My Kid Won’t Play Football Because All The Money Is On The Mound

My Kid Won't Play Football Because All The Money Is On The Mound

The bright lights were all that I remembered seeing. I didn’t notice the shadows of the circle of teammates, coaches, and trainers around me. “Do you know what field you are on?” The trainer would go on to ask me. To which I replied with some answer that was clearly not the right one. My parents in the stands knew what happened. It was all too familiar at that point. I had just suffered my fourth concussion in the span of two short years.

Concussions are a hot topic when it comes to sports these days. Do we want our kids to play such dangerous sports that can cause head trauma? Do I regret playing football? Absolutely not. Do I regret the occasional migraines that come with the effects of my concussions? Absolutely. Do I want my future son to play football? Absolutely not. Hear me out, though. I have a very sound reason.

Let me start off by saying that I don’t care if he plays football. I’m not worried about concussions or the like. I just want him playing baseball. I want my son to follow the path I was supposed to follow. His old man had a gun on his arm, but had the accuracy of Michael J. Fox with a gun. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was hitting 90 on the gun and batters in the head. While my accuracy issues couldn’t be fixed, the velocity was there throughout college when I played club ball. So I know my son is going to be granted with some nice baseball genes. His mother was a dancer too, so he’s bound to have some strong legs.

So why do I want him playing baseball and not football? The money, of course. I’m not going to beat around the bush. I want the kid to have a shot at guaranteed millions. He gets cut? No problem, he’s still getting paaaaaiiiid and dad is still going to be getting season tickets wherever he lands after. He doesn’t even have to be a starter in the bigs to make it big either. Hell, if I were him, I’d be happy being the situational bullpen guy who pitches once or twice a week for an inning of work, makes millions, and gets to chase the hottest tail in America.

Let’s take a look at some of the lifetime earnings of some middle relievers (numbers via Baseball Reference):

LaTroy Hawkins: $47,462,500
Jeremy Affeldt: $42,063,00
Arthur Rhodes: $38,919,000
Scott Downs: $30,930,000
Brandon League: $30,193,800

Not all of them were even that great. Maybe he even wants to be a closer and make even more money. If he has his dad’s mentality on the mound, he’ll be a perfect candidate to be the crazy sumbitch that enjoys the pressure of closing a game out. Just hope he hammers out those accuracy issues I had.

Is this a little selfish of me? Sure is, but I am the one that has to deal with him (and pay for him) for 18 years so it kind of evens out in the end. I just want him to follow the money train that is professional baseball. Unless he’s rocking the arm of a golden QB — then I might be swayed.

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The Therapist

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