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This is not a paid advertisement. I’ve never stepped foot in the state of Arizona, but I think I know enough to make this declaration: I should have gone to Arizona State.
I mean, what the fuck is even going on out there, anyway? Admittedly, the majority of what I know about this school is via Instagram, golf tournaments, Girls Gone Wild- Lake Havasu, and stories relayed to me by a buddy of mine whose brother-in-law went to school there, but I think it’s safe to say those kids are doing it right. Like many, I spend a good portion of the day anticipating the next pointless group text to light up my phone. More often than not, it’s a screenshot of something like this:
Please note the caption. Specifically, the part that says, “from ASU.” Unless I’m way off base here, that’s Arizona State University and not Angelo State University (home of the Rams). This isn’t an isolated incident, either. When one of my degenerate friends sends out a photo of a barely dressed college babe, there’s a pretty good chance she’s from ASU. If she’s not from ASU, then she probably goes to the University of Arizona, which is nothing to shrug your shoulders at. But if I had to do it again, I’m going ASU all day, everyday. Man, I would’ve cleaned up done decently.
Seriously, what’s happening down there? Do they all look like this?:
Yeah, I know. You probably think my friends are revolting. I’d say more creative than revolting, but to each his (probably her in this case) own. Either way, I hear or read “I should’ve gone to Arizona State” on a daily basis. Are we delusional? Yep. Are we grossly inflating our ability to pull ass like that in college? Of course we are. Revisionist history is a staple of the late-twenties group text. So what?
If you’re not convinced, consider this: Tempe is about a 15 minute drive from Scottsdale, and that’s where the Waste Management Phoenix Open is played. It’s one part golf tournament, two parts day rage throwdown. Not into golf for some awful reason? That’s fine. The WM Open features the most debaucherous hole in golf, the par-3 16th. As long as you can remember to either: 1) Boo obnoxiously when a golfer misses the green and then pound your beer, or 2) Yell obnoxiously when a golfer hits a good shot and then pound your beer, you’ll do just fine.
Maybe this will refresh your memory and get you sports-hard at the same time:
Tiger, fuck yeah. Can you imagine the damage he could do, did do, or is currently doing, at ASU? There’s really no way of knowing whether he took a swim through Tempe after signing his scorecard, but I just pretend that he did. By my estimation, you probably have to be at least a solid 7 to get hired at a Denny’s in Tempe, and we all know how that story ends. By the way, did you hear he and LV broke up? I feel like the Summer of Spieth may become the Summer of Tiger. He’s probably got a pocket full of Ambien and a 31-year-old Vegas cage dancer named Chloe by his side right now.
Now, I’m not overlooking the fact that the WM only happens once a year, but you know what doesn’t happen once a year? Perfect weather. The way I imagine it, every day is a skip class and pound Miami Vices by the pool day. Whether that’s true or not remains to be seen. I’m sure one of our loyal readers with first hand knowledge can fill me in, but I’m going to guess that I’m not that far off.
Finally, and most importantly, there’s the Cactus League. That’s right, 15 teams, 10 stadiums, and so many beers. Taking a trip to watch your ball club during spring training is perhaps the pinnacle of baseball fandom. Any bandwagon riding asshole can max out their credit card to attend a playoff game, but hitting up Spring Training requires sincere commitment. I’ve studied the map, and it appears that all 10 Cactus League stadiums are no more than an hour outside of Tempe. If I’m at ASU, I’m all over it. Skipping class to watch the 14th ranked prospect in your farm system try to lock down a spot on the 40-man is about as American as it gets. I’d even go shirtless in the bleachers and put out the vibe a little bit. It’s Cactus League, and that kind of shit is going to happen.
Also, this:
What could’ve been..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
ASU is where rich LA kids who weren’t smart enough to attend a UC school go.
And that’s bad, how?
I didn’t say it was.
Ah, the old “[public school A with hot girls] has a lot of hot girls from [insert geographic region here] because they couldn’t get into [public school B with far fewer hot girls]” argument.
It’s more of a fact than an argument. You need a 3.0 to go to a UC school and ASU has practically zero admission standards.
Source: From LA with lots of friends that go to ASU.
You need well over a 4.0 if you want to get into most of the UC schools now. UC Riverside probably being the exception, but if you’ve seen that campus, you’ll know why.
It’s all about Merced.
Totally false. I know because I went to high school in San Diego.
A 3.0 in high school isn’t exactly Ivy League material… Not sure I would lead my rebuttal off with that. With limited exceptions the difficulty of getting accepted into one very large state school over another very large state school doesn’t vary a whole helluva lot.
Actually both Asu and the university of arizona require a minimum of a 3.0 gpa for admissions now. UC schools are 3.5 and will make exceptions for certain students with exceptional standardized testing scores and extracurricular activities.
Source: Collegeboard intern 🙂
The UC’s are amazingly overrated. Ugly girls, sub par party towns, and a degree that you can get elsewhere for half the price.
Everyone I know who went to ASU was hot, but stupid (including the guys). Having said that, I think everyone here knows kids who went to Ivy League schools and can barely find jobs vs kids who went to the shittiest of state schools and work on Wall Street. Once you’re out of college and your entry-level job, who cares?
It’s one of the greatest mysteries of modern America–why the hell ASU?
It’s like Charlie Kelly trying to find Pepe Sylvia, perhaps no one will ever know.
I got boxes of Pepe.
ASU was a 4 (okay 5) year vacation. Ah, those were the days
Which ones of us didn’t have a 4-6 year vacation at college regardless of the school? Let’s be real. PGP
I spent 4 years at the other ASU (Angelo State). Starting to think I attended the wrong one. Ram ‘Em.
was it an actual school where you get a solid degree though?
Adrian, I graduated from ASU/Spring Break University.
“I’m sure one of our loyal readers with first hand knowledge can fill me in, but I’m going to guess that I’m not that far off. ” Yeah…that’s pretty accurate.
first hand knowledge? im not sure you ever left the library
you were too busy filming the hit reality show “Roommates”
Moved from NYC to Scottsdale about a year ago and I hate myself every day for not going to school out here. Connecticut was a MUCH better choice…idiot
Asu and uofa is all rich SoCal and Scottsdale kids. Throw in some Bay Area kids too. Beautiful girls at both tho
Is your group chat really called “Guys being dudes”? Not even capitalized?
Now we are asking the important questions
Honest to God ASU is the reason I’m hoping reincarnation is a thing. Went to a 5k student school next to Newark. WTF was I thinking?
“A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything — says they’re beautiful, even when they’re ugly, thinks they’re smart, even when they go to Arizona State.”