If Your Sex Life Was A Successful Startup

If Your Sex Life Was A Succesful Startup

When you put the two next to each other, a successful startup and your sex life seem to run on parallel paths. The similarities between the two are almost uncanny. There are many ups and downs, good times and bad times, but ultimately, it’s all fun in the end.

The Startup

This is the time for experimenting. You’re young and full of ideas that can lead you down multiple paths. So why not throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks? In this phase, you’ll find that most of your efforts will be for naught and you’ll end your nights by purchasing a few pepperoni pizza slices at 2:30 in the morning and go to bed with Netflix. There are times when you will strike gold and end up doing the no pants dance with a stranger who you most likely won’t see after 6:15 the next morning. Eventually, by a stroke of genius, you find the perfect idea, the one that will lead you to riches. Everyone loves the idea, and you set forth on your journey.

In Need Of Funding

You’ve been focused solely on one strategy as of late, and it has led to some good times and some very dry times. Suddenly, your expenses are through the roof, but your cash flow is very limited. Yup, you’re in a full-blown relationship. You’re not sure how it happened because things were moving so fast and the times were so good that you got caught in a web. Now you’re in trouble because things aren’t flowing in and out like they should be for a person in his mid to late twenties. After much deliberation, you decide that it is best to cut your losses and search for multiple investors, so you break up and download Tinder.

VCs Have Invested

With the strong product you have to offer, a pitch that could have Mark Cuban investing, and a slew of potential investors at hand, you’re finding potential matches to be in abundance. Everyone wants in on the action. You’re having the time of your life because you are a hot commodity. You’ll find that some of your matches who were once interested will decline a second meeting or stop talking to you before you even meet. However, that doesn’t deter you because one lost is another five gained. With a strong group of seven investors who don’t plan on running the well dry any time soon, business is flying.

Ready To Go Public

During a furious hot streak, your company is ready to go public and really cash in. You’re going to need an investment bank to get you through the IPO. In what might be the most important decision in your life, you can only pick one. While out one night, you see her — your Goldman Sachs. After chatting her up and downing a few drinks, you two proceed to have the best sex of your lives. That’s when you know she’s the one to settle down with. It’s a lengthy but fun process over the next year or so. The time is right, and you decide to get married and announce it to the world.


You’ve finally done it. The proverbial knot has been tied, and you couldn’t be more pleased. Like a couple of horny jackrabbits, you two spend your wedding reception, honeymoon, and the months after having sex whenever and wherever you possibly can. Cash is flowing in, and everyone knows about how successful you are. Enjoy these times, because they surely won’t last.


Unfortunately for you, you started a social media company with no real revenue drivers and your whole valuation was based on your user base. Your stock price has been plummeting since the peak of your IPO news. You’ve gone weeks without getting any action on the market. If you’re lucky, you may see a day where your price goes up, usually in the form of quick oral play or a two-minute quickie before bed. Then, without any real warning, it happens: two red lines. A kid is on the way. Kiss your sex life goodbye for the next nine months and then some. You file for Chapter 11 after the kid is born and somehow make your company attractive to a buyer.

Selling The Company

The tolls of marriage have finally caught up with you. Your significant other has been slaving away raising the kids during the day and just doesn’t have the energy to have sex. You battle this with “late nights at the office” by going to the strip club every night, because dammit, if you’re not getting any, you’re at least going to see some person nude in the flesh. After doing this for a few months, the flame that was your marriage has all but extinguished and you both mutually accept to sell the business (get divorced). You’re a new person with a fresh look at life. You could retire with your newfound riches, but ultimately, you decide to start a new company and hop right back on Tinder.

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Harrison Lee

Harrison is a Content Manager at Grandex. When he's not working for the man, you can find him on the golf course or blowing his paycheck doubling down on red. LinkedIn profile

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