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2016 was a rough year for a lot of people. But now, that’s all behind us, and we have a brand new shiny 365 days to look forward to.
But what do we have to look forward to in the New Year? Well, there are the things we already know: we will be inaugurating a new President, Nick Viall will slut it up for the first few months of the year as the new Bachelor, and most of our favorite shows, like Game of Thrones and Stranger Things, won’t return until the summer. But what about the things we don’t see coming, the surprises that pop up during the year that shock as all? Well, if the New Year gods are listening, I have some ideas of things that would likely please us all.
•Scientists discover a way to lose weight while eating carbs and cheese in all forms – pizza, queso and chips, cheese and crackers, etc.
•The perfect Super Bowl LI matchup: Patriots vs. Cowboys.
•Tiger stages a miraculous comeback and gets another major. Everyone loves a comeback.
•Twitter finally gives us the edit button we all want and need.
•Congress passes a law forcing companies to give full time employees a minimum of three weeks paid vacation.
•Victoria’s Secret models are revealed to be animated mannequins, to the relief of all women (and their body image).
•Facebook unveils timeline filters, so you can weed out engagement announcements, political rants, and pyramid schemes.
•It’s discovered that tanning does not give you cancer, allowing me to tan freely and stop looking like an albino at death’s door.
•Surge pricing is universally banned.
•All of the Kardashian/Jenners, along with their hangers-on, such as Tyga and Blac Chyna, cancel their social media accounts, move to Pennsylvania, and dedicate themselves to the Amish lifestyle.
•Taco Bell, Starbucks, and Chili’s master drone delivery, meaning I literally never need to leave my house again.
•Two words: Text. Unsend.
•There will finally be a “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” who is another race besides Caucasian. Seriously, any other race will do.
•Hilary Duff gives up her acting career and returns full time to creating more music like her classic “Why Not.”
•Putting on a fresh duvet cover, running downstairs for more Cheez-Its, and just thinking about going to the gym are added as cardio activities to MyFitnessPal.
•Instagram puts a limit on how many hashtags you can add to one picture, so I don’t have to scroll through your endlessly hashtagged picture caption to get to the next inspirational quote my friend Lindsay posted.
•Will DeFries’ engagement announcement in the New York Times and accompanying engagement photos, subsequently followed by Will DeFries’ column mocking his engagement announcement and photos.
So, how many of these do we think we can get in 2017? 3 or 4? Hell, I’d settle just for some new music from Hilary Duff and an edit button on Twitter. Come on, 2017, you can do it..
Image via Shutterstock
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
PGP gives us the edit button we need
Can’t tell you how many times auto correct has fucked me kver
The one thing I need to happen in 2017: get laid.
I know you rose from the dead and all, but this is just preposterous.
Last one – Yes, yes, yes.
What’s with your new fake name?
Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams
I’m just going to throw this out there; if we got married, you wouldn’t need to change the last name much. The ball is in your court.
Rowley?
Damn you’re good.
*Insert gif of brushing shoulder off except I don’t know how to*
Well resident expert Crick says the next Bachelorette is Rachel. She is not Caucasian and also a real person with a real job. So maybe?
Here’s hoping.
Cowboys v. Patriots in the Super Bowl is a match-up that is pleasing only to ESPN, the NFL, and the 50% of NFL fans who are pure douchebags and bandwagoners. I’d rather chew through my arm 127 hours-style than watch that game.
I’d like to see a chiefs falcons superbowl, but mostly, anyone but those two
I’m on board with Chiefs-anybody. Not a fan, but would love to see good ol’ Fat Andy win one
You mean come ever-so-close only to mismanage timeouts during the two minute drill in the final quarter?
Shh. As an Eagles fan, you’re triggering my early 2000s PTSD.
As a Cheifs fan, dear lord almighty let the happen.
Chiefs – Packers, please! Best of both worlds for me (Chiefs fan living in a Packer world).
Hey guy, why do you hate dem Boyz?
I think I speak for everyone. Because you and everyone of their hangers on refer to them as “dem boyz”. Which honestly sounds like a movie Tyrese would star in and now be shown on cable TV on Sunday afternoons, language edited of course.
Or maybe it’s because they haven’t won a playoff game in over 20 years but still think people outside of TX, OK and NM care about them.
I bet that would be a dope movie though.
What if god finally gave us a sign of his existence and the stadium fell into a sink hole right at opening kickoff?
If it kills Brady, Gronk, Dez, and Romo, I’ll be front row in church next Sunday praising His name.
Stop trying to make fetch happen
Crowley from Boston? There’s now a chance that we’re distant cousins
This would make a great column