Justin Bieber Is A Better Person Than You

Justin Bieber Is A Better Person Than You

At 19 years old, if I had the money and anywhere near the level of fame that Justin Bieber has, there’s no doubt in my mind that I would’ve died.

I’m not saying Bieber isn’t a little shit. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s actively aspiring to become the biggest douchebag in the history of the human race, and anyone that argues otherwise is a Belieber in denial. What I am saying, however, is that most people are inherently shitty, and given that level of fortune and fame as a teenager, would be at least as annoying as he is.

The kid has roughly $150 million to his name, and there are literally hundreds of thousands of brainwashed girls that would murder both their parents just to lick one of his tiny, hairless nipples. I could get into some serious trouble with $50 when I was his age. In fact, if you handed me $50, I almost definitely would’ve spent it getting high as shit, eating junk and watching rubbish. If you gave me $150 million, I would’ve burned my entire neighborhood to the fucking ground. They would’ve had to call in the National Guard to take me down. I would’ve made The Wolf of Wall Street look like a toddler’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

So Bieber got caught “drag racing” a Lamborghini at an astounding 55 mph under the influence of booze, weed, and pills, egged his neighbor’s house, might be addicted to cough syrup, and looks like a little lesbian. Big deal. Considering the circumstances, he really hasn’t done anything all that bad. Maybe it’s time to put yourself in Bieber’s ridiculous space boots and think about how obnoxious the 19-year-old version of you would be with $150,000,000 and an endless sea of adoring fans that think you’re God.

I did.

Below is a mugshot of 19-year-old me next to Bieber’s mugshot from today, and then a list of what that I would do with Justin Bieber’s money and fame if I was 19 years old right now.


  1. Build a perfect replica of the Red Keep in King’s Landing from Game of Thrones, which I would live in with an army of female servants.
  2. Invite every Victoria’s Secret model over for a party at which I would be the only male attendee, the only beverage provided would be Louis XIII, and the only food provided would be Columbian nose candy.
  3. Get “THUG LIFE” tattooed across my stomach like 2Pac.
  4. Buy a 200-foot yacht and name it “WOOORLDSTAAAR.”
  5. Instagram every single purchase I ever made with the hashtag #MadRichAlert.
  6. Hire a guy to follow me everywhere with a boom box blaring “Push It To The Limit.”
  7. Pay for everything with hundred dollar bills, even fast food meals, and say, “Keep the change, you filthy animal,” after every transaction.
  8. Wait for the neighbor I don’t like to go on vacation, and then fill his swimming pool to the brim with my human poo that I’d been paying someone to save in a giant tank for 6 months.
  9. Show up to the MTV Video Music Awards butt ass naked, high on laughing gas, with a gaggle of rap music video vixens.
  10. Yell, “DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE!” at every single person that looked at my face.
  11. Buy a new Bugatti, then have it gutted and turned into a bed so I could literally wake up inside a new Bugatti every morning.
  12. Play a $1,000,000 game of “Chutes and Ladders” against Floyd Mayweather Jr.
  13. Buy a tiger, feed it LSD, and let it loose in my neighborhood.
  14. Wear a bulletproof vest everywhere like 50 Cent.
  15. Open a strip club with Johnny Manziel.
  16. Hire Kanye and Jay Z to perform “Watch The Throne” in its entirety along with their individual greatest hits at my birthday party.
  17. Honk at homeless people in my Lambo, ask, “You need a ride?” and then yell “SIKE!” and peel out.
  18. Buy a pet orangutan, dress it in a tuxedo and name it Mr. Banks.
  19. Have a slide going from my bedroom window to the swimming pool filled with Dom Perignon and topless models in my backyard.

Climb off your high horse and admit it. You too would be worse than Bieber if you had his life. Ipso facto, Justin Bieber is a better person than you.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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