I, like any other super-fan-girl of their alma mater, dreamed of the day I’d meet some super-fan-guy of the same alma mater. We’d likely both be post-game intoxicated, lock eyes over a celebration shot, and the rest would be history. A history filled with locking down prime, joint tailgating real estate; engagement pics on the library lawn; and a wedding on the 50-year-line (we have connections in my dream).
However, as fate would have it, I’m dating my rival. Not even just, like, another school in my school’s conference that I don’t particularly care for. I mean the other in-state school that I absolutely despise. I’m not even one of those nice fans who can root for the other school in their state when they’re not playing one another; I guess for home-state support or something. Nah. I always hope they lose; even when them winning would help my school in the polls. Nope. Seeing them lose is better. As you can imagine, this can be hard on a relationship, and since we like each other enough that we’d like to avoid any domestic abuse charges, we are learning to live with it. Here are some tips that I think are helping:
Even though their school-themed home décor makes you want to set the house on fire, actually setting it on fire is a bad idea. Go ahead and drink out of that disgusting, school-logo-adorned glass; utilize the matching coasters; and definitely wear the hoodie (because you know it’s comfortable, but only when no one else is around to capture photographic evidence). You know you have the same shit all over your dwelling, and not only do you want your memorabilia treated with the utmost respect, but once one item gets vandalized and/or torched, it’s just a slippery slope until you’re both homeless and having to explain yourselves to the insurance companies, and likely facing some hefty legal issues. Full disclosure: I can proudly say that beyond the one time I bathed with the school-themed washcloth that Boy had been utilizing as a coaster of sorts on the end-table, I have been very well-behaved.
I know it’s hard to be supportive in times of loss, especially when you sat there the whole game hoping for it, but pointing, laughing, and yelling, “haha, y’all fucking suck!” isn’t really productive for the relationship. After my boy’s team lost last weekend, I actually used the line, “we aren’t going to let this affect our future attitudes this evening, are we?” I might have kicked me out of my own apartment if the roles were reversed and that was said to me, but my school still had a big game coming up that night. I want to get trashed and cheer amongst happy people, and happy was definitely not the sentiment being expressed. The attitude “win or lose, we still booze” is important. Get drunk and rub on one another. Deal with the loss privately when the new rankings come out.
Going out on each other’s turf is tricky. I used to call his town “the toilet bowl of America,” and I meant it. (If you’re reading this, Boy, just know Super Target, Dillard’s, and a collection of above-average Mexican food eateries is helping you change my mind.) I will tailgate there. I will go to bars there. But I will NOT be a traitor to my beloved school. I will behave myself, relatively. (I swear; that time I threw that guy’s plastic vodka bottle out in the street was just because he threw it at me first. You know I don’t normally support alcohol abuse, such as wasting any that might have been left in there.) I’ll even keep my shit-talking to myself, so long as no one puts me in the position to defend that to which I am loyal. So basically, if someone starts pushing your significant other’s buttons on your turf, it’s likely best that you shut it down. Public throw-downs are not relationship helpers.
Rivalry game day: all bets are off. Make up on Sunday. Don’t buy a “house divided” license plate. Everyone knows those are stupid. And remember, if you agreed on everything, shit would be pretty boring, wouldn’t it? .
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