Going Back To Your Alma Mater, Hamptons Parties, And Unplanned Pregnancy: The Worst Stories From This Weekend

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It’s up for debate which is worse — the dreaded Sunday Scaries or the Monday Blues. I think you know where my allegiance is at this point, but either way, The Sunday Scaries Podcast should solve both.

Yesterday’s episode covered shows to avoid that will only amplify your anxiety, a cure for the hungover face puffiness we all suffer from after a bender, and the perfect hangover food that none of us are eating. You can listen to this on Grandex Labs or you can listen right here:

Either way, I appreciate you coming along for the ride. Let’s get to this weekend’s crop of stories which were all sent to me (will@grandex.co if you have your own) anonymously.

Remember those girls who played with illegal substances back in November during Cortaca weekend? The ringleader is back, baby.

This past weekend, myself and about 50+ of my closest friends took a bus to Boardy Barn in the Hamptons for Corty Barn. For anyone who doesn’t know, it is held on a Saturday in the Hamptons, under a giant tent. $10 cover with your college ID, and dollar beers and hot dogs. I just wrapped up a year of grad school and my friends just finished out undergrad at Cortland. I think you understand the magnitude of this.

So – I took two trains in on Friday and we got to work Saturday morning. We get to the meet spot for the bus, hop on, and the party starts. I brought along a 12 pack of Spiked Seltzers (note – not white claw but the other brand). In retrospect this was one of the poorest choices I have made in my nearly 23 years of life. We were on the bus for an hour. I had seven spiked seltzers in this time. As soon as we got to Boardy, I was piss drunk and ready to rage.

The bus pulls in, and I jump off and make a beeline for the middle of the line. Somehow managed to cut 400+ people without any bouncers batting an eye. I ran into everyone I went to undergrad with and was offered a Honey Tennessee nip. I’ve never looked a gift drink in the mouth, and this is where my day slowly started to crumble down.

We get in. I immediately walk to the bar and order four waters. I chugged two and then realized just how wasted I was. Calmly walked over to the closest ports potty and unleashed the demons. I got out and immediately realized that I had to stay in the venue until 6 (no readmission). My panic was at an all time high. So I drank several dollars beers. None of which I bought. Everything is a blur after this. I remember taking pictures with several sorority girls who fawned over me for being a lesbian and screaming the words to “I’m Shipping Up To Boston.” Bought a hot dog for myself and a friend, and immediately had to pull the trigger on myself after. The only guy that I will ever love (note: I am a raging lesbian) bought me a beer and I definitely spilled it all over his shorts.

I threw up four times, in total.

I stumbled back to the bus at 5:45 and was knocked until we reached the train station.

I got home Sunday hungover as balls for Father’s Day dinner. I am also now convinced that I have IBS. I haven’t had a real, unaided poop in three days. My stomach is the size of a beach ball.

I’ve only heard a handful of stories from Boardy Barn (truthfully, I have no idea what Corty Barn is but I assume it’s similar?) but they’ve all been an absolute mess. Just a bunch of dudes in tank tops and girls in high-cut jean shorts raging alongside one another trying to toe the line of being as drunk as possible and blacking out. I’m about ten years too old to go to this sort of event at this point, but respect to anyone who makes it out alive.

FTLT, you’re doing the Lord’s work with this series.

Been noticing recently as I get older that I like the appeal of a lil nicotine when I’m drinking, which is the OPPOSITE of how that trend should go. Doesn’t help that in NYC every bar/pregame will have at least one person with some boges or the dreaded #juul. Had nothing to do Saturday afternoon and hate the idea of being a mooch, so I said screw it and went to buy my own..dropping a cool $75 on the juul and pods.

It has now only been 2 DAYS mind you, and man this thing is addicting. Been drowning through work today fighting a battle of going to the stall to rip or reading Reddit articles on if I should quit. Scaries + Monday Blues + the realization of “holy shit this might be the first sign of an addiction” = I will be destroying my 2 day old Juul with a hammer and flinging the pods out onto the streets of Manhattan the minute I get home. Never said growing up was easy.

It wouldn’t be 2018 if you weren’t at least partially worried about being addicted to a Juul. But I do have bad news for you — you’re too deep now. You’re in the thick of it. If you went out and spent $75 on it, you’re at least somewhat addicted. If you weren’t, you’d still be drunkenly grabbing your friend’s out of his hand at the bar rather than buying your own.

Fries,

Welp it happened again. I’m the guy from a couple months ago that buys stuff when he’s blackout.

I got an email from some motorcycle training academy this morning that I instinctively thought was spam. As I’m going to delete the message I realize that no this isn’t spam, but this is a class that I had signed up for while plastered Saturday night. Drunk me decided that $250 was a STEAL for learning to ride, and proceeded to sign tf up. No refunds on this sucker, so ya boy will be recreating Wild Hogs this Sat-Sun from 6:30-4pm. I also Had spine surgery a couple months back and have no strength in my core/back so trying to straddle a bike in a middle school parking lot will be interesting to say the least. I’m currently having Flo tell me how much motorcycle insurance would be…

Tell Dorn to keep the beard. Absolute snack.

1. Don’t call me “Fries.”

2. You legitimately sound like the worst candidate to learn how to ride a motorcycle ever. Just forget you ever spent the money and stick to cars.

Oh, wait, he followed up post-classes.

Hey follow up from the guy who signed up for a motorcycle class while drunk.

So Friday my body decides to have VIOLENT diarrhea that got so bad I had to go home to get new pants. First class is that night from 6-8, so not bad. Nothing wildly unfamiliar about motobikes so it’s easy peasy. Problem is I then found out that class is from 6-4 Saturday and Sunday…. Luckily the middle school parking lot where I learned to ride this motorcycle had the nicest non-gender bathroom right off the curb. I passed the class and honestly had a blast. Now I’m trying to figure out how much a bike would cost while also calling a gastroenterologist to figure out how much longer I’ll be rapidly losing weight from all the rrhea.

Riding a crotch rocket post-diarrhea sounds like my worst nightmare. You and I have very different motivations in life.

Hi Will,

Long time reader of pgp but this is the first time I’ve done something worthy enough of writing in. Okay, bit of back story me and my roommates went to culinary school in Rhode Island. One of them was in Texas for an internship, so me and my other friend decided to fly out and see her after not seeing each other in about 6 months.

Anyway, fly out of Boston to a short layover in Atlanta. Took an edible before the flight and proceeded to drink something called a “Buzz ball” on the plane which is about 17% abv in an 8 oz bottle. Continued to drink some ipas in the airport so by the time we get to Dallas, we’re trashed. Spend the first night drinking at a neighborhood bar which is pretty chill until our drunk asses meet these guys who convince us to uber to another bar in a not so hot part of town. Halfway there, the cops shut down the street and tell everyone to turn around because someone got shot at said bar. That sobers us up real quick so we call it a night.

Next day, we drive to Austin for the next couple days. First night, drink literally everything in sight and end up drunkenly getting my nose pierced which i’m pretty sure is illegal. Also walked home from 6th street barefoot and half dressed. Few days later, we’re back in Dallas renting a boat for the day. Full 5 gallon cooler of margarita and 4 24 packs of coronas between 8 people… i’m sure you can tell how that went. Got home and passed out until 6:45am when we had an 8:15am flight… Made it as the gate was closing. T&P are needed before i look at how much money I spent on ubers and alcohol this week. On the bright side, we saw Incredibles 2, and it was dare I say… Incredible!

That all sounds terrible except for seeing The Incredibles 2 part. Shocker: I had never watched the original Incredibles until yesterday afternoon, and dare I say… incredible.

Long time, first time…

My best friend from high school/college is getting deployed overseas in a few weeks, so he had four days of leave to do whatever he wanted this past week. His mother, aunt, one of our mutual friends, and I flew out to see him. The first day goes well, and we went to Top Golf that night which was lit. We had a few drinks there before we head back to the hotel.

Now, I am not the world’s biggest drinker and neither is the friend who is getting deployed, but our other friend is a true alcoholic. Like a minimum of 4-5 drinks per day kinda guy. Anyway, we stop at a liquor store the next day and stock up for the week. When we get back to the hotel, the mother and aunt go to bed and leave us to do our thing. We start drinking and before long I’m feeling it. My friend in the Army is in the bathroom doing god knows what, so I head to the hotel lobby bathroom to puke and rally. This is where it gets fuzzy and the rest of this I got told. Apparently, I told my alcoholic buddy (who is obviously doing much better than I am) that I was going for a run. (IDK) I was much more drunk than I thought and ended up staying in that lobby bathroom for 3 hours alternately puking and passing out. I tried to make it back to the room three times but was locked out because I left my phone and keycard. When I sobered up somewhat, I realized I could get a card from the front desk. That was pretty embarrassing even for drunk me because I remember the manager walking in on me in the bathroom and he must have known what was going on.

While this was going on, my two friends came looking for me. They walked around the hotel and the local area and ended up either chasing a cat or pissing on a cactus (or both). Finally they came back to the room to find me in my bed half naked. We then proceeded to continue drinking until I passed out for good.

I didn’t realize how much I had actually drank until the next morning when I saw the almost empty bottle of vodka. Amazingly, my streak of never having a hangover continued (knock on wood). Thankfully, this is the only time I have ever considered spending the night in a hotel lobby bathroom, and I now know that I shouldn’t try and keep up with a professional alcoholic.

P.S.

You can’t taste Belvedere vodka when mixed with Sprite.

So much to unpackage here but I almost don’t even want to attempt to because, well, I don’t want to.

I hate you for never getting hangovers (keep knocking on wood, buddy) and I hate you even more for drinking Belvedere and Sprite. That’ll catch up to you real quick.

Not my first time posting nor is it my last. So you know my life is in shambles.

It’s currently Saturday I’m going to a bachelorette in the same town as my alma mater next weekend. Flying in early to go to the “barmuda” triangle” on Thursday. My anxiety is through the roof. T&P’s aren’t only appreciated but NEEDED.

Also have anxiety because I’ve used the email for all of my submissions and it’s my first & last name. I’m the only person with said name. Will I seriously hope you judge me.

This is a Judge-Free Zone. But you’ll probably end up emailing me again when you’re done with your bachelorette party at your alma fucking mater. STOP GOING TO YOUR ALMA MATER.

Will. I voluntarily grabbed a mans erect penis while out last night. P

Will. I voluntarily touched a man’s erect penis while at a bar last night. This should never happen. Now I’m paranoid a viral insta video is going to surface of this. Send help.

And she followed up.

Now I have anxiety because I dropped my phone on my face and my nose hit send before I was ready, so automatically I assume I BCC’ed every family member possible on this. Greatest apologies. Finding Jesus today.

Wait, why was this dude rock hard at a bar in the first place?

So my girl and I have been dating for over a year now and our parents are meeting for the first time in a few hours. Hoping they like each other, otherwise it could make for an interesting Sunday/rest of the relationship. T’s and P’s appreciated.

One of the most anxiety-inducing sober experiences one can have. Don’t let them dictate your relationship, though. Love always prevails. Okay, maybe it doesn’t but just trying to help.

Sent my ex a happy birthday text

Oh no. Even more sober Scaries.

Currently nursing a 2nd degree sunburn on my shoulders and legs. Went a float trip without sunscreen. Can barely walk or move my arms. Had to drive 3 hours back to my house with said sunburn. The blisters look cool I guess? Just want to pass out for a day or 7. T’s and P’s

Always use sunscreen kids. Helps with anti-aging. I know you’re not thinking about that because you’re in your low-to-mid 20s so you’re just letting it rip every weekend, but you’ll thank me when you’re a 31-year-old dude who looks 37. Speaking for myself.

Long time, first time. Although my weekend was the opposite of scary, I found the secret to returning to your alumni.

I went to college at a state school located in a “suitcase town,” meaning nobody ever stayed on campus during the weekend, much less over the summer. I returned this weekend for a wedding. Had a great time without waking up regretting every choice I’d ever made. Since there were very few students, there was very little pressure to drink like we were 21.

If you must return to your old stomping grounds, the best way to survive the trip is to do it during the summer when campus is a ghost town.

This all just sounds depressing to me, honestly. Shouts to your friends for tying the knot but I think you need to re-think this take.

Currently emailing you in a state of anxiety ridden jet-lag scaries. Flew back from France this weekend and had probably the worst travel experience of my life.

It all started yesterday (Saturday) morning at 7:30 am French time. We were suppose to be flying from Marseille to London to Charlotte getting in to Charlotte at 6:25 pm EST. When we got to the Marseille airport checking our bags took forever so we had to rush to our gate, we had had no breakfast and didn’t have time to grab water because we didn’t want to miss the flight and it was suppose to be a quick puddle jump to London. Once they had the whole plane boarded they announced that the air traffic control in Marseille was on strike and we weren’t going to be taking off for another 2 and a half hours… I blame Karl Marx for what happened over the next 38 hours of my life. So thankfully we only had to sit on the tarmac for an hour 45 but that put us in late to London. So arrive in London and go to british air desk with about 100 other people which is a nightmare, police were called to control the chaos. We get rebooked and this time we’re flying to chicago and then to charlotte but we’re pressed for time and the lady behind the counter doesn’t print our second boarding pass and says we’ll be able to get it in chicago. We then go through security which is always a mess then get on a shuttle to the other side of the airport where we have to go through security again (they don’t fuck around in London) so by that point we’re sprinting through the airport and my mom has gotten double knee replacement in the last year so she’s not doing well we finally get to our gate and by some miracle we aren’t late. Its 4 pm and we literally haven’t eaten or drunken anything all day.

The 8 hours to chicago go by relatively easy but when we get to Chicago we spend an hour in baggage claim waiting for our luggage because custums and all that and then our luggage never shows up. So with an hour to go before our final flight we have to make a choice between waiting to figure out if our luggage is coming or try to make the flight. We go with the flight and just go through custums without our bags (huuuuuuuuuuuuge mistake). We then have no idea what terminal, what airline or what gate our next flight is so we go from terminal 5 on a train thing to terminal 3 which is american. look at the departures board no flight to charlotte at 9 so back on the train back to termial 5 for british air no departures board and no one at the british air desk they all leave before 9 so back to terminal 3 to try to get help and at that point we have missed our flight. We end up getting put up in chicago and told that our luggage did arrive in chicago but we could leave it in baggage claim and it would be put on our flight to charlotte in the morning. get to sleep about 4 hours then back to the airport for our final flight. get back to charlotte about 10:30 am get to baggage claim and then recieve a text saying our luggage did not make it on to the flight. So then we spend the rest of the morning on the phone with american trying to get our bags, as it turns out you have to no matter what get your bag out of custums. so then to make all of that worse I had to drive the 7 hour back to DC from charlotte today with no luggage and have to go to work tomorrow. did i mention i only started this job mid may?

needless to say I am SERIOUSLY feeling the scaries right now.

I died inside every time you spelled “customs” as “custums.” But either way, this is the risk you incur when traveling internationally. You just always have to assume something is going to go devastatingly wrong so then if everything goes off without a hitch, you’re elated. I highly recommend getting Global Entry to ease the pain. It’s like $80 but it solves so many “custums” issues to often encounter.

Woke up Saturday to my roommate asking for a ride. We get back from the drug store .. and she’s pregnant.

…and there it is, the scariest story we’ve ever received. I do not want a follow-up to this one. Please keep me as far away from this as possible.

See you next week. .

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Will

Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.

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