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It all started on one rainy morning. I had slept through my alarm, remembered I didn’t have any clean and pressed slacks, pretended a cup of coffee was breakfast, and noticed I had a flat tire on my ’03 Toyota Camry. It wasn’t the start I needed for a big presentation that morning. While I felt refreshed from sleeping in, I also felt hurried, anxious, and downright stressed. The meeting couldn’t have gone worse and we didn’t land the client. I was not doing business. Later that week, I decided to hit the web to see what kind of edge I could find. That’s when I found them: the Silicon Valley “Super Smart Drugs.”
Nootropics, or racetams, are what they really are. Apparently, these things are like Adderall for closers. I strived to be a closer and if I could pop one of these babies each morning and bring my company that much more business, it’s a win-win. But what I got exceeded my expectations so much more than I ever thought possible. After ordering a bottle of Piracetam, Aniracetam, and Choline, the package came 3-5 business days later and my life changed the instant I opened the box. Being the efficient, order-oriented person, I waited until the next morning to try it out.
In the morning, I popped one of each pills and headed to work a brand new man. I expected to spend the day crunching numbers, making business calls, and closing deals. Instead, what happened was ideas started popping into my head. Not just any ideas, new business ideas. I started to wonder if maybe these drugs were actually psychedelic drugs and I needed to return them. I powered through, though, and took my second dosage at around three in the afternoon to get over the second-half hump. But these ideas still kept coming, until one idea really stuck out: a mother fucking compression company.
As soon as I hit the front door of my rundown apartment, I opened up my laptop and things just started happening. I had never put together a business plan before, but all of a sudden my hands were typing faster than I had ever seen them before. Words were being put to paper. Ideas were happening. I popped another pill. Sleep could wait. My eyes were fixated on that screen. After what seemed like 30 doses, next thing I know, I’m fucking coding. Coding! I have never taking a computer science course in my life but tags were flying around; it was like I was a natural. This is when I knew I was taking some sort of magical drug. So I ordered some more and decided to take a break so I could go to my real job, only to find something frightening.
I had looked at my phone, and, to my horror, discovered that I had been working, coding, and creating this business for two months straight. My phone had thousands of unsettling texts from my boss. I was no longer employed. Nor had I had any real food outside of Sun Chips and Monsters. Where did time go? What was I supposed to do? Take more drugs, duh.
Just by taking the drugs, I now had investors banging down my door offering me millions of dollars just to be a part of my new compression company that I called PipelineDreams. I had no idea how they knew such about me, but that’s what comes with the drugs. Within months of consistently taking these drugs, I had already generated $500M in revenue and hired over 100 employees. It was all a blur, like a night out in college rolled into six months of doing business. That’s when I was approached by Microsoft to be acquired for $5B. My mother was worried these drugs were consuming my life, so I accepted the offer at her request.
I’m now living in a condo in downtown Dallas, driving a Tesla, and don’t have to worry about work. All thanks to the Smart Drugs..
Image via YouTube
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Harrison Lee
Harrison is a Content Manager at Grandex. When he's not working for the man, you can find him on the golf course or blowing his paycheck doubling down on red. LinkedIn profile
@HMontgomery_
wat
Full Disclosure: My facebook “entrepreneur” friend swears these things are the key to his company’s “success”
First of all, you never return psychedelic drugs, you booked the ticket so you take the god damn ride. I myself take Geniux, how else do you think I come up with all of these comments and terrible jokes so swiftly and precisely? Yup, that Pulitzer Prize should be mine in no time thanks to these wonderful genius drugs.
I’m just gonna assume that you’ve been binging on Limitless for the past 3 nights while torching down some weapons grade ‘dro
assuming the drugs were working properly- he was probably coding, while dual screening Sillicone Valley and Limitless in three different languages.
Drinks on Harrison this friday. See you at happiest hour.
I have no idea what just happened, but it was a hell of a lot more exciting than my desk job. I want in
If I sold my company for $5 billi I would get the hell out of Dallas and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Tesla.
People who drive Tesla’s are the worst. They’re so proud of themselves for “saving the environment” until you tell them that 2/3 of the country’s electricity comes from burning coal and natural gas. That usually wipes that smug look off their face.
Can’t forget nuclear, it’s sadly funny how they put Diablo Canyon Plant on an active fault line in California. Don’t worry, once the Koch Brothers and the oil barons start to realize that their precious little world is going to destroyed, they’ll hop on over to alternative energy sources like solar and wind and hydro power and then continue o monopolize that. Once we get fusion off the ground, we’ll be able to explore planets and leave these sick fucks behind to drown in their own shit and non-backed paper money.
Democrats love to go on and on about the Koch brothers. David Koch was a running mate for a Libertarian presidential candidate in the 80s. He wanted to lower taxes, take power away from corrupt politicians, and legalize pot and gay marriage. They donate more money to charities than I could make in 50 lifetimes. I think liberals should find someone else to demonize.
I’m not a liberal but I’ll agree with you on there. I used their name because they with the help of lobbyists have made it nearly impossible to afford solar panels in Florida, a state that gets a lot of sunshine and if you’re caught with them on your house you have to pay a steep fine. How about we go with the name Rothschild instead? The Cremation of Care Ceremony is gonna be wild in Bohemian Grove this year.
Solar is an expensive hobby at this point. Obama dumped hundreds of millions of tax payer dollars into Solyndra before it went bankrupt. Manufacturing solar panels is expensive and creates tons of waste.
True but if Musk can get his gigafactory working to capacity plus the acquisition of Solar City and the production of stackable power packs for buildings and homes, the costs will lower and we would rely less on the grid and actually be able to contribute to it using stored energy. We’re far away from it being a major thing but it’s cool to think that we’re making progress with it.
A majority of people I’ve run across don’t drive their Tesla for the environment, like a Prius driver, they do it for the status symbol. Everyone knows Tesla is a highly expensive car that is hard to get your hands on…that’s why people drive it. My neighbor works for a fracking company and drives a Tesla. I doubt he cares about the environment.
A Model S is what, $75k? Certainly not something I could afford, but not exactly a status symbol. The new model is going to be $35k
Because they’re sick cars that drive well and look good. It’s not that difficult to understand the appeal of Tesla.
35k is still expensive. My Cherokee was $5,000. I could drive it 200,000 miles (which would take 20 years) with current gas prices before making up the $30,000 price difference.
$35k is pretty typical for a new car. Don’t you also own a Lexus? I’m betting the MSRP on that Lexus was more than $35k.
Wouldn’t know, bought it used for much less than 35k and it will last much longer than a Tesla.
Until the brakes give out and the airbags fail
Tesla uses the Takata airbags that are part of the recall. Brakes are a wear item on Teslas just like every other vehicle and brake failures are 99% owner negligence. Do you know what you’re talking about?
Brake failures are 99% owner negligence, huh? Is that why Toyota recalled brakes in almost 2 million cars a couple years ago? And I can’t even begin to imagine why you think I’m defending Tesla
It was for a rubber seal in the MC that could eventually dry out when using brake fluids that did not meet Toyota’s specification. If I recall correctly, it wasn’t an immediate failure but would start to manifest and only become a safety issue if neglected long enough. So yes, driving to actual point of failure in this instance would still be owner negligence.
Said it before, but I would love a column that reviewed alphabrain and other nootropics. Onnit probably gave you the shit for free, give me the low down.
Nuh-uh
I wish I could drink at the office too