I’m The Worst Boyfriend Ever Based On ‘The 38 Things A Good Boyfriend Will Do Without Being Asked’

I'm The Worst Boyfriend Ever Based On 'The 38 Things A Good Boyfriend Will Do Without Being Asked'

On Instagram, every couple looks *happy* because if you’re not using social media to make everyone think that you have it completely together (even though you don’t), you’re doing it wrong. But deep down, every couple has their bad habits. She leaves the cap off the toothpaste. He leaves the oven on. She takes too long to get ready. He has no idea what the difference between “drapes” and “curtains” are. But despite both of your shortcomings, you can still probably consider your boyfriend or girlfriend to be considered “good.”

Well, unless you read the list “A Good Boyfriend Will Do These 38 Things Without Being Asked” and suddenly have a wave of anxiety that you’re the worst boyfriend on the face of God’s green earth. Let’s explore, one by one.

* * *

A Good Boyfriend Will Do These 38 Things Without Being Asked

1. Wait until you get home to eat, so you can have dinner together.

This is insinuating that I’d cook and/or pick-up dinner every night which I’d be fine doing. But I’m pretttttty pretty sure my girlfriend would get tired of eating grilled cheese and steak with no vegetables night after night no matter how much I’d be okay with it.

2. Make the bed when he gets up after you do.

If you make your bed every. single. day, you’re a psycho.

3. Delete his ex’s number from his phone, out of respect for you and your relationship.

This pretty much screams, “I’m insecure about my boyfriend’s feelings.” When you’re peering down at his phone and a random number pops up, that’s going to lead to the “Who is that?” conversation ten times out of ten. Wouldn’t you rather date a guy who can maintain a good relationship after the fact?

4. Compliment you on your new haircut, because he actually noticed the change.

Short of my girlfriend shaving her head like Eleven on Stranger Things, I’m probably never going to notice when she knocks a few inches off.

5. Take you out for a nice dinner during special occasions (or for no occasion at all).

I, along with the rest of our generation, make peanuts. Special occasions? Yeah, call the maître d’ and let’s order the cheapest bottle on the wine list. Random Tuesday, though? Not going bankrupt just to mix things up.

6. Hand you his jacket when you’re shivering.

But. you’re. always. cold.

7. Go down on you.

Shame on you. My mother reads this site.

8. Do the dishes when they’re piled up in the sink.

If you’re not doing your dishes as you’re using them, you’re the scum of the earth. Taking five seconds to rinse a plate and put it in the dishwasher saves your kitchen from smelling like sewage, and it doesn’t matter the sex of who does it.

9. Wait until you get home to watch the latest episode of Shameless, because he’d rather watch it together.

I don’t wait to watch the latest episodes of our “shows” together because I’d rather watch it together. I wait because I fear for my life if I get one episode ahead on a Netflix series.

10. Text you to make sure you got home safe.

Why are we not Uber’ing home together in an attempt to have a sloppy hook-up that will never come to fruition because we’re both full from the burgers we picked up on the way?

11. Offer to drive whenever you go out on dates.

My dates don’t want me to be sober. I’ll just be sitting on the other side of the table with a Grumpy Cat-looking face judging you for having red wine on your lips and/or teeth.

12. Send you good morning and good night texts.

I… I just… I just don’t want to text that much.

13. Put the seat down after peeing.

Who actually misses the seat after their turn, I don’t know, 9 years old? My stream is like a well-trained sniper. Unless it’s post-bedroom like My, Myself, & Irene.

14. Make you breakfast on a random day, just because he loves you.

“Hey babe, I’m makin’ eggs. You want in on this or am I footing the bill for a 12-dollar smoothie again?” [See #32]

15. Pick up tampons when your last box runs out.

Am I supposed to rustle through the bathroom and keep a running inventory of tampons? Why doesn’t someone just start a Dollar Tampon Club that sends tampons to the house monthly?

Wait, forget I said that. Low-key best idea I’ve ever had.

16. Make you dinner (or at least pick up Chinese) when he knows you’re not in the mood to cook.

So I have to wait for her to get home to eat AND pick up/cook when she’s not in the mood to cook either? I don’t know, this just feels like a two-way street big enough for the both of us.

17. Wash his beard trimmings out of the sink.

Washing beard trimmings completely out of the sink is harder than getting an armpit hair off a bar of soap. I’d need a sanitation team to come in and inspect for a day before I could fully say that everything is cleared out.

18. Hold your hand whenever you go out in public together.

If I’m holding her hand, how am I supposed to drop fire in the group text? Besides, this would end with, “Why are you touching me?” almost ever time.

19. Put on the show he knows you secretly want to watch.

This is reasonable. Not because I’m trying to be nice. But because I’ll probably just be checkin’ my noties most of the time anyway.

20. Take candid pictures of you, because he wants as many as he can fit in his phone.

Well, yeah, I don’t want my girlfriend to have a shitty Instagram game. You’re only as strong as your weakest link so if your other half isn’t crushing likes, it’s embarrassing for both of you.

21. Buy presents for your parents on their birthdays.

How To Come Off As A Try-Hard Boyfriend 101.

22. Tell you all about his day, before you even have the opportunity to ask.

“Do you hate your job?” she’ll ask. “Because you’re always complaining about it.”

23. Share his blanket with you.

Blankets are a dog-eat-dog world, much like sharing a comforter, side of the bed, or pizza. Everyone be vyin’ for that last slice.

24. Ask you about your day every single day.

“Do you hate your job?” I’ll ask. “Because you’re always complaining about it.”

25. Cuddle with you before you fall asleep.

If you do cuddle for more than 8 consecutive minutes, you’re either dead or okay with waking up in a pool of sweat.

26. Help you walk when you’re stumbling around after having a few too many drinks.

I don’t know, but this seems obvious? Even the shittiest of boyfriends isn’t going to leave you in an alley after a wine tasting flight.

“Where’d you go last night?”

“Oh, once you started getting those drunk eyes, I peaced out so I wouldn’t have to deal with you.”

“Lol, you’re the best. I totally get it.”

Best case scenario is hearing the phrase, “No, you stay out. I’ll get an Uber home.”

27. Wear the shirt you bought him when he goes to work.

*surveys what’s clean*

Ah, yes, the shirt she bought me. Yahtzee.

28. Buy you the best birthday gift (and actually remember your birthday without having to be reminded twenty times).

If you want me to buy you “the best” birthday gift, make a Pinterest board labeled “best birthday gifts” that I can secretly reference. Again, two-way street, people.

29. Compliment you on your outfit as soon as you walk through the door.

That’s just not in the run of play between being asked, “Do you like this tucked in, half-tucked, or left out?” and “Does this make me look fat?” If I’m telling you that I like one outfit more than another, you’re going to go with the other outfit because I’m just a guy looking at a girl who’s looking at a guy wearing a pullover he’s had since college.

30. Turn down his friend’s invitation out, because he already made plans with you.

Girl’s night. Ever heard of it?

31. Give you a massage when you complain about your back being sore.

Massages make my hands tired after about 30 seconds of kneading. Even a little bit of a massage isn’t going to be enough, and if I leave you wanting more, you’re going to get pissed.

32. Offer to pay for your dates.

What do I look like ova’ here? Daddy Warbucks? Everyone knows you start splitting after six months in an effort to reduce the resentment that begins to fester.

33. Make your relationship “Facebook official.”

No one uses Facebook, and everyone knows that becoming “Facebook official” is the kiss of death in any struggling relationship. Sure, update your last name when you’re married. But to say you’re dating someone? Be more annoyingly public for me.

34. Let you cry into his chest after you’ve had a rough day.

Well, that shirt you bought for me that I wore to work today is ruined because now there’s mascara all over it. It looks like I just consoled Jared Leto after Suicide Squad stopped filming.

35. Keep himself well-groomed below the belt.

If you thought the beard trimmings were bad…

36. Bring home a doggy bag full of food when he goes out for dinner without you.

So you’re telling me that asking for the rest of what you don’t finish is inappropriate? Because that chicky-chicky parm-parm isn’t going to taste as good when it’s reheated in our dirty microwave.

37. Remind you he loves you every chance that he gets.

“Stop telling me you love me so much,” she says, “it’s weird.”

38. Ask you to move in with him. Or to marry him.

I can barely afford to spend three month’s rent on those random Tuesday night dinners you requested let alone an engagement ring. But even taking out a loan to buy a ring sounds better than making the fucking bed every day.

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Editor at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram).

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