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Welcome to the prologue of the laziest self-help book ever written.
The fact is, you don’t really need to meet someone unless you really need to meet someone. I know, it sounds weird and tautological (I’m trying to be fancy and pretentious, just look it up). We’ve been conditioned by our parents, happily married friends, and society at large that you should be looking for your partner. But I’m not breaking any ground with that. We’re modern adults, right? We’ve all collectively decided that casual relationships and one night stands are an acceptable way to spend your time in your twenties. But I’m not saying you should give up long-term, stable relationships. I’m advocating for something much more severe. I’m advocating for total, pure, unadulterated apathy.
That’s right. Don’t give up on relationships. Go further. Delete OkCupid and your potential first dates where you talk about TV shows you like and never call each other again. Fuck Tinder and the exchanging of pithy one-liners that lead to mediocre sex that happens once. Say no to giving any effort at the bar that requires you going out of your way to talk to the opposite sex in hopes of dragging them back to your place to engage in bedroom activities that will leave both parties anxious to never talk about again. Don’t give up on relationships. Give up on dating.
To be clear, I’m not advocating for being asexual. People who claim that title are weird, and should be avoided at all costs. You have a sex drive, it’s ok to admit it. But all of us who are opposed to getting de facto/de jure married are expending an unnatural amount of energy on seeing people we don’t care about. Instead of chasing, you should sit back and let things come to you. Granted, those “things” are entirely dependent on your attractiveness and social life, but the idea remains. It’s quite simple: Accept sex and relationships that come to you, and avoid any effort that isn’t required.
The best reason for this change of philosophy is how you spend your time. When you’ve given up on dating, here’s what the schedule looks like. Wake up, eat what you want for breakfast. Step on the scale. Are you fat? If yes, does that bum you out as a person, or do you only want to look good to impress your non-existent significant other? If it’s the former, go to the gym. If it’s the latter, proceed to do nothing about it.
Go to work. Do you enjoy your job? If not, find a way out. Consult whoever you want to consult. Will your girlfriend/boyfriend get mad if you suddenly quit? Trick question, you don’t have one! Go home, eat whatever you want again, and pull up the DVR. Who recorded these shows? Oh that’s right, you did. Does this show suck? Stop watching it. What’s that? The girl/guy that doesn’t exist really likes this show, and is going to force you to keep watching it? Oh that’s right, they don’t exist, remember?
But that’s all relationship shit. What about post-modern, no-strings-attached relationships? Well first, see above about being in shape. If you wanna get laid, you have to look good. That’s just a fact. If you’re overweight or otherwise unattractive and have done nothing to mitigate that fact, you don’t deserve for someone of equal or more attractiveness to come home with you. Is that sad? Maybe, but it’s how it works. But guess what? If you’ve joined my program, you don’t have to care about that. If someone at the bar wants to get jiggy with you, they’ll make it happen, with no effort expended on your part. It’s like sexual judo. You use all of their energy to put them on the ground (or into bed, as it were).
I’ll grant you this about the non-dating program – there are downsides. You’re gonna get laid less. That’s just a fact. I mean, think about the number of times you’ve really put the work in on someone, and finally convinced them to share their private parts with you. Those situations are gone. Will you have to be more frequent and creative with your masturbation habits? Sure. Is it worth it? That’s for you to decide.
Here’s what you’re gaining. You get to do what you want. At all times. Let me throw some activities at you. Hiking, pottery class, yoga, museum visits, trips to mediocre cities, art films, boring sports, meeting family members, rants about how good Entourage is. These are the types of things that some human beings like to foist upon other human beings. Do any of those sound fun to you? It’s not a trap, you can answer honestly. If some of those are your idea of a good time, great! Do them. But here’s what’s great: If you like any of these, you can still do them on your own. Here’s what’s even better: If any of those sound like calculated torture, you can also never, ever do them, because no one is forcing you to.
To sum it all up, do what you want. I’m a capitalist. I advocate for pure, laissez-faire economics, and that includes relationships in your twenties. I’m not saying that compromise, settling down, spending less time with your friends, and horrendous hobbies for the sake of one person is a bad thing. I’m just saying, don’t do it until you’re ready. And further, getting laid regularly isn’t THAT big of a deal. So working out, buying fancy clothes, going out every weekend, and intentionally working to become more charismatic are equally unnecessary. Everyone deserves Netflix, gym shorts, and delivery food. And if someone who equally appreciates those thing happens to fall into your lap by no effort of your own, congratulations, you’ve graduated my course with honors..
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I have friends who go out with our group and literally have no fun at all because they are trying so hard to get laid. They’ll then brag the next day if they manage to bring home that 6. Neat, dude; I had twiche as much fun, spent half as much as you, and now I’ll get to masturbate and it will probably be just as good as she was in bed.
I can spell “twice”
Good to have you back on our team, Knox.
Knox is that friend that always has unbiased good advice, that cuts right to the point and truth of it. Whenever things look complicated that friend makes sense of it.
Very easy to say, but much harder to do.
You and I are much different, Knox, but I respect your outlook immensely. Personally, I chose to get out of my comfort zone because I enjoy the way it makes me feel. I go to events where I’m uncomfortable, parties where I don’t know anyone and talk to girls I don’t know. I don’t do it because I’m a masochist or enjoy standing alone watching other people have fun, but going through these situations have taught me to appreciate new things, new ideas and meet people I wouldn’t have otherwise met. In my view, doing what you don’t want to do makes you grow as a person.
I will never scoff or think I’m better than anyone who sits on the couch and watches netflix (because I fucking love it too) but I chose to throw myself face first into situations I know nothing about because I feel much better after I have. I would suggest everyone try it next time their debating whether or not to sit on the couch or try something new.
Jack….I still hold a grudge….
In the time it took you to type up that “holier than thou” diatribe, you could’ve accomplished 3/4 of those things that you were rambling about. Clearly efficiency isn’t your strong suit.
Shouldn’t you be out on a ledge somewhere?
I know this probably isn’t your ideal takeaway for me here, Knox, but how much of a lazy shit-pile was the Frenchie that coined the term laissez-faire? I mean… getting a cushy government job, and then instead of regulating commerce, just saying “Fuck it! Let the market figure out the market.”
That guy’s my hero.
This is exactly what I needed after I got dumped. Knox, thank you for coming back to us.
I thought we had something real.