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Mailbag: A Porn-Obsessed Boyfriend, The Breakup Text, And Approaching Someone At The Gym

Mailbag

Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.

Hey Dillon,

I keep finding myself in the same position with guys: I’ll go on one or two dates with someone and find that I’m not interested in pursuing it any further. The problem is that I tend to be very social and conversational on dates (as I am in all aspects of my life) so these guys mistake my engagement for actual interest. That makes it a lot harder for me to let them down and tell them I’m not interested. I’ve tried every way I can think of: being kind but honest, ghosting, and various combinations of the two. I prefer when people are up front and honest with me when they aren’t interested, but it seems like when I’m honest I get nasty responses back from guys calling me a bitch or crazy. So my question is am I doing the right thing by being honest or should I find some other way to let these guys down easy?

Here is an example of what I’m talking about… Went on a date last night that was supposed to be just drinks (so I ate beforehand) but the guy decided he was hungry and proceeded to order a steak while I just had two cocktails. I wasn’t interested but he bullied me into scheduling a second date. I tried to let him down easy today and he proceeded to attempt to overcharge me for my portion of the tab and then badger me about my decision.

Screen Shot 2017-10-17 at 11.37.53 AM

This guy suuuuuuuucks. You did the proper thing. You A) were honest with him, B) were nice about it, and C) for some reason you offered to pay him back for your drinks. A and B were the right call, so keep doing that. You went above and beyond with C, though. It’s more than enough and very appreciated by people who don’t suck when you’re straightforward like you were. But he just sucks.

Ordering a steak dinner when the agreement beforehand was just drinks? Psycho move. I can see one of you getting hungry and ordering an app just to get you through the date, or a mutual decision to order a entrees, but a solo STEAK? What is wrong with this dude?

“I think it’s kind of silly to determine something like that after 1 date.”

Actually, pal, the first date is solely to see if a second date is on the table. It’s a feeler date, and she wasn’t feeling you.

P.S. Don’t ghost. Ghosting is for cowards.

Dill,

Long time reader, first time writer here. Love the Column. Regarding my question, I guess I’m in search of words of wisdom and encouragement rather than advice (as well as any from the loyal readers of PGP), but here goes: Ive got a problem…my genes decided to take a dump on my life and I got hit with some male pattern baldness. Not just thinning, but to the point I decided to just buzz it all off. I didn’t go Mr. Clean, but I took a close guard and shaved it down. Though it doesn’t look terrible, my confidence with women is #shook now to say the least. Since I realize you have a pretty luscious flow and isn’t something you deal with, just curious if you have any fiends with a similar issue and if they’re fairing ok with the ladies and if they eventually got over that initial feeling of “well guess this is who I am now.” Without sounding too arrogant, I’m an otherwise attractive guy, have a solid beard, and I don’t dress like shit. So, what now?

Thanks!

P.s. I refuse to get a hair transplant

I don’t have much to offer you here but I’m sure some of our readers will. I think the play is to fully embrace it to the point that it becomes part of your persona. Once you fully embrace it, and own it like you were born to be the likable bald guy, you’ll start to wear that bald head with pride. The confidence will follow.

By the way, having thicc hair isn’t all that great. Hate on me for saying it if you must, but it tends to grow outward instead of down. It’s coarse and it gets poofy and shit and it’s hard to manage as it lengthens. Just offering that up. Obviously I’d take it over balding, but you know.

Dillon,

Sup breh. Writing to you today because I feel like this is a common occurrence. If it’s not, well fuck me, right?

So, I was in a relationship for two years that is now over. Thus, I’m single for the first time in two years and really for the first time in my post-graduate life. Last time I was hitting on girls I was 8 drinks deep at a bar with sexually themed shot names (shouts to Buckshots). My game, while I haven’t necessarily tried to put it to use as the breakup is pretty recent, has deteriorated if not solely for the fact that I’m too in my head about what to do or say when trying to woo a lady.

So there’s this girl at the gym I go to who’s pretty cute that I’d like to pursue, but I don’t want to be THAT guy who’s hitting on chicks at the gym. I’ve seen that guy before, that’s not me. But at the same time, we have each caught each other sneaking looks. We’ve also both (I think) purposely chosen equipment near each other on a couple occasions (smallish gym though so could be coincidence).

The gym’s demographic skews older, so it’s not like there’s a bunch of meathead fuccbois hitting on her between every set. Again, smaller gym, so if I shoot my shot and it goes terribly, I will undoubtedly see her awkwardly in the coming months. What if she’s not even single? Damn. Suppose I could just find a new gym but they have these tight chilled towels with eucalyptus scent on them which I don’t necessarily want to part with. She and I also have headphones in, almost always, which adds another barrier to entry (no pun intended).

What’s the move here? Confront the awkwardness of the whole thing and play it off as a joke? “Hey, totally that dude in the gym trying to pickup girls but…” Just be blunt? “Are you sneaking looks at me?”

Guidance requested.

Thanks,

Joe in LA/Former Intern Joe

I’m on record stating the gym is one of the hardest (worst?) places to meet people — the headphones thing, she isn’t dressed her best, thus feeling temporarily introverted, plus you’re sober, etc. I have also shared that, as far as having game goes, or the ability to approach a stranger to start up a conversation, I’m not good at it. I wasn’t wired that way.

For these reasons, I am very under-qualified to answer this question. I will say, however, there’s no shame in shooting your shot only to throw up a brick. If she turns you down, big deal. It shouldn’t make for an awkward gym experience next time you see her there. It might, I guess, but it shouldn’t.

Someone once told me (and she’s going to be reading this) that she tried to plan her exit at the same time as mine so we’d “happen to” meet in the lobby area/entrance. That could be a more comfortable time to say hello and strike up a conversation since it’s a more natural encounter.

Eucalyptus scented towels? Must be nice.

Hey Dillon,

Recently my girlfriend has been pretty stressed lately so she decided she needed a stress animal or whatever and went out and got a dog. Now I consider myself a dog person but this thing is a shitrat. Tiny, 6 pound Chihuahua. Not a real dog in my opinion so I’ve expressed my feelings about it and my girlfriend has been painting me as the devil for it even though it growls and barks at me and pisses all over my stuff. I really like her and want to make things work but this dog seems to be driving a wedge between us. Just looking for a third party opinion on some options.

Regards,

EZ

I try so hard to understand the appeal of tiny, yapping dogs that always seem to be on edge, but I simply can’t. Some of them are chill, however. SOME. So on that front, I feel you. I really do.

They’re a package deal, though. You can’t ask someone to give up their dog for you unless you’re a soulless monster, so don’t even consider doing that. If you truly “really like her and want to make things work” then you’ll have to find a way to tolerate the dog. If the dog is too much for you and you move on because of it, you never really liked her enough to begin with.

Hey Dillon –

This seems to be a pretty common topic these days, and PGP seems rife with dudes, so maybe might get some interesting comments. My boyfriend is a consultant that travels 4/7 days a week. On weekends the sex is awesome, rough, a little porn-y. So I learn that he also watches porn every day that he’s gone, which I didn’t mind at first, actually thought it was kind of hot?

And I noticed that the porn-iness of our sex has been escalating, and he started following local “bottle girls” that we’ve seen out at the clubs on Instagram. I saw him texting an ex (who’s unfortunately still in the outskirts of our friend group) and told him if he wanted to meet up for coffee with her, just to tell me. He said he hasn’t, but now the texts are deleted… So, to you, and to any/all guys… Am I just being paranoid about the porn? If I’m not, how do I confront this without sounding like a typical jealous girlfriend? Was considering moving into his building so feels important to know LOL.

-The “Chill” Girlfriend

You seem to think his being into porn is somehow related to following hot girls on Instagram and texting with an ex. I don’t really follow, I guess.

I don’t know if you should be paranoid about the porn because I don’t know if you’re into the escalated “porn-iness” of the sex you’re having. If you’re into it, go with it? If you’re not, you should probably tell him to chill out with the porn fantasies, or at least dial it back.

The bigger issue here is deleting a text convo with an ex if it’s supposed to be harmless. That’s Sketch City. Could be harmless, of course, so don’t go jumping to conclusions and telling him Dillon from PGP sent you. Just be wary, and maybe ask him why he’d have to do that.

I don’t feel like I adequately answered your question but at the same time I didn’t really understand it.

___

The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Dillon graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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