​As a single guy with a bi-weekly paycheck and a one-bedroom apartment, sometimes I try to use my current situation in life to facilitate and initiate coitus with others who are just as bored with their current lot in life as I am. Let’s just say I got her number at a bar, went on a first date to happy hour, a second date mini golfing, and am now in that third date winner’s circle. Congratulations to me, right? Wrong. Any assumptions or expectations of third date coitus can be thrown out the window by modern male douchebaggery and increased strengthening of female gender roles. They say the best teacher is failure, so I will give my loyal postgrad community all of the lessons I’ve learned through my first two years of trying to convince ladies to do the no-pants-dance at my apartment. Here’s the situation: plans are made and she’s showing up at your place for an early evening drink at 6 P.M. Go.

​Clean your damn apartment. I’m shocked at how many dudes don’t realize this one. Clean your damn place. You should have filled up at least one garbage bag of refuge and been on your hands and knees scrubbing some far-away area that you think she won’t notice (check the base of your toilet). Girls notice everything. Quick, what shoes did you wear on your first date? You probably don’t remember, but she does. Get your hands on a candle or some Febreeze and remember to ALWAYS replace your bathroom trash with a fresh liner. Try to shoot for the cleanliness level of Will Smith’s apartment in “Hitch”; that’s a good yardstick.

​Buy quality drinks. This isn’t college and you’re trying to convince her that you’re a big boy, so act like it. Hopefully you listened to her as she was telling you her favorite way to shoot whiskey on date number two or at least remembered what she ordered at the bar on date number one. If you didn’t, no worries; I’ve found that any alcohol with the words “Jack” or “Crown” go well with Coke and that vodka goes well with lemonade or orange juice. Keep it simple. If you are really clueless, spend the extra $25 to give her a vodka option. Don’t forget the club soda, just in case.

​Have an icebreaker activity ready. Yes, you bought some yummy mixers, but now what? Instead of you two awkwardly sitting on separate couches talking about the errands she ran all day (there’s nothing wrong with that, but only if it’s for a little while), why don’t you guys step onto your patio and throw a tennis ball to your dog, let her practice her short game on your new putt putt golf rug, or leave out your yearbook casually so she can see what a stud you were on your high school football team? Maybe all three, it doesn’t matter. Out of the three random activities I just listed, all of them can be enjoyed with a drink in hand and a smile on both of your faces. If a girl is smiling and in a good mood at the beginning of a third date, it’s up to you not to screw it up. Moving on.

​Have a plan and stick to it. Know you’re calling the cab at 7:00 for a 7:30 reservation, which will put you walking distance to the bar of your choice by 9:30. Two drinks at dinner, two drinks at the bar. Remember, you have drinks at home so don’t go nuts (your bank account will thank you later). Try to dance with her in some other way BESIDES her rubbing her butt in your crotch. I know high school homecomings were fun back in the day, but show some class and try to spin her around using the new two-step technique you drunkenly learned last weekend. You’re probably going to suck, but you’ll get brownie points for trying and hopefully you can make her laugh. Laughter is good.

​Home field advantage. Confidently ask her back to your place. This one is tough and takes the most balls. Don’t look at your watch, don’t come up with some playful excuse about why she should come back, and definitely don’t insinuate anything creepy that will turn her off. When she asks if you guys want to do another round, simply grab her elbow respectfully but playfully, and ask her if she’d like to have the next round back at your place, all while maintaining a polite smile and a confident gaze. You should get a yes. If you get a no, that’s all she wrote. Cut bait. If you think you really like her and want to end up with her long term, then hunker down and do what you have to do ― no judgment. Some juice is worth the squeeze.

​Wrap it up. Don’t be an idiot. The defining characteristic that separates you from your coworkers is your lack of children. Do your best to keep it that way.
​