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As much as it pains me to say this, I have to give The New York Times a break this week. I know, I know, nothing gets my morning going like four shots of espresso and scorching The New York Times, but even they deserve a break once in a while.
This week, we’re graced with a story from Above The Law, a legal website with “news, insights, and opinions on law firms, lawyers, law school, lawsuits, judges and courts.” So essentially not a website for us normies who are more focused on getting fire Instagrams off than we are with matters of the law.
I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to absolutely nobody should I include mistakes that pertain to lawyer jargon that I should not know. Without further ado, here it is.
This JD MERGER AGREEMENT (this “Agreement”) is made as of the Effective Date by and among David Matthew Howard, one fantastic, charismatic and magnificently humble junior litigation associate, born and raised in Southern California, currently employed by a Texas general practice law firm at its New York office (the “Groom” or “David”), Yixin Jingjing Liang, one lovely, intelligent and wonderfully caring junior corporate associate, born in the People’s Republic of China and raised in Toronto, Canada, currently employed by a New York general practice law firm at its New York office (the “Bride” or “JJ”, together with the Groom, the “Couple” or “JD”) and the Guest (as defined below).
Okay, David. You can’t precede calling yourself “humble” by also calling yourself “fantastic” and “charismatic.” I know this may be tongue-in-cheek, but when you release a goddamn merger agreement as your marriage announcement, all rules fly out the door.
I’m imagining these two wasting time at their miserable big firm jobs just cackling at their respective computers while remotely typing in a Google Doc with one another as everyone around them milks their billable hours for all they’re worth. I mean, shit, they were probably getting paid by some ignorant client while writing this. Poor saps.
WHEREAS, the Groom desires to take the Bride as his lawful wife, to have and to hold commencing on the Wedding Date, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do them part;
WHEREAS, the Bride desires to take the Groom as her lawful husband, to have and to hold commencing on the Wedding Date, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do them part; and
WHEREAS, the parents, grandparents, and other extended family members of the Couple collectively acknowledge and approve the Couple’s desire to unite as husband and wife;
It’s 2018, guys. You no longer need the approval of family members to tie the knot (to my girlfriend’s family, if you’re reading this — I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Fuck, now all the commenters are going to pile on this. I should delete this).
If you’re including the word “whereas” in pretty much anything besides a legitimate legal document, you need to check yourself. It’s like using French words at cocktail parties just to sound smarter than you really are. That being said, they are getting married at a fucking castle, so not coming off as pompous probably isn’t a concern of theirs.
Despite everything we’ve just read, the worst part of this entire ordeal is the “CLASS” section which reads exactly like you’d expect two uptight lawyers to treat their plebeian wedding guests.
Class. The Guest represents and warrants to not consume alcohol to a degree that their good humor, common sense or balance is impeded to turn a classy event into a college fraternity party. The Guest acknowledges that this provision is put in place by the Couple in the interest of the Guest’s reputation and honor.
Oh, yeah, okay. Cool. While I (obviously) don’t know these two personally, they strike me as the type you’d need to have a drink or two to interact with. I’m talking “oh, shit, here they come, let’s slug down this martini with blue cheese olives and order another one before they get to our table.”
There’s no word on what their wedding hashtag will be, but I’ll be on the lookout in June for a pretentious castle wedding in June. Maybe I’ll even contribute to their wedding registry, which contains a $500 vacuum cleaner and tickets to the ballet. Because, you know, these two high-profile lawyers can’t afford this stuff on their own. .
[via Above The Law]