know that may not be the most chivalrous thing to do, but she probably would’ve appreciated not having the uncomfortable car ride either. I know neither of you were thinking completely straight (see: above) but the worst possible thing you can do after a situation like that is linger around each other.
I made out with a stranger in the dining room section of a bar… at 9:45. Fenway bars win again.
Public makeouts always seem worse than they actually are. Look on the bright side – no one knew who you were, and no one could see your face because it was covered with her face. #perspective
Just got out of a 2 year relationship. Of course I spent the entire weekend drunk. Naturally Saturday night I ended up at an establishment that was too classy for the level of booze I had consumed. The waitress was very attractive. After an hour or so my group was ready to move onto another bar so we closed out and on my receipt I wrote, text me and my number… then below it I wrote; for some reason only 11:30 drunk me would know; I simply added “Shooters Shoot.” Needless to say I have not received a text or call from this lady.
The success rate of leaving your number on a receipt for a waitress is about as good as the success rate of trying to solve algebra equations by chewing bubble gum. It’s just not going to happen, man. And once you add “Shooters Shoot” to it? Well, do I even need to explain why the reasoning behind this was poor?
I began the day by drinking at 11 this morning at brunch with my parents, and then came back to school and continuously drank on our quad until quarter to 8.
It is now 9:30pm and I am sitting in a bar with three other people nursing an ice water and getting dangerously close to being sober. I’ve never been in a situation like this before and the dread and terror I feel is absolutely unparalleled. The idea that I potentially have to deal with this every Sunday for the rest of my life is terrifying me. I don’t know what to do, please help.
I hate to break it to you, but welcome to the rest of your life.
Explored the city of Boston all weekend with my parents. Great restaurants, great beers. Everything seems to be going great until I lay in this hotel bed tonight with the ultimate scaries due to the fact that I’m racing the Boston Marathon tomorrow. I’ve also spent more money not getting hammered than I would if I was at home going out for two nights. Not sure if this is the worst or best thing I’ve done all weekend. Stay tuned.
Is this your backhanded way of bragging to everyone that you’re running in a marathon? I tell ya, these marathon people will do anything to shout it from the rooftops.
Just kidding.
Kind of.
But seriously, maybe next time just pound some pasta the night before rather than drink on your dad’s tab all weekend.
Went to vegas, lost my ID. Got it back the next day, lost my phone a few hours later. Also lost so much money that I cannot afford a new phone. I have a phone interview this week hopefully I get a phone by that point.
Losing your ID? Not that bad. Rumors are out there that Dave once got on a plane with only a debit card. But losing your phone? Well, that ranks high on the “worst things to lose when you’re drunk” scale.
As always, send the worst things you do every weekend to will@grandex.co. .
Still scared? I get it. Head over to Man Repeller and read The Sunday Scaries Diary I did for them last week. There’s no better way to feel better about yourself than by overspending on brunch and watching Planet Earth.
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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will@grandex.co
Waking up after blacking out with your phone, keys, and wallet all accounted for is one of the biggest feelings of relief
This weekend I blacked out and yelled ‘I’m deadass finna get faded off this henny’ because I was trying to impress a girl I thought was ‘ghetto’ I was drinking a vodka soda.
This is funny as fuck. Thanks for a laugh
Thanks Natalie, means a lot that a dime piece like you thinks I’m funny
i just got weird looks in my lecture from trying to hide my laughter at this.
That person who is in Boston to run the Marathon won’t win lol
This column (almost) always makes me feel better about whatever I get in to during the weekends.
I watched “Girls” last night. I want to die.
Micah claps back at DeFries and the base touchers!
Did the person in the 2nd submission really take the time to change all his capital letters into lowercase? Every time I saw “i” I cringed…
It’s always easy to pick out which submission is Duda’s.
I also the second person’s submission. Intentionally didn’t capitalize anything. Reads like e.e. Cummings, but nowhere near as poetic.
I did about 12 hours of housework and yardwork this weekend, then fell asleep halfway through my second beer both Saturday and Sunday nights. Haha wild shit right guys?
Go hard or go– er… and stay home?
When I have a normal, garbagey weekend, this post always helps. I do have to say though, on the rare low-key, well-behaved, fiscally responsible weekends, I can’t help but feel I did it all wrong after soaking up this debauchery.
This is a great take. I turned 30 two weeks ago and at this point since I’m not married nor do I have any children, I feel it is my duty to still engage in debauchery while I still can.
I’m still tasting yesterday’s cigar. Terrible.