I Love Gambling And I Don’t Care Who Knows It

I Love Gambling And I Don't Care Who Knows It

One of the common misconceptions in this country is that your 21st birthday is great because you can finally drink legally. Yeah, that’s cool and all, but if you had any common sense, you had a serviceable fake ID by age 19 and had been imbibing dollar beers at many a college watering hole by the time your 21st rolled around. The place I chose to celebrate mine didn’t even ID me that night because I was such a regular.

But no, your 21st opens up a much more exclusive and gratifying door — you can finally gamble in any goddamn casino in this fine country. And you know as well as I do, gambling is the fucking best.

Nothing beats sitting at the table like you’ve been plopped into Rounders or 21 and throwing down a decent chunk of your last paycheck to playing the odds. The rush of gambling is like no other. Each hand, spin, or dice roll feels like the offspring of the peak of a rollercoaster and a Charlie Sheen-worthy line of blow. If you haven’t been sitting at a blackjack table sweating bullets after the dealer just produced a five and is drawing card after card to determine your fate, you’re not living.

I don’t care what your game is; they’re all just so wonderful. Me? I’m a blackjack man with enough experience under my belt to seethe to myself when someone at the table is playing like a dumbass. Every now and then, I’ll go and search for the ever-elusive hot craps table, because everyone in the world should strive to have a Chris Tucker in Rush Hour 2 moment. One of the finest moments of my life was spending a combined 11 hours on a craps table the last day of a cruise, and frankly I can’t think of a better thing to do on vacation. If you prefer poker, the random card games, sports books, or even slots, you do you. In the end, it’s all gambling and it’s all awesome.

Sure, everyone is a goddamn degenerate gambler from time to time. But that being said, you don’t want to be that compulsive gambler friend. Everyone has one. You love gambling, you jump at it when you get the opportunity. But this guy needs gambling. He hasn’t done any activity just for fun in years. In high school, he tried to organize high stakes bowling nights, and currently plays DraftKings like it’s his job. My own personal compulsive gambler friend once lost a sizable amount of his parents’ money playing online poker. His solution to get it back? Play more online poker. Bless him.

Whenever I get the opportunity to risk a bit of my hard-earned money, I jump at it. Sometimes I even resort to playing scratch-offs to satisfy the itch. I’m not playing because I want to hit it big and retire. I’m playing for that five second rush when your number matches up, only to find out that you got the equal amount of the scratcher (that you naturally use to buy another scratcher). Some believe that it’s impractical to feel this passionately about gambling, and to those select few I say, I’ll give you 5-1 odds that gambling is the most fun you’ll ever have. Sit down at a table for a while with some buddies, order some drinks, and then try to tell me you aren’t having a great damn time.

It doesn’t matter if you win; it doesn’t matter if you lose (to a certain extent). What matters is that feeling you get sitting at the table with a surging intensity, silently praying for luck, hoping to God your waitress comes by with that drink you ordered, and that feeling of elation when the right card comes down and you get to say something appreciative to your dealer while they smile and pretend that they like you.

Yeah, you could take the money you would use to gamble and put it to more sensible use. Pay some bills, buy something nice for yourself, even save it. But if you ask me, when given the opportunity, lay that shit down on the table.

Because what if you win?

Image via Shutterstock

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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