I’m Going To Lose This Weight, Dammit

I'm Going To Lose This Weight, Dammit

Back in the beginning of November, I wrote a piece asking “why are the last few pounds always the hardest?” and questioned how I could get over the mental hurdle and drop the last few pounds that have been looming at the end of my seemingly endless weight loss journey. What I said then – that I didn’t have a fucking clue – still holds true now. If I’m honest, not much has changed between November 2nd, 2016 and now; those last thirty pounds on still clinging to my ass as stubbornly as Kris Jenner clings to her children’s careers.

I’ve employed all of the usual excuses over the last sixteen weeks as to why the needle on the scale hasn’t moved in the right direction. It was Thanksgiving, the only holiday I actually like the food at, so obviously I overate. Then it was Christmas, and it would just be rude if I didn’t partake in all of the office goodies. Then it was January, and the winter blues could only be alleviated by pizza. And don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day. Plus I’ve been traveling a ton and it’s so hard to eat well and work out when you are on the road.

But let me call bullshit on myself – these are all cop-outs. Something I’ve discovered about myself, not just over the last few months, but during this whole “weight loss journey” (a term I hate, but an accurate one nonetheless) is that I am either all in or all out. I can’t “kind of” diet. I’m either eating low-carb/high protein 24/7, or I’m shoving nachos in my face for a week straight. I operate in grey areas in a lot of my life, but when it comes to dieting, it’s all black and white; there is no in-between with me.

So, as I sit here in mid-February, I’m committing to getting fully back on the wagon, and not getting off at rest stops. To permanently forsaking (most) carbs, embracing high protein, and actually doing cardio The goal: to get those last thirty pounds off by my birthday, which happens to be six months from today. Which means a loss of about 1.5 pounds a week – not unreasonable, but definitely a challenge. I’m in it to win it, my friends.

What’s different this time, you may be asking? Well, this time, I’m taking you fuckers on this god-forsaken journey with me. Each week, I’ll check in with a weight update like the one below, because I trust that the lovely PGP commenters will hold me accountable in a way that only anonymous people on the internet could. But more than that, I’ll write about some of the actual issues that can detail the process. And I’ll do it in real talk, not that BS you get in the health magazines I keep subscribing to in hopes one of them will finally tell me how to lose weight on a bread-and-cheese diet.

Why? Why am I subjecting myself to likely internet ridicule? Well, maybe writing about some of those bumps in the road will help me stay on track, and maybe it will even help one or two of you at the same time, which would be a great side benefit on top of finally being able to wear a strapless dress.

So join me on the journey, whether you have your own weight to lose or just want to follow along. Will I/we get there by August (or ever)? Who knows. But it’s worth a try, right? Let’s do this, bitches.

Start weight: 30 pounds to go

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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