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Anybody have tattoos? Have no fear, I’m not going to mock or degrade your decisions. I think tattoos are actually pretty cool. I wish I could rock one, but I don’t think I’m tough enough.
I’m pretty much the opposite of tough. When I lived in Chicago I was mugged twice in one winter. I would say I don’t know what it is about me, but I totally know what it is about me. Homeless people would see me walking by and probably thought, “Hey, is that Peyton Manning on a hunger strike? Let’s get him. I want me some of that Papa John’s money.”
If you do have a tattoo, I’m not going to ask you about it. I learned this the hard way after going on a few dates with a girl who had a lot of tattoos.
On our first date, the first tattoo I noticed was of a goldfish on her foot, swimming in some seaweed. So I asked her, “Oh that’s cool, what’s that supposed to represent?” So she told me, “Oh nothing, I just love goldfish.” That’s weird, I love The Departed. It’s actually my favorite movie. I don’t love it so much though that I’m going to have Leo, Jack and Matt’s faces staring up at me while I shower. Actually, on second thought…
A couple dates later, things with this girl had progressed and we were in the bedroom. Our clothes were coming off for the first time and the second tattoo I noticed was of flames shooting down her right side from her armpit to her hip.
So I asked her, “Oh, what does that represent? Were you struck by lightning?”
Her response? “No, I just thought it looked cool.”
There was nothing cool about this tattoo at all. The least cool thing being whoever put it on her put it on crooked, so it slanted towards her bellybutton. So when she was topless, it looked like she had one normal sized boob on the left and one smaller half boob because the ink overlapped onto her right tit. So if you stared at them straight on it looked like they were winking at you. Like they were saying, “Hey, keep up the good work, you’re almost there!”
The biggest mistake I made was asking about the tattoo on her left shoulder. This tattoo is hard to describe, but I’ll do my best. It was of a child’s drawing of two stick figures: one tall girl with long hair holding the hands of a small boy in front of a house. Your typical stick figure house: square windows, triangle roof and chimney with smoke coming out. By the way, did everybody else grow up with a fireplace and a chimney as a child? Why does every child draw houses with a roaring smokestack like they lived in a chemical plant? Were fireplaces on all day 24/7 in other parts of the country? Did I miss that somehow? We had a radiator.
Anyways, I see this tattoo and I get very serious, and after a pause I ask her quietly, “That’s so sweet, who drew that picture?” and she tells me, “My little brother.” So I then ask her the only possible question in response which is, “How did he die?”
…
….
…..
NOPE. She just likes the picture her brother drew of her!!!
Wait.
WAIT.
You’re telling me your little brother drew you a picture that you liked so much that you had it permanently inked onto your body? I have three little brothers, and their pictures never made it past the fridge. That little boy in that tattoo, he’s not terminally ill? He’s now a grown man, walking around in the world? Theoretically I could shake his hand? Does he know that his psychotic older sister has a picture he guaranteed doesn’t even remember drawing on her body? Did you escape from a mental hospital?
I guess the only reasonable thing to do in this situation is to date you for six months, introduce you to my parents and one day come to my senses and leave you crying at Best Buy.
So in conclusion, you could be tattooed from head to toe with each image representing all the wisdom your lifetime has ever bestowed onto you. But yeah, I’m not going to ask you about your tattoos..
I have an exciting announcement to share! Today marks the launch of the inaugural episode of Don’t Take It From Us, a podcast hosted by Jenna Crowley and I that will focus on dating, sex and relationships. Each week, we’ll tackle major relationships news in the headlines as well as share personal anecdotes and answer reader submitted questions. We’ll even be joined by some of your favorite PGP writers and personalities! Our tagline is “Relationship Advice from the World’s Worst Authorities” – we don’t claim to be experts in any way shape or form and we want this pod to be just as much fun for you as it is for us. New episodes will be dropping every Wednesday AM. Please give the first episode a listen below and let us know what you think! I love you…
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I bet you guys $20 that Will Defries has either an infinity symbol with love written in it, or birds that turn into leaves inked somewhere on his body.
It’s the letter beta, lower back of course
He’s definitely “tramp stamped”.
List of the three girls he has hooked up with, first, middle and last name and nickname
I doubt he has that many different names for his hand
How dare you assume their gender!
What’s your Venmo? I’ll send you a request for $20.
You’re wanting the $20 for the one you don’t have, right? Common, tell us, do you already have the infinity or the birds?
I attempted to get the state of Michigan tattooed on me one drunk New Year’s morning in Michigan, but the parlor was closed for the day.
There’s some joke about a sock having a tattoo of a mitten, but it’s just not striking me right now.
That would have been my actual guess, but I have to know: would you include the UP so it looks like the mitten is giving someone a reach around, possibly Kid Rock whipping out his UP or…?
You can repay me with kindness
She must have been a dragon in the sack though…
i have a tattoo of a red and white striped peppermint on my butt. i just really like peppermints.
Sup?
Tattoos with a story or meaning are very cool. Tattoos just because seem like a waste of money to me
And a REAL story. Like “this commemorates my child/sibling/friend/fellow Marine who died tragically young”. Not a story like “my friend and I like Skittles so here is a tattoo of Skittles.”
Guy at my gym wears one sleeve shirts to show off his……
Guys like that are just as bad as the people who get pointless ones…
I knew a guy who did his own tattoos. Plot twist: they looked like shit.
That’s not a plot twist.
You’re not a plot twist.
I’ve got a few (love them) and sit at my desk almost daily trying to justify spending the money on the next two I want. I also try to figure out how I could hide them from Mama Cartographer because she not someone you want to piss off.
Just remember, no one’s funbags look better with pictures drawn on them.
So this has nothing to do with tattoos and I know I’m late to the game, but can you add me to the PGP girls group me? Or can someone add me to the general one?
Find Quinn, she can help you. I’m not in it, not my thing.
This exists? This sounds glorious I want to join in
me too!
I just got a tattoo and I’m not a tattoo guy at all. And honestly I don’t even want to be asked about it since the meaning behind it really doesn’t concern a stranger. As if I’m going to timeline some life events that are personal to someone I’ve never talked to. A friend, yeah after a while, but at the bar, no, I won’t tell you what it means.
I’m gonna tell you anyway: right shoulder. Skull and crossbones from Henry Avery’s flag, with “Memento Mori, Ad Orientem” below. All black. I look like a fucking pirate and its badass.
Your body is a temple. Do not disgrace it with markings.
Wouldn’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. Even if in my case the Ferrari is one of those crappy ones from the 70s that are ugly and slow and break down a lot.
I make the rules here. “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.” – Matt. 5:17
I tend to ask about tattoos if I know the person, but I won’t ask somebody I just met. Unless I’m drunk. So yea I guess I probably would.
Maybe there’s a cool story, maybe there isn’t. Do what you want with your body, I don’t care.
I also don’t care if people ask about mine, but most people don’t casually see me shirtless.