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The following is a Slack conversation between Eric and a co-worker the morning after a company happy hour.
Tom [9:44am]:Dude. My productivity is at an all-time low. Why are you here and not WFH?
Eric [9:45am]: Same. We should not have gone to that last bar. I have to lead a stupid fucking client meeting because the engineers can’t be trusted to interact with clients on their own.
Eric [9:45am]: Then again, considering I’m wearing the same shirt I spilled tequila on last night, neither should I. Why are you in the office?
Tom [9:49am]: Fucking engineers. I honestly don’t know why I’m here. I woke up feeling pretty good and thinking I beat the hangover, but it turns out I was still drunk. I told the intern to go get us Mickey D breakfast though so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tom [9:50am]: And wait. Why are you wearing the same shirt as yesterday? Where did you sleep last night, you dog? Thought you could just sneak that past me?
Eric [9:56am]: If that intern brings me a McGriddle I will kiss him on the mouth. I don’t even care if it gets me fired. And I slept at Rachel’s remember? You dropped me off in your Uber, you blackout king.
Tom [10:02am]: Oh shit, I don’t remember that at all. Fuuuck. I thought by 28 I’d be done with blacking out on weeknights. And shots. And hooking up with my ex. Oh wait, that last one’s you, you dumbass.
Eric [10:06am]: Dude, whatever. At least I didn’t try and make out with a co-worker at happy hour like Jeremy yesterday. It was like watching a fucking train wreck.
Tom [10:07am]: OH SHIT. I totally forgot about that. He got curved so hard by that marketing chick. What’s her name? Shannon? She just started like last week too, what a horrible first impression of the company. Did any of the bosses see? He might get fired for that shit, man.
Eric [10:09am]: Yeah man. I don’t know if anyone saw, but he should definitely lay low after that. He’s definitely WFH today. Idiot. I’d be shitting myself.
Tom [10:21am]: BREAKFAST A LA INTERN IS HERE
Eric [10:22am]: omw
Eric [1:14pm]: Dude I legit just started head bobbing at my desk. That breakfast is weighing me down. I’m gonna need an Adderall just to get through this afternoon meeting.
Tom [1:28pm]: Fuck an Adderall, I need some baby wipes. I just destroyed the upstairs bathroom worse than Jeremy destroyed his reputation yesterday. Linda in HR has been on the phone in her office for like an hour now. I think he might actually be getting canned.
Eric [1:40pm]: Fuck you, I was going to use that bathroom. Now I have to use the basement one with no cell service. I hope you get fired with Jeremy for that war crime.
Tom [1:51pm]: I hope I do too. Give me that severance and I’d be on a beach in the Caribbean within 48 hours. Jk. I have zero savings. I need this job.
Eric [3:48pm]: That meeting was a fucking nightmare. Not only did a client visibly recoil from the fragrance of well tequila that I’m wearing, but one of our engineers joked about how I was “probably hungover from our happy hour yesterday.” Luckily the clients were cool and joked about it, but I was ready to murder him.
Tom [3:51pm]: HAH. That’s amazing. Was it the one who wears sandals every day or the kid who threw up at our holiday party? I love engineers. They’re like genius antisocial toddlers.
Eric [3:54pm]: It wasn’t amazing at all. It was Seth. The skinny one who has his own Twitch channel? I didn’t know he threw up though, I’m definitely going to bring that up next time I see him.
Tom [4:02pm]: DUDE. Tina just messaged me and told me Jeremy got fired today. Apparently, he was already on thin ice with behavioral things. Holy shit. If I was him I would never drink again.
Eric [4:08pm]: Shiiiit. Management isn’t fucking around. I’m not him, and I still think I’ll never drink again after this hell of a day.
Tom [4:26pm]: Tina wants to know if we want to get drinks after work. Sounds like you’re a no?
Eric [4:27pm]: Ahh, fuck it. Hair of the dog may be what I need right now. Let’s dip out..