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Q: I’m sending this message to you still sweating from a summertime walk of shame. Last night, I went on a first date with a guy I met on Tinder. We had fun, got drunk, had sex. I’m not mad and I did have fun, but I don’t want the sex to take me out of the running for a real relationship. Is all hope lost? We’ve texted this morning with some pleasantries about hanging out again, but who knows if that means anything. I’m not saying I need this guy to be my husband, but I also want to see if this can go anywhere, like it might with any guy that I had “held out” with. Is there any way to move forward and be taken seriously as a potential relationship in the future?
A: When I go out with a group of guys we high five A LOT. I mean, it’s so much that to ease the pain the next day I get two iced coffees and drink them at the same time. Sometimes it will be about a big play during the game or a lapse in conversation and we make some uncomfortable eye contact. But most of the time, a buddy and I will check out a hot girl, notice one another noticing, and high five to acknowledge how awesome we are at noticing the same hot chick. I’ve even done this from across the room by simultaneously high fiving the air. Why are we high fiving for agreeing on which chicks are hot? Because it’s human. There’s nothing better than knowing you’re not alone. The understanding that both he and I got tingles in our balls is something that brings us together as a species. Nearly every time I’m in one of these high five dude orgies, there’s a conversation that goes like this:
Dude: “Yo check out that chick.”
Bro: (Checks out chick)
Dude: “Would you bone?”
(Group of 10 dudes hug and high five for the next hour.)
This is like 90% of the conversations that guys have — would you or wouldn’t you. Girls want to know why guys can be so dumb and happy sometimes and this is why. We live in a ‘yes or no’ world that lets us all know how similar we are to one another. This is why there’s ALWAYS a chance for a relationship to work after first date sex.
If it’s so easy for a guy to decide on sex that he can’t even finish the word “totally” to explain his intentions, then how many words do think left your mouth before he decided on you? The answer is zero words. His decision was made at first swipe and it’s the reason he’s sitting with you at that wine bar. I know how horrible this sounds, but it’s the reality of the situation —a reality no girl wants to think about. It’s much easier to have sex with a guy on the first date, have him not set up a second date, then have a couple of glasses of white zin and angrily tell your friends, “He got what he wanted.” Sure he got what he wanted, but he wanted that with every stranger he high fived about that week. He doesn’t stop hanging out with you because you had sex on the first date; he stops because after sex, you guys didn’t have much to talk about and every time you talked about your job you ended each sentence with, “It’s whatever.”
Most girls will say that a guy will never respect the girl who has sex on the first date. My response is that this girl (and most girls who have done this before), didn’t show up for the date wearing a t-shirt that said “Cum Dumpster” as she whispered in his ear, “I think your AXE body spray is making me horny.” This girl is more like all of us than we want to believe. She’s you, she’s me, she’s your single friend, she’s your sibling. She went on a date, had a couple of drinks, and said yes to a number of things that led to his bed. And there’s nothing wrong with that. A guy will respect a girl who owns that reality much more than the girl who cowers under a social construct which dictates that because she did something she wanted to do, she is now a “slut” and can’t have a normal relationship. Getting to know someone is tough when they keep apologizing for something you both wanted.
My advice to this girl is to own what happened and treat it as natural. Don’t apologize, don’t reference it, just move on as you would with any guy. Most important, don’t feel like because you had sex with him once, it’s something you have to do again. Contracts weren’t signed. Date two doesn’t have to up the ante with anal. It can end with a kiss that’s way more important to both of you than the sex that more than likely got only half the participants off. You should wait for him to make a plan and if he does, go on the date, have fun, and do what feels natural. But if he doesn’t make a plan, don’t blame yourself and don’t blame the sex; blame the little feeling we get that makes us want to high five someone for the rest of our lives that didn’t spark for him.