These rules govern the consumption of alcohol by young professionals of the 21st century and the professionals that are members of the American workforce in general while in the presence of a direct superior and/or employer.
We recognize that many other nationalities and cultures conduct themselves under different rules, and we are happy to make our rules available to them as an example. You would do well to remember that specifications as to bars, drinks, etc., may be modified to meet the needs of each individual.
Rule 1.0 – Objectives and Guidelines of Drinks With a Superior
Rule 1(a) The employee must at all times remain less intoxicated than his superior.
Rule 1(b) The objective of consuming alcohol with a superior is to build rapport and general trust as a valued employee.
Rule 1(c) All meetings concerning the consumption of alcohol are at the behest of the superior and any suggestions made by the employee will be viewed as insubordinate.
Rule 1(d) Subordinate may make suggestions if asked by superior to make suggestions.
Rule 1(e) The superior must pay for all drinks, unless the superior has become too incoherent to pay the bill.
Rule 1(f) Topics of conversation must include superior’s thoughts on the employee’s work performance, vague descriptions of the employee’s social activities and how the employee likes working for the company.
Rule 1(g) Questions about superior’s married life should be approached with discretion, as the discussion may turn unfortunate and come off as pathetic.
Rule 1(h) If superior knows someone at the establishment, the superior may introduce the subordinate to business associates at their discretion.
Rules 2.0 – General Rules
Rule 2(a) Subordinate must have cigarettes on their person at all times during the consumption of alcohol with the superior.
Rule 2(b) Subordinate may casually bring up the topic of tobacco to superior to engage superior in consumption of tobacco products through inhalation after 3-5 beverages.
Rule 2(c) Subordinate may also want to keep a can of chewing tobacco in their vehicle, especially if the superior is a male born south of the Mason-Dixon line.
Rule 2(d) Subordinate is not allowed at any time to order shots and must wait for the approval of the superior.
Rule 2(e) Subordinate must take all drink recommendations from the superior.
Rule 2(f) Whenever a superior looks down at his or her watch, the encounter is over and it is time to go home.
Rules 3.0 – Post-encounter
Rule 3(a) If a superior happens to get handsy, notify the bartender and hail a taxi cab before the superior crosses the line of inappropriate behavior.
Rule 3(b) The subordinate may tell their friends about the superior’s handsyness at a later date, but only if said friends promise not to tell anyone.
Rule 3(c) Subordinate must drive their own vehicle home in thoughtful silence, unless they went round-for-round with the superior, then a taxi cab for the subordinate may be necessary.
Rule 3(d) Subordinate must remember where they parked their car and whether or not it was in a tow-zone if they have followed the latter of Rule 3(a).
Rule 3(e) Any and all topics discussed during the consumption of alcohol with a superior are subject to interpretation and the superior may decline to remember any promises or guarantees made during the consumption of alcohol.
Rule 3(f) Don’t drink and drive.