Almost every sports team has had moments in its history that have driven its fans to drink, get in fights, get divorced, stab someone, or just flat-out die inside. It takes a dedicated masochist to continue rooting for some of these teams. Below are notable moments that really dropkicked the collective nutsack of the fan base of each team.
Please note that this only covers sports that matter in America. If you’re looking for soccer disappointments, just look in the mirror, you socialist weasel.
The Romo Hold
There’s a tragically long list of bonehead plays that have cost this team big, but let’s try to narrow it down to the most recent kicks to the nether region. After taking over for stone-footed Drew Bledsoe, relatively unknown Tony Romo leads the decade-long shit train that was the Cowboys into a wild card game against the Seahawks. Trailing 21-20 with 1:19 to go, the Cowboys have a chip-shot field goal attempt to take the lead and likely win the game. Romo is the holder. He literally just has to catch the ball and put it down, but instead, he decides to kick America’s team square in the patriotic dick as he fumbles it, runs, and is tackled short of the end zone. Cowboys lose. Suicide ensues.
The Dez “Catch”
The Cowboys are driving, with a win resulting in the Cowboys’ first NFC Championship appearance since 1995. With the Packers defense holding, man-child and repeat offender Dez Bryant is miraculously left in single coverage down the left sideline. Romo throws a good ball high and Dez plucks it out of the air, stumbles, and his elbow hits the ground at the one-yard line. Fans are ecstatic, except for the savvier ones who remember the Calvin Johnson rule, which clearly states that some catches aren’t really catches because fuck you. This was one of those instances. The Cowboys no-name defense couldn’t stop Aaron Rodgers and the confidence he carries gained from regularly plowing Olivia Munn. Cowboys lose. Suicide ensues. Testicles punted.
Arizona Cardinals – Super Bowl XLIII
After going undrafted and spending four years in the Arena League, future hall-of-famer and crewcut enthusiast Kurt Warner was on his way to obtaining his second Super Bowl ring at age thirty-seven. It would have been the first for the often forgotten Arizona Cardinals franchise. But with thirty-five seconds left, unspectacular Steelers receiver Santonio Holmes makes one of the greatest catches in the history of the game to give the Steelers an NFL-best six Super Bowl wins (dicks). It wasn’t the extra point that went through the uprights, but the ballbag of every long-suffering Cardinals fan.
Oakland Raiders – The Al Davis Bloodline
With six playoff wins since 1984, this team fucking sucks. The Raiders were a perennial playoff team in the ’70s and early ’80s, but that’s before the organization decided to completely shit its pants. Then owner and noted lunatic Al Davis made several questionable decisions during his tenure, the most famous of which being when he drafted Jamarcus Russell first overall in the 2007 draft. This blunder effectively set the bar for evaluating a shitty draft pick. If your team has made a God-awful draft pick while simultaneously spending millions of dollars and ruining your team’s immediate future, you’ve graded “bust” on the Raiders Scale. Al Davis is no longer with us, but his ghost still haunts this shitbox of a franchise and will continue until the team can exorcise his spirit with a playoff win.
Seattle Seahawks – Super Bowl XLIX
Seattle has it all: the swagger, the toughness, a young team, a douchebag cheating coach who throws his players under the bus, and it nearly had consecutive Super Bowl victories. With the clock winding down, Seattle is on the one-yard line with one timeout and a running back who is notoriously impossible to tackle for no gain. So, naturally, the play call comes in as a quick slant to a receiver no one has heard of, and a cornerback no one has heard of picks it off. Maybe it’s karma for being a cheater, except the Patriots won, so it can’t be that. The football gods looked down condescendingly on the single shittiest play call in football history and simply couldn’t allow a call so stupid to be rewarded. Serves them right.
Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre Dick Pics
Green Bay had Favre before New England had Brady, its own golden boy setting records and always being a playoff contender. It’s a little unfair to put something a player does while on a different team back on the Packers, but no one sees Favre in anything but green and yellow. In 2010, scandal broke that Favre allegedly sent lewd pictures, voicemails, and texts during his time with the Jets to Jenn Sterger, a TV personality for the Jets who actually has two large personalities. In classic Favre fashion, a dong pic he sent to Sterger also featured him clearly sporting a pair of Crocs, bringing the grand total of fucks given by Favre to a resounding zero.
Dallas Mavericks – 2006 NBA Finals
I still can’t talk about this. Up 2-0, lose four straight games. Bullshit. Whatever. I also just got called for a foul on Dwayne Wade. Who needs a fucking wheelchair for a shoulder injury?
Cleveland Cavaliers – Existence, The Decision
Saying the Cavs have had nineteen winning seasons in forty-six years still doesn’t do justice to what a steaming pile of shit this franchise has been. But in 2003, all the suffering was about to pay off. An eighteen-year-old savior named LeBron James, from nearby Akron, had dropped into their lap and would be the face of the franchise while bringing in title after title. After making the playoffs five straight years and getting swept in the finals by the asshole Spurs, LeBron’s contract was up in 2010. Cleveland made him the best money offer, and many felt that would be enough to retain the hometown hero. Wrong. In a public spectacle that could not have been executed in a douchier manner without a Kardashian being involved, LeBron announced he was headed to Miami. Posters came down like the toppling of the Saddam statue, LeBron had to move his family out of their house — it was bad. LeBron left the fans stuck in a cesspool of the Browns, Indians, and Cavaliers. Real dick move.
Boston Red Sox – Curse Of The Bambino
By 1918, the Red Sox had already won five World Series titles and were one of the best teams in baseball every year, partially thanks to some guy named George Herman Ruth. Then, for some reason, they traded the Babe to the New York Yankees, triggering an onslaught of heartbreak and sack-kicking of epic proportions that would last nearly a century. For eighty-six years, the Red Sox would not win another World Series, while the previously mediocre Yankees became wildly successful and one of the most successful and valuable sports franchises in the world, despite being hated by everyone. If you were looking for the catalyst behind generations of perpetually drunk Bostonians, this is it. Eighty-six years of being drunk eases the pain of your sack going one-on-one with a blender.
Texas Rangers – 2011 World Series
Maybe it’s because I’ve had a good life, but this is probably the worst damn thing that’s ever happened to me. Leading the series 3-2, bottom of the ninth in Game 6 on the road, up by one with two outs, Rangers closer Neftali Feliz has two strikes on David Freese. Obviously overmatched, Freese is late on a fastball and takes it to right field for a relatively easy out, but not if galloping, ‘roided up defensive buffoon Nelson Cruz has anything to say about it. As if he hadn’t played for six years in that exact same spot with that exact same jet stream, Cruz misplays the ball and allows the MLB’s slowest baserunner, future steroid case, and current deadweight contract drain Albert Pujols to score from second. The Rangers would end up losing the World Series. I died that day — Thursday, October 27, 2011.
I sat outside Cruz’s house with a kerosene-soaked rag hanging out of a Jack Daniel’s bottle for eighteen straight hours before I decided not to burn that mother down. I still regret not doing it. Every one of Cruz’s league-best forty homers in 2014 were off a hanging curveball in the form of my scrotum. Fuck you, Nelly..
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