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I stood on the subway platform, patiently awaiting my 7 train chariot to carry me from Midtown East to Hudson Yards for a midday meeting. I had my headphones in and was scrolling through uninformative, poorly-formatted tweets when I thought I saw someone familiar. My first reaction, obviously, was to look away immediately. I tried to place who it was, and wondered if it made sense for me to be seeing her here. I knew her from high school. Lauren? Lara? Lisa? Lauren, definitely. I looked back up, my hand ready to wave and my eyebrows ready to say, “OMG?! Lauren? Is that you?!” As we made eye contact a second time, I saw the wave of recognition—and then pure panic. Instead of returning the wave, smile, and OMG she was about to receive, she made a run for it. She averted her eyes, pivoted with finesse, and scuttled to the other side of the platform.
The confusion was palpable. I’m usually the asshole — I prefer to hurt people before I get hurt — so it felt cold hearted that she would deny me. There’s no doubt about it: running into people you kind of know is satan’s work. There is not a single person who has ever run into an acquaintance and left the situation better for it. Instead, your hellos come out squeaky and fake. You’re forced into “catching up” on someone’s life who you either A. Don’t give a shit about, or B. Already know everything because you saw it on Facebook, aka you don’t give a shit about it. Was this chick onto something?
People go to big cities for anonymity. But after a while, you meet people, you do stupid shit, and you make your own sort of mark in your own part of a town—regardless of how big that city is. It becomes home, and you go to the same places and see the same people. You think you can just casually go to a neighborhood sports bar for a drink? Nope, of course, you’re going to run into your high school boyfriend. Of course, he’s going to be there with all of his friends who know who you are because you’re the last girl he dated before he came out as gay.
You think you can find peace and sanity at your tiny neighborhood grocery store, hungover as all hell on a Saturday morning? Of course not. Of course, the casual fling who dramatically dumped you two weeks ago is going to be there with his roommate because they just moved across the street from you. So long, makeup-free strolls to the corner coffeeshop. So long, peaceful walk-of-shames. It’s been a good run, New York, but this shit is too much for me.
I run into people I know or knew and don’t want to see regularly. I get clammy, I get awkward, and I talk as fast as I can to fill the space so neither of us have to say anything of substance. It has never one time been an enjoyable experience. It’s like when you’re alone on the elevator with a co-worker, or the friend you went to a party with goes to the bathroom. Hey, anyone want to see how fast we can make this girl word vomit an embarrassing secret? Just give me someone I’ve drunkenly made out with and I’m your girl.
How do I avoid these terrible moments in time? They are stressful, and they are inevitable. I want a way out. So I had to wonder, after all of the torment these run-ins have caused me, is it Lauren from AP Literature who had it right? Is the answer to avoiding a run-in… just to run away?.
Respond
@_cflammia
@tine_vogue
cflammia
This new site format/layout is weird.
Not a fan of having to click to see comments but other than that its not the worst change in the world.
I like knowing if comments are on the articles before I read them. No comments normally equals shitty article.
2/10: I’m old and curmudgeonly, not a fan of adapting to unannounced changes.
I don’t disagree.
My theory is it’s to get more page views, but this would not add to your unique site visits for those of us who routinely check for new comments. An explanation as to why the change was made would be a great way to Touch Base with your more frequent followers.
I legitimately have no idea, man.
via GIPHY
Will just quoted me in a tweet, I’ve peaked, all downhill from here.
I did?
Let me believe what I want Will.
what is your @
I’m one of those assholes who’s private.
No no, running is too bold- you draw attention to yourself, look foolish, and make people get so into their own head that they write (entertaining) articles about it. I rarely interact with people I know when I randomly see them, and even that’s rare since they usually don’t engage on sight. Here’s what you want to do:
1. Always Be Scurrying (ABS)- working in a hospital I’ve learned that if you wear a white coat, carry a clipboard or even just a bunch of papers, and walk fast while furrowing your brow ever so slightly then people will actively avoid standing in your way, never mind attempting to engage you. Gotta have the right combination of harried but uninteresting. If you don’t have the white coat or want to dress like a normal human being in public (I know you’re about that fashion life) just keep glancing at your phone, maybe murmur under your breath a bit. Never clutch at a bag though. You’ll look too nervous and stick out even more, plus you’ll make any minorities worried that you have mace and a twitchy finger (trust me).
2. Big, Black, and Bitchy (The 3 B’s)- speaking of minorities I can say with the utmost confidence that nothing has gotten people to avoid conversing with me quite like having dark skin, good muscle tone, and a terrible case of resting bitch face. If you can’t exercise/tan enough try keeping your shoulders back and your head tilted down more. Don’t go for the scowl if you’re a girl though, that’s how you get assholes telling you how “you’d be so much prettier if you smiled more.”
3. Lie, Deny, be Sly- Finally get cornered by someone? Straight up pretend to be someone else. I read the title of an article on the internet once that said everyone in the world has at least one doppelganger or something, cite that (don’t ask me to cite that). If you’re stubborn and adamant enough in the face of someone’s claims they’ll eventually believe you because it’s easier than trying to convince you otherwise- that’s how I’ve been the best lover my last few lady friends have ever had. Especially effective if you’ve recently lost weight or gotten a haircut or one of those other things I never notice because I’m a guy.
That’s it- with those three easy steps you’ll be well on your way to getting the bare minimum of daily human interaction necessary for a social species such as ours, maybe even less! Just remember, no one likes ABS, B’s, or compulsive liars.
All you have to do is move somewhere where no one knows you and then stop meeting people all together. Since you already live in NYC, all you have to do is move 5 apartment complex’s down and this should solve everything.
Central kids are fucking everywhere
100%. Just don’t tell Lauren
This is just ammo to roast her at the reunion in a few years
Can confirm, dated one.
I knew there was a reason you were one of my favorite writers. We’re veterans of the same war
1. Don’t leave the house.
2. See step 1
I guess I’m one of the few who love running into people. Maybe they’ve changed? Maybe I’ve changed? Maybe the interaction ends in a knife fight? The possibilities are endless.
“OMG im so awkward”. just wave say long time no see and keep walking.
How is this written by the same person who wrote, “How to avoid small talk forever” ?
I just throw some shades on and act like no one can see me. If you ever get called out on it, just pull the oblivious card.
Or you could just say hello to them. You know, like a mature human being.