23 Things That Will Most Likely To Drive You To Murder This Christmas

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The holidays are a time for peace, love, and cleaning out your parents’ pantry of anything that might be edible like you’re a bear preparing for hibernation. However, when you stick a bunch of family together in one house, things can get pretty hairy. Siblings who may not see each other all the time default to adolescent behavior, stupid debates are had over the dinner table, and of course there are hundreds of external annoyances as well. There’s a reason police departments get more calls over the holidays, they drive us all insane, and some of these might even cause you to commit a homicide.

  1. The mass of irresponsible people waiting in line buying last minute gifts when you only came to the store to buy a bottle of wine for the evening.
  2. Your grandfather’s callous comments about the state of your life, because he’s too old to censor himself now.
  3. Commercials with people giving luxury cars as gifts.
  4. Listening to the hardcore political members of your family speak, whether it’s a right wing uncle blathering about Rush Limbaugh, or a liberal nut cousin going on about Rachel Maddow.
  5. Still having to sneak outside to smoke a cigarette, even though you’re a decade past the legal age.
  6. Only bringing a carry on and still somehow losing your bag.
  7. The advertised open bar at your company’s holiday party turning out to be a cash bar.
  8. Finding out the high school friend you always hook up with when you’re back home got engaged.
  9. The joy of hearing your siblings and cousins update everyone on how great things are going, and desperately trying to think of anything impressive to say about your own life.
  10. The one coworker who exceeds the gift price limit when buying a present for your boss.
  11. Your parents looking over at you and your wife every time there’s a baby in a commercial.
  12. Your parents looking over at you and your girlfriend every time there’s a Kay Jewelers commercial.
  13. Your parents looking over at you and your glaring lack of a girlfriend every time there’s a Kay Jewelers commercial.
  14. Your parents looking over at you and your unemployed ass every time there’s an Army recruitment commercial.
  15. The radio stations playing the shitty, new versions of Christmas songs, and not the classic versions that don’t suck.
  16. Getting to the airport three hours before your flight to be safe, and somehow breezing through security in only twenty minutes.
  17. Being woken up in the middle of the night by a cacophony of crying babies.
  18. Going out and having a great time with a girl for the first time in a long time, except she’s only visiting for the holidays, and lives all the way across the country.
  19. Your company shortening your holiday days off last minute, and not being able to do anything about it because you’ve already used all of your PTO.
  20. Getting life advice from your younger cousin.
  21. Looking forward to sleeping in your old room for nostalgia’s sake, and then finding out it’s been given to your three young nephews who have no respect for other people or their personal property.
  22. Someone you hate buying you a shitty gift that you don’t even want, forcing you to go get them something as well so you don’t look like an asshole.
  23. “Frozen” being added to your family’s lineup of holiday films. It’s a good movie, but we do not fuck with tradition. And it’s not even about Christmas! There’s just a bunch of fucking snow!

Happy Holidays. Try not to kill anyone.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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