I’d like to begin by thanking all my friends and loved ones who made my group chat career possible. From the group made up of just my brothers and I, spawned on Thanksgiving 2011 from a desire to shit talk our awkward aunt, to my fantasy football group chat, you are all very near and dear to my heart. As much as it saddens me to say this, I feel as though my time as a member of all your chats has come to an end. I’m officially retiring from all group messages, effective immediately.
The cause of my retirement is not because I don’t enjoy our chats, however. I love most of the groups I’m in. I love the messages with my high school buddies that consist of 90% sports memes. Being in a group chat with my parents saves me countless hours on the phone with each of them reminding me, for the eighth time, what the dates are for our family vacation in four months. I enjoyed the 10-hour thread of all my college friends wishing for death on the Monday after our long weekend in Vegas. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I saved all the screenshots and will probably bust them out if any of our friend group decides to run for office. I even tolerate the group messages that include friends with Androids, even though your green text bubbles make me angry every time I see them. No, my retirement has nothing to do with not enjoying group chats. The reason I’ve decided to step out of the game is simply because I can no longer handle the number of texts I’m getting.
I woke up from a nap yesterday with 68 unread texts to sort through. Sixty. Eight. This wasn’t a Rip Van Winkle nap either; I was asleep for, like, two hours. That’s just way too many texts to deal with. I don’t have the time to scroll up through the three different groups they came from and figure out what the fuck we’re talking about. I have important things to do, like write ridiculous columns for this site. And those unread messages are just the tip of the iceberg. Between my high school friends’ group, my college friends’ group, my college friends and their girlfriends’ group, my Chicago friends’ group, my family’s group, my brothers’ group, and the 10 other variety chats planning one thing or another, I’m over committed. I want to read every joke, watch every gif, and react with a “haha” on every burn, but I just can’t. I can’t stay abreast of all the texts, and it’s not fair to either of us.
I know some of you are asking yourselves why I don’t just ignore the texts and chime in when I have time. I understand that thought process, and all I have to say is that I wish I could, but that’s not me. I’m not a guy who half-asses things. I’m not a skimmer. I never read the Spark Notes. If I’m going to commit myself to a group messaging system, I’m going to commit all the way. I’m going to be there, with my fingers a-ready, fully engrossed in the conversation. If we start shit talking quarterbacks, I’m going to be ready with some memes. If embarrassing photos of one of you asleep in a strip club are posted, I want to be there for the roast. If someone is having relationship problems and is asking for advice (rare, but it happens), I’ll be ready with some encouraging words and horrible, just bafflingly bad advice.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce my retirement, and although I know it will strain my connection with some of you, I want you to know I still care. Even though you won’t see my name pop up next to a blue bubble, I’m still your friend. And if you want to see what I’m up to, look no further than Snapchat. .