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I’m a huge fan of baby pictures popping up on my timeline. I appreciate it more when the kid is cute, I scroll a little faster over the ugly ones, but I still enjoy the experience as a whole. I haven’t created any offspring of my own yet, and admiring babies from afar on Instagram is a good gateway drug toward motherhood. I don’t have to deal with the aftermath of your toddler scribbling in crayon on the walls, a photo of which you posted on Facebook with some sort of positive, “h well, this is parenthood, right?” message. The rest of us know you were screaming at your kid and possibly smacking them with a broom. Hey, no judgment from me. Kids can be nothing but pure terrorists, and double-clicking photos of them behind the safety of a screen is just fine with me for the time being.
For the most part, the photos posted online of my friends’ babies are of them cutely dressed in tiny rompers and lying on a neatly made bedspread. I know perfectly well that the rest of the room not included in the photo is a complete wreck. It’s a nice little illusion, nonetheless. I laugh out loud at the videos of babies rolling over, and I don’t at all mind when a baby-in-the-bath photo pops up on my feed. Usually it’s tastefully done, but the other day I had a minor heart attack when, well, it wasn’t. Let’s break it down.
I don’t care if you want to post naked pictures, within reason, of your baby online. I get it, she was pretending to mow the lawn in your backyard and she happened to not have a diaper on. Baby butt cheeks are cute. That’s no crime (it isn’t, right?) But your baby will grow up, and once that starts to happen, those photos get less cute and a little more child porn-y. I understand that to you they’ll always be little, but when your kid is using complete sentences you gotta stop with the naked pictures. I was the unfortunate witness of a former friend of mine’s six-year-old son’s ball sack the other day, and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same. Your kid can read, for Christ’s sake. Please do not post photos online where I can see his literal balls.
It was the most horrific moment of my life. I had to scroll back over it just to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was. That moment was even worse when it was confirmed that, yep, those are testicles. By all means, keep the photos and videos of your kids doing funny shit or being cute on Instagram, but please God don’t post their genitalia on there when it’s clear they’re too old for that. He or she might still be your little baby boo bear num nums or whatever idiotic nickname you’ve given this poor child, but to the rest of the world they’re a naked kid online, and that’s disturbing on several levels.
I truly wish this didn’t need to be said, but if there’s anything social media has taught the world, it’s that not one of us has any sort of good judgment skills about what goes online and what doesn’t. Does it seem pretty obvious to me that the world doesn’t need to see totally bare-assed photos on Facebook? Sure, but to some of you, a reminder needs to be thrown out there. Keep posting the photos we love of your kid. Just think twice before publishing the ones that are better suited as a potential humiliating slide in a bachelor/bachelorette slideshow in twenty years. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Rory Gilmore
Rory Gilmore on the outside. Emily Gilmore on the inside. Email me funny shit at rory_gilmore20@yahoo.com.
@rory_gilmore20
When we went for the “find out the gender” ultrasound and the tech highlighted with the John Madden teleprompter pen and blurted “there’s the labia” I vowed to make it my life’s work that said labia never appeared on a screen again.
Hundred bucks says that kid pulls his pants down all the way to pee at school
How else do you pee?
I use the stall and get completely naked. Makrs eearing business professional attire every day a real pain in the ol’ keister
Makes wearing** damn
The spelling really wasn’t the issue, man.
Man is the only mammal that uses the restroom with their pants on.
I don’t see any reason for there to be naked pictures of your kids online at any age. Keep them in your actual family albums
Better yet, just take photos of your children with some form of clothing. Or if they’re naked (i.e. bathtime), only photos of them from the waist upward.
People forget there are way too many creeps with internet access
if the kid was a baby it wouldn’t be a big deal, but 6? that’s just inappropriate.
What kind of parent lets a kindergarten walk around the house naked? I would have been beaten with a belt years before they if I pulled that stunt. Big ups on the kid though for not giving a fuck who sees em.
Kids a walking power move. Probably walks into church and shakes the preachers hand in his birthday suit
I hope he’s not Catholic
So funny story (sort of.) I was in charge of doing the pictures for my twin brothers’ graduation party last June. My mom slid a picture in she thought was really cute. So having to scan over 100 photos I didn’t really look at them closely. Party day arrives and I put the slides up on the TV or whatever and the bath picture comes up. I was probably 6 years old in the tub and my brothers were in the back (why my mother thought this was a good idea at any point disturbs me, but that’s what mothers do I guess?) We were all just mingling and sitting at tables chatting when one of my mom’s wild friends yells out “oh my God look at his wiener!”
So the room of about 50 people, including my then girlfriend’s parents and 24 year old brother turn around in silence as everyone gazes at the screen to peep my juvenile member. This was one of the oddest most embarrassing points of my life, and I had no way out of this one. What’s even worse is that same friend asked to “go back” once the picture changed.
Tl;dr: Everyone at my brother’s graduation party saw my 6 year old dick.
Ugh- or when they post 5 shitty ass photos of the kid in basically the same position. Only the photos are varying in graininess, fuzzyness, and bad lighting. Just staaaahp.
I bet this child was breast fed til age 5
I have a former work colleague whose wife posts naked pics of their kids. They are like 5 and it’s got to the point where I had to block her. No need for that ever.
Or better yet, just don’t post pictures of your kid on social media. We follow you, not your damn kid.