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In all of my 24 years on this planet, I thought Jury Duty was a myth. “It could never happen to me,” I always thought to myself. I had never known anybody to serve on a jury. Sure, my dad told me some horror stories about when he served on it back in the 90s, and my brother was somehow able to dodge it twice, but as far as I knew, it was just some mythical, arduous task that everyone put off for later until it went away. Like cleaning the bathroom or reading Terms and Conditions.
And then, it happened. Upon my return from Denver, I was greeted with a letter from the Cook County Jury Administration. I figured it would be one of two things: either I was being summoned to appear in front of court for a totally nonviolent crime that I can definitely explain, or I was being called up to the big leagues.
It was the big leagues. That was the day I finally got my card pulled. My flower blossomed. My probe landed on Venus. The day I took of the training wheels and rode into town. They took my key and put it in the ignition. They offered the honor, and I am going to honor the offer.
Is that too sexual for Jury Duty? Honestly, I don’t think it’s sexual enough. Y’all, ya boy is getting his first shot to dish out some of that sweet, sweet justice onto the evil doers of a neighborhood on the outskirts of Chicago that I honestly forgot the name of. I know what you’re probably thinking. “Charlie, how much experience do you have with the law that would make you such a good juror?” My answer? Little to none. You could tell me that it’s legal to murder someone in the state of Montana as long as they’ve intruded on your property no less than 3 times.
But that’s what would make me the best juror. I’m not going to rely on my legal knowledge—or lack thereof—to help decide whether or not the defendant (that’s the person on trial, right?) is guilty. I’ll be using my moral compass and objective reasoning to make my decision.
“Yeah, whatever Charlie. That’s what everyone says.”
Maybe. However, in my case, I’ve been doing research. I’ve watched countless true crime docu-series that have helped me identify areas where most jurors fail. I’m talking The Confession Tapes. I’m talking Making A Murderer. I’m even talking that weird ass HBO Slenderman documentary and some of that Laci Peterson series that A&E had on for a while. And baby, I’m just getting started.
So far, I’ve learned that one of the key components of being a great juror is to stay away from any media about the case. This goes for before, during, and after the case. If you know too much about the case beforehand, you might not get put on the jury—and if you do get put on the jury, you could let the media’s framing of the case impact your decision. If you talk to the media during the case, that’s cause for dismissal. Ain’t about that shit.
But the key here is not to talk to the media afterward. This doubles for both news media and the documentary crew 10 years down the road trying to “find the truth.” Unless you are 100% objective (which is a really hard thing to be), there’s always going to be a chance that whatever you say about the case will be misinterpreted and you’ll look like an idiot.
Think I’m kidding? Go back and watch any interviews with the jurors for any of the cases I listed off. The only ones that don’t sound like complete fucking morons are the ones that help prove the documentarian’s point. The absolute last thing that I want to happen is to be looked at like an idiot for appearing in a documentary and expressing my opinion on whether or not someone was guilty.
Sure, there are other reasons to be stoked about Jury Duty. I get the day off work and the court system told me to bring change for vending machines. That means I get a day off work eating junk food. Count. Me. In.
I think the over-arching theme here is that I just really hope I get a high profile case. Something controversial, that can go one way or another and it’s up to the jury to decide. Some people may shy away from those cases because they’re afraid they might get death threats. Not me. It’s my duty to jur the shit out of these motherfuckers, and I will not let justice down..
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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jury duty kicks ass. I actually went down last week. I read a book, took a two hour government lunch and ate some sushi, then walked around the harbor, went back to the courthouse and took a nap until they let us go.
all in all, not too much different than my normal day at work.
Plus I got paid like $27/day or something to go to jury duty on top of my normal salary. Three days of showing up, reading/surfing the internet, and being out by 2PM was awesome. I was sad when they dismissed me, I’m a big Law and Order nerd and would’ve loved to see a case.
Definitely thought this was gonna be a spam comment about how you can quit your job and make millions from home
Apparently the spam filter agrees, keeps grabbing my posts that reference twenty seven bucks.
Jury Duty was one of the coolest things I’ve done as a citizen of these United States. I was the Jury Foreman on a two-defendant attempted murder/aggravated burglary case. The prosecution couldn’t prove their case, and honestly, the defense’s timeline of events seemed to be backed up with more fact. We acquitted one defendant of all charges and the other of all but a minor charge (reckless endangerment). Our jury was truly a cross-section of the community, and I think we all would agree that we set aside our differences and any pre-conceived biases to come to a true and just verdict. Getting to read a verdict aloud to the court and provide unbiased justice was an honor, and I’d take the opportunity to do it again in a heartbeat.
I had a domestic abuse case. Both husband and wife and wife’s adult daughter were drunk so we had no credible witnesses or timelines. Dude definitely hit his wife but we couldn’t find him guilty
Jury duty is lit. Not only is it amazing people watching, you can also get a great story out of it if you get selected for a trial. #FreeMondo
Yo Mondo’s my cousin #FreeMondo
He did nothing wrong, just shot a drug dealer named Drama who shorted him, even though he was out looking to shoot Gorilla. #FreeMyMans
Please God, if it’s a civil trial, do not “dish out some of that sweet, sweet justice” to any of my corporate clients, who all truly want to make the world a better place with their products and are not motivated primarily by profit whatsoever. Have a heart for big corporations, Charlie.
Name checks out
They’re people!
My dad’s a former probation officer and said when he got called in for jury duty he crossed his arms and stared at the accused the entire time and when the lawyer asked if he has any biases he said “as a probation officer generally when it’s reached this stage the guy’s guilty.” First juror dismissed by the defense lawyer.
Former jury foreman here, and you’ll do just fine.
You honestly probably don’t want a high profile case. They take forever (weeks and weeks) and if your job is project-based and there’s no one else to do it for you, it’s going to suck making that up.
Not to mention you can’t get on social media nor can you really watch the news during that time. If it was me, I would just say something racist during the voir dire and be on your way.
And your company doesn’t necessarily have to pay you if you don’t have PTO to use during that time.
Not quite true if you’re exempt because if you work any part of that week, you have to be paid in full. Sucks if you’re hourly though, but that’s a reasonable excuse to get out of it.
Even if you’re exempt and get a “big case,” if you can’t make it in for two weeks, that’s a whole paycheck they aren’t required to give you.
If you do get selected for the jury, it would be awesome for you to write about the non-confidential parts of the trial. I never did jury duty before I became a lawyer, so I’m always curious to hear about people’s experiences and learn where I could improve my trial advocacy skills.
As a law student, who is is interested in being a trial lawyer, I 100% concur.
I second this. I was called for jury duty the week before the bar, got it rescheduled for the month after, then my group was dismissed the day before. Was actually pretty bummed
Just say “not guilty” we need to keep this excitement/insane asylum train going. Plus that’s one less person we have to foot the bill for in the private profit prison industry
“A totally nonviolent crime that I can definitely explain…. hey, are you guys on Myspace?”